You're not the real Hell's Satans!!

Wow, a whole new case of the FBI getting an idea on how to combat crime from the Simpsons.

The Mongols bike gang are being prosecuted under intellectual property laws. Basically, the FBI are trying to say that the Mongols are illegally copying their logo. Now, it's worth noting that the Mongols are a pretty savage bunch and have a long history of clashing heads (and knives, and baseball bats and skulls) with the Hell's Angels...

I love this idea - it's like trying to arrest a tiger for being all stripey.

Bedevilled By Charlatans & Lunatics

What a superb quote. This is from an article on the beeb about a wodge of files on UFO encounters that have been made available through the national archives.

A bunch of these files are available covering UFO encounters from the latter half of the 20th century. You can check it out here, if you're interested in reading about blurry lights in the skies, funny looking men with mister spock ears, a woman from sirius and anal probes.

I was kidding about the anal probes by the way. Oh, and the quote is from Dr David Clarke of Sheffield Hallam University. He's a UFO expert, and has never been anally probed. Probably.

Space Race 2.0 : The takeaway takeover

This is the news that India have launched their first unmanned moon probe (the brilliantly titled Chandrayaan 1). So between this, China's first space walk and Azerbijan's wacky space trampoline project - it looks like we've got a bonafide space race kicking off.

Personally, I'm slightly disapointed that we couldn't get Kim Jong Il to start the whole thing with waving a giant flag.

Catching up with me

So I've gone through a patch again where I've been not really updating the blog. My home PC is on it's last legs, so I've not really been doing much in the way of internetting. The good news is that I'm in the process of ordering a new home PC, so that should be sorted very soon.

In other news, I am proud to announce that I shall in less than two weeks have outlived Bruce Lee.

For those of you that don't know, Bruce Lee was (while he was alive of course) the hardest man on the face of the Earth. Bruce Lee could punch you so hard that your grandfather's nose would bleed. Bruce Lee could kick you so hard, that your children's skull's would deform from the impact. Bruce Lee was the ultimate kung fu motherfucker. There is no way in the world that I could take Bruce Lee in a fight.

Fortunately, Bruce Lee's corpse retains little of this kung fu badassery. Bruce Lee's zombie corpse is a short spindly little bastard, and I can easily roundhouse kick his head off.

It's the fall that'll kill ya.

Arrivederci Paul Newman, you blue eyed badass you.

It's a sad thing when the idols you inherited from your parents start dropping like flies. I mean, John Wayne was dead long before I cared, and John Denver (aside from a rather haunting version of Mr Bojangles) never really made an impact on me; but Paul Newman was the fucking man.

I remember my old man insisting that I watch Butch & Sundance with him. I remember bitching that it was in black and white, and so old I didn't want to watch it, and I remember how great a time I had watching that movie.

Paul Newman was so cool he could even make a film like Slapshot awesome.

Looking for work - one professor, slightly wacky.

So, after last week when Doctor Michael Reiss suggested that schools should teach creationism, the Royal Society (who he worked for as Director of Education) have issued a statement...

"Professor Reiss and the Royal Society have agreed that, in the best interests of the Society, he will step down immediately as Director of Education a part time post he held on secondment”.

When run through the WhatTheyReallyMeanOtron, this translates to

"Get that crazy fucker out of here! Creationism in schools? He's gone all mental".

Joe 1 v Evian drinkers 0

This is the news that I am in a better state than all those bottled water swigging mooks out there, and all because I drink cups of tea. Yes that's right. Cups of tea. Milk and 2, first thing in the morning. I can think of at least one chalet owner who should be made to read this page after complaining about my tea drinking habits last year!

You have to admit though, flogging bottled water is a pretty good con. After all, two thirds of the damn planet is water. Though it can be taken too far.

Take for example Coca-Cola. Now while I do love to mention how they desperately try to not mention that their orange drink Fanta was invented by the Nazis, I'm almost tempted to say that calling their branded tapwater (no really, it was just tap water) Dasani "bottled spunk" was an even bigger gaff.

What kind of drunk are you?

Department of health research has split drinkers into nine groups according to their behaviours...

...though I think I've found a tenth group that they've forgotten - the I LIKE A PINT. IT'S A LOVELY FUCKING DRINK. STOP BEING SUCH A BUNCH OF WHINY COCKS.

Sheesh. I get that there are alcoholics out there, but they're alcoholics, not 'drinkers'. I had a pint last night when I got home from work, I didn't fall asleep in my clothes hammered out of my skull, I didn't end up puking up in an alleyway and I didn't wake up this morning with a hangover. I'm a type ten 'drinker' - someone who is completely able to have a pint without being a dribbling fucking moron about it. Quite plainly, it's a type of person the department of health have never come across.

Twats.

Holy common sense!

If you've done any reading of my random twitterings, then you'll know I don't like to pass up the opportunity to call the Catholic church a bunch of homophobic mysogenists with a member of the hitler youth at the head of the table, but today I'm going to do something a bit different. I'm going to say, that the Vatican have pleasantly surprised me today.

This all comes from Professor Michael Reiss of the Royal Society who suggested that maybe we should talk about creationism in schools; apparently in a 'this is what some people who are 100% wrong believe' - I'm not that certain he's right on this one, but the Royal Society have clarified his remarks and he now seems a lot less crazy.

Anyway...where this becomes interesting is that the article references the Vatican's stance on creationism. Admittedly, I'd not really looked into it, and it appears that on this at least, our friends in Rome are remarkably level headed. Now if only they'd sort out their attitude to condoms.

I didn't want to jinx this...

But it does appear that the world hasn't been sucked into a black hole. Which is a good thing.

I would also like to tell everyone that I am now able to watch e4 again as Big Brother has finished. I swear, the day Big Brother dies, I will find Davina McCall and dance around her singing "time for you to find a proper job" while waving a flag with "victory for television that isn't morally bankrupt"on it.

You cannot underestimate how much I hate that damn show.

I almost wish this wasn't a sack of crap

Personally, I'd love to have one of these.

He'd sit lovely on the shelf next to my teddy bear dressed as General Pinochet and my radio controlled Tianemen Square tank with the optional blood soaked fleeing students attachment.

Still, seeing as I've mentioned this, I can also encourage you to buy a wooly penis.

The worst idea an Australian's ever had.

Here's one for you all...

I am now recommending that you avoid the following film - Russell Crowe in a film about Bill Hicks.

To prevent you from having to read too much of the article, I shall summarise. Russell Crowe (self obsessed Australian brawler with the emotional depth of a sheet of tesco value tinfoil) wants to make a film about Bill Hicks where he stars as Bill Hicks (the film is tentatively titled A Film About Bill Hicks Starring Russell Crowe As Bill Hicks).

This movie is such a bad idea that this morning, Russell was contacted by Hugo Chavez, crazy Venezualan President who wants to create his own time zone and told that the plan was a bit 'out there' and that maybe 'you're fucking crazy Russell!'. The idea is so bad that Zambia's president - Levy Mwanawasa - dropped stone dead when he found out. He was only 59!! When the Russian government found out they decided to invade a small former Soviet state and bomb it to hell and back - that's how pissed off they were about the idea.

There you go. Today's film to avoid - Russell Crowe in A Film About Bill Hicks Starring Russell Crowe As Bill Hicks. I bet that ends up being the fucking title as well. Wankers.

Green Cross Code in China

So let's have a chat about Fang Zheng. Back in 1989, he lost his legs in a traffic accident. Since then, he's won gold medals in Chinese national competitions. So with the Olympics coming up fast you'd image that Fang would be in training?

Nope.

Unfortunately, due to the nature of Fang's traffic accident, he's been disqualified from the Olympics. Apparently, when a tank runs you over in the middle of Tiananmen Square then you lose the right to compete in the Olympics.

But hey, I'm sure Sharron Davis will say that just because China crushed some poor fella's legs with a tank and then banned him from competing in the Olympics it doesn't mean that British atheletes shouldn't endorse China & their games by competing.

Some of the best damn cops and robbers ever

It's been a while since I've been binging about anything on TV, so I'd like to take the time to say that you should do everything you can to get hold of and watch The Wire.

It's an American cops and robbers show, but it's not written like 93% of other television shows out there. The Wire is all about the long game. I'm just finishing up watching season three, and they're talking down one of their targets from the first show. Three years of TV, and only now is this guy being taken down.

The whole show is written in that ethos. You could even argue that the format that most shows would use for an episode (cops find villain, cops investigate villain, cops take down villain) is used for an entire season. It's a show that assumes intelligence from it's audience, and that obviously works damn hard to be the grittiest show out there.

It's fucking sweet dude. You've got to watch it.

Greasing the wheels...

So I know I've been hard on oil companies in the past. I've called them unscrupulous evil fucks, and you know what - perhaps I've been wrong all along.

Exxon have released their profit details for the second quarter of 2008. Now, the cynical among you will bemoan the fact that they're a bunch of price gouging, money grubbing wankers. But if you look at the numbers, they've only made a profit of $1485.55 a second.

Huh?

Yeah that's right. Between April & June, Exxon were making $1485.55 every second. That's a total profit of $11.68 billion in profit. Just to be clear about this, Exxon could have made given away eleven billion dollars, and still made a profit of more than six hundred million dollars.

In three months, they made enough cash that they could give every person on the face of the Earth 2 dollars. Now, maybe it's just me...but a company that's making that much profit (and let's remember, we're not talking about turnover, we're talking about clear profit) should perhaps look at reinvesting their cash...so I shall now endevour to offer them some purchasing options.

1. They could buy NASA. Their annual budget's 16 billion, which means that Exxon could easily have their own space shuttles up and running with less than half a year's profits. Who knows, maybe they'll have some better names for space shuttles than NASA will (they can't do much worse than the UK's space agency, who wanted to name their next venus probe Yappy Dog Three).

2. They can buy Hollywood for the year. According to Forbes, the leading men & women of Hollywood netted 731 million bucks this year. So Exxon could easily afford to buy the biggest ensemble movie ever. They could make a movie of Dallas, with Will Smith as Bobby Ewing and directed by Steven Speilberg.

3. You could play Monopoly for real. Thames Water was recently sold for 7 billion, and I'm pretty sure that with the state of Network Rail, you'd be able to pick up Fenchurch street for about 12 quid. Though building a bunch of identical red hotels may have some problems getting past the planning phase in Kensington.

Or you know...you could give 2 bucks to everyone on the damn planet.

Bunnyhop this motherfucker!

So since my car went and exploded, I've had to bike into work. No big deal, it's good exercise and it's a nice ride, though at four miles either way it does take half an hour each way.

So, imagine my surprise when I came across this story. I'd come across a few people who didn't like cyclists, but I have to say that I'm glad I don't have to bike into work in New York.

Hello. My name is China and I'm an enormous wanker.

So let's recap. When the IOC awarded the 2008 Olympics to Beijing, there were some people who said things like "Hang on - this is China we're talking about - are we sure that we want to give them the olympics?"

At which point, the Chinese said "Nah man, it'll be cool. We'll totally stop being a bunch of wankers and be nice to everyone." The IOC, for their part came back and said that they thought that China was cool and completely trustworthy.

Well here we are just one week away from the start of the Olympics and China have been caught supplying Sudan's government with military supplies and training so that they can keep killing people in Darfur.

The pollution in Beijing is currently more than five times the World Health Organisation air quality target. The smog is being tracked on the beeb's site and it's pretty easy to see. It's so bad in fact that many athletes are talking about keeping away from Beijing for as long as possible and wear gas masks while they're there.

Today, Amnesty International have released a report that states that the human rights situation in China has worsened rather than improved in the run up to the games. The report talks about increases in media censorship & forced labour 're-education' and a crackdown on human rights activists.

I'd love to hear what Sharron Davies thought of that. Maybe she thinks it's ok so long as the olympic competitors get to swim in their nice pool and get their nice medals.

I have to say it - but I just don't understand how anyone can look at this situation and think to themselves that it'd be a good idea to go be involved with a tacit approval of China's regime. I know no olympian reads this blog, but isn't it sad that we don't even expect world class competitors to consider pulling out of the three ring circus that is Beijing olympics.

My life is a 1960s screwball comedy and I am Jack Lemmon.

So my journey into work today went like this...

I start the car and do a three point turn. The car stalls. I'm not too bothered, the engine's cold and I'm not paying much attention so it was probably my fault. I restart the car and start to head off to work. After about a mile it cuts out again; I bump start it into life but it's making some worrying noises so I decide to turn back and bike in. Before I can turn round, the car dies with some big clanking sounds coming from the engine. As luck would have it, it dies at a six lane crossroads. So now I'm stranded at the side of the road about a mile and a half from home and about two and a half miles from work. I can't leave the car and go on as it's on double yellows next to a major junction.

I call the AA for a tow and get told it'll be 45 minutes. That's no problem says I, as it's the end of July and a lovely day. It starts to rain. Mister AA arrives and confirms that the car's as dead as I think it is. I'd been planning to get rid of it so I'm not massively annoyed, and I ask for a tow home so I can get my bike and get into work. The rain is now pissing it down.

I quickly sort my stuff out and start pedalling in. The rain is now heavy enough that I'm dodging puddles because they look deeper than the mariana trench. I'm about 2 miles into my journey (so around half way for those that haven't been paying attention) and notice that my front wheel's a flat. Arse. I struggle through the torrential rain to the nearest garage, scrounge up 50p from the bottom of my rucksack and attempt to use the air compressor to sort out the car.

No such luck! New air compressors are designed so that they can't be used with bike valves to stop anyone accidentally overinflating their tyre and emancipating their spleen in the resultant highly unlikely explosion. Of course, while these new valves won't put any air in your tyre, they do open the valve so that any air you had left is gone by the time you realise what's happening. So now my front tyre is completely flat.

At this point, the very friendly garage attendant tells me that he has a footpump. That I can buy for the bargain price of six pounds. MOTHERFUCKERRRRR. So here I am at work. I now have a fully inflated front tyre and a brand new footpump with me to go with the one that's sat in the boot of my car. Oh, and six hours later, my feet still aren't completely dry.

Crap Films My Housemates Own #4 : Ultraviolet

Now, let's be clear. I'm not talking about the TV series with that fella who was Miles in This Life and Admiral stiff upper lip in Pirates of the Carribean and was probably the last halfway decent thing ITV made before they became obsessed with the Ant & Dec saturday night fuck you in the eye with premium rate numbers, I'm talking about the movie with that Milla Jollywitch woman. You know, the woman who was in those classic movies like Resident Evil 2 and Joan of Arc. The one with virtually no clothes in the Fifth Element.

So, my review. It's a tricky one this...as I didn't really watch much of the film. You know how far I got into this film before I switch it off? No, neither do I. I was in such a hurry to switch it off I didn't even look to see how far it'd got. I do know that it felt like half my natural life had leaked out of my eyes by the time my hand reached the stop button, but I couldn't put a number to it. Though if I had to make a guess, I go with seventeen minutes.

This film is so bad that I received a letter from my retinas explaining that if I tried to pull that shit again they'd start cutting themselves with razorblades.

The only thing that makes this film less offensive than the third reich is that this movie didn't kill six million jews. Though I suspect that around three million probably died from watching the advance screenings.

If you're planning on watching this film then my advice is to put some time aside beforehand. Take your friend and family to the park, play football, have a lovely picnic and say your goodbyes to the people that you love; watching this film will either kill you or reduce you to the level of a dribbling vegetable with all the responsiveness of Terry Schiavo.

Hot Fuzz

Well this is a surprise. Apparently a member of the channel tunnel police has been transferred for misuse of powers granted under the terrorism act. Well this is a surprise isn't it.

Apparently, giving the police the power to detain anyone they want without evidence is being abused. What a shocker!

What I find really surprising is this. The detective constable in question has been transferred. Not - fired, suspended, reprimanded, told not to do it again, fined, demoted, or even made to buy cake for the rest of the police station. Transferred. After her wonderful display of racism, no doubt she's been transferred to Cheshire.

Free French Canada!

This is mainly about the fact that French Canadians are complaining that Paul McCartney is going to be playing at Quebec's 400th birthday party. They're up in arms because Britain was at war with the French and invaded what was then New France (and is now Canada) in 1760.

MORE THAN THREE HUNDRED YEARS AGO.

This isn't the first example of French Canadians being a bit mental. KFC is KFC everywhere, except in Quebec, where it's PFK (Poulet Frit Kentucky). In France, it's KFC. This brings to mind those swarms of Americans who have an uncle who once got punched out of a bar in Cork and so are quite obviously as Irish as anything and walk around dressed all in green on Saint Patrick's day and wax lyrical about the old country.

I find it perplexing that the most Patriotic Europeans appear to be from North America. Zoot Alours!

Pick one. No, not that one. Pick another one!

Did you ever have a kid come up to you with a pack of cards wanting to do a magic trick? This is how it invariably goes.

"Pick a card"
(you pick a card)
"No, not that one. Pick another one"
(you pick a different card)
"You're not doing it right! Pick another one"
(you pick another different card)

At this point the kid usually either goes apeshit, starts crying or walks off after calling you an old cunt. Sometimes though, if the kids really retarded or has some kind of obsessive compulsive disorder he just won't fucking quit until you get the 'right card' at which point...

"It's the six of clubs!"

...which coincidentally is also the point where I snap, eat the card before he can see what it is and post the child to Thailand with only half a pack of jellybabies and a lonely planet phrase book to survive with. I fucking hate kids.

Anyway - the point is that the whole "pick a card, no that card" is stupid, annoying and is only done by hugely retarded children. So I can't help but wonder why the French president is up to exactly the same game.

Crap films my housemates own #3 : Eragon

This is a film based on a book. A book so bad, that the only reason it was published is that the writer published it himself. This is like inventing the sport of high speed cock waggling just so that you can be world champion of high speed cock waggling when no-one but you and Norris McWhirter shows up to your high speed cock waggling championship in your back garden. And the film is far worse than the book.

This movie can be summed up like this "Hey, it's fucking star wars! (but with dragons instead of light sabers)". That's right, they've replaced awesome light sabers with dragons. A dragon instead of a light saber? What's the good in that? You can't twirl a dragon around your head making 'whum, whum' noises. You can't use a replica dragon to bash your younger brother into concussion...it's just not a fair trade. Having my light saber traded for a dragon makes me feel a little like a cherokee indian who's had his tribal lands traded for a sack full of beads. In fact, I am slightly surprised that this film didn't cause anyone to run around the cinema with a tomahawk screaming 'where's my light saber mother fuckers' while scalping any palefaces they could find.

Also, there's a castle instead of the death star. So there are no x-wings, no millenium falcon, no planets exploding and no lightsabers. And the dragon that they replace the lightsabers with is a prissy lesbian dragon with a voice like Mary Poppins. It's one of those sensible shoes and short hair lesbians, not the hot and interesting lesbians that appear in so many films that I am a fan of.

If you want to watch this movie, set up two televisions. On one, watch Star Wars. On the other, watch a fat man having a stroke in a pool of lime jelly. You'll have a much better time.

Crap Films My Housemates Own #2 : Rollerball

Now, before you start thinking to yourself "hang on there skippy, Rollerball was a 70s scifi classic and Sonny Corleone is awesome in it as a rollerskating, ass kicking mafia badass!" I want to make this clear - I don't give a crap what you think.

Also, I'm talking about the 2002 remake. So there motherfuckers!

On the face of it, this shouldn't be a load of big hairy balls. It's directed by John McTiernan who's credits include Die Hard, The Hunt For Red October, The 13th Warrior & The Thomas Crown Affair remake (which I prefer to the Steve McQueen version). It stars the coolest frenchman known to man (Jean Reno) and let's face it, the original was a pretty good movie. But then it starts to all go wrong. It's got LL Cool J in it. It's got Chris Klein in it (one of the guys from the American Pie movies who didn't fuck a pie). It's got a character in it called Aurora (I don't know why, but I don't think I've ever seen a film where a character called Aurora is anything but appallingly acted).

So anyway. This film now appears to be about an ice hockey player who goes to play rollerskating deathmatch in Kazakstan or something. I don't really understand the plot as - well there isn't really one apart from the fact that Jean Reno's supposed to be some sort of gangster badass and quite plainly can't really be bothered to act. Rebecca Romjin Stamos is also in this as a moody Kazak beauty. I unfortunately think someone told her that they wanted her part to be that of a moody Kazak fencepost, as that's about as exciting as her character is.

At the end of the day, this is just bad. The wirework's obvious, the directing is lazy and the plot is so bad that I am considering writing a letter to the CIA implicating the writers in a terrorist plot as their work is so shoddy they probably do deserve to spend five years in Guantanemo Bay. Couple all of this with a cast who quite clearly have realised that they've signed up to a big floating turd of a movie, and you've got Rollerball the remake.

My housemates bought it so you wouldn't have to.

Best and worst covers. Ever.

So, the gitter uber nerds at Total Guitar magazine have come up with the five best and worst covers ever.

The best don't really have any surprises, but here they are...

5. Feeling Good - Muse
4. The Man Who Sold The World - Nirvana
3. Live And Let Die - Guns N Roses
2. Twist And Shout - The Beatles
1. All Along The Watchtower - Jimi Hendrix

The worst of course, is where all the excitement is...

In at number five is Mike Flowers Pop with his cover of Wonderwall.
Number four is Will Young's own take on Light My Fire by The Doors.
Westlife stand proud at number three for their cover of funk rocker's Extreme's ballad More Than Words.
Girls Aloud are at number two with their cheerful slaughter of the classic Walk This Way (I saw this on telly the other day, and I actually threw up a small Mexican orphan boy I was so appalled).
and at number one?
This.

I fucking hate Celine Dion.

Conservative party in 'bunch of racists' shocker...

Nice one Boris.

So London's comedy mayor has had his first bit of fun with adviser James McGrath.

James told a journalist "black people who didn't like it here could go back".

Apparently the remarks were taken out of context. Perhaps what he said was along the lines of "If I was a huge fucking racist then I'd say something along the lines of black people who didn't like it here could go back. Good job I'm not a huge fucking racist isn't it. Oh, and Boris Johnson's awesome and totally not a comedy mayor."

Yeah, I don't think that's what happened either.

Just a quick note...

The BBFC rejected one DVD release this year.

In a year of Saw 2, Saw 3: Extreme edition and Saw 4: More fucking sawing, only one DVD wasn't allowed a certificate.

The box set of Weeds. Apparently, a show about a pot dealer glamourises drug use.

Also, I was lying about there being a film called Saw 4. For now.

Crap Films My Housemates Own #1 : Dragon Wars.

So in what could quite easily become a regular feature, I'd like to take the some time to talk about a movie one of my housemates recently bought - Dragon Wars.

Now on the face of it, I have to admit that this film should be damn awesome. The cover's got dragons and Apache helicopters on it for fuck's sake. How can this film not be brilliant? So I thought I'd give it a watch.

Well it wasn't good. It was terrible. It started badly with some wise and noble shop keeper prattling on about how there was an ancient prophecy and a chosen one who could save or destroy the world, and a girl with a tattoo who was the key to it all. There was a giant snake, chasing cars and some samurai fuckers with way too much shiny armour (there's something, if you're a big evil sneak about bastard - why's your armour made of bloody chrome?). Well about an hour into this film and not only have I not seen any bloody dragons but I have been subjected to some of the worst acting I've seen.

I'd love to say that there's some redeeming feature of this movie. But there isn't. No boobies, no huge awesome explosions, no crazy kung fu fighting, just a bloody big snake and some twats with samurai swords and armour. This film is appalling and if you're going to watch this movie you should mentally prepare yourself by committing suicide using a bath and an electric toaster while listening to the theme tune from Cheggers Plays Pop on unending repeat. It's an experience that's almost as uncomfortable as watching this film's bad plot and bad acting, and at least it'll give your local community support officer something to do that's more useful than tasering dogs.

So there you go. Dragon Wars. It's a fucking shitty movie with a big snake in it.

Project Space Cock : Step One.

So I was thinking about the X-Prise this morning.

Now, for those of you who don't know the current big X-Prize is to put a remote controlled vehicle on the surface of the moon and drive it around for a bit. Which is rather cool. But as I was reading some of the stuff on their internet forum, I came across some information on the Aquarius Launch Vehicle.

Now, the most important bit of information I found was the costs of getting something put into orbit via Aquarius. $1000 per kilo. So around 500 quid. Now maybe it's just me, but 500 quid to get something that weighs a kilo seems like a fucking bargain. I mean, if you were to build something out of polysterene foam it'd be pretty big before it weighs more than a kilo.

I think you can see where I'm going with this. I'm going to save my cash, and when Aquarius is up and running I'm going to pay them to put a giant glow in the dark foam penis into orbit. That'll teach those fucking astronomers to quit their bitching about light pollution.

Space rockery roundup

So let's talk about space rocks.

Specifically, lets talk about this space rock.

The Ivuna meteorite is important because scientists believe that it's chemical composition is the similar to the conditions that existed at the birth of the solar system, so it's a good way to look at what was going on way back then.

Which is pretty reasonable. I love the fact that the Natural History Museum are keeping half of it for public display, but they're sending the rest off to research labs around the world so that the space rock community can get some researching done.

Good for you Natural History Museum. Though if I'm honest, a chunk of space rock probably isn't as cool as your huge fucking dinosaur skeletons.

How to be a fucking cock and thrive...

I swear, there's some fucking idiot involved in the programming at ITV.

Take this for example - Piers Morgan on Sandbanks. I mean I realise that being a foul, shit stirring leech on society is practically a valid career these days; but do we really need to get this fucker swanning around with Dorset's super rich?

I look forward to next year's big documentary series on ITV2 - Harold Shipman on the NHS for pensioners. Sheesh.

Youbube

Oh my what a terrible spelling mistake.

I suspect it may be something to do with this youtube clip (no nipples are involved).

I am reasonably impressed, though I was slightly disapointed when I realised it was a twisty top bottle.

Biting off more than I can chew

So as a part of my awesome surfing adventures, I'm planning on a trip to Portugal at some point this year.

It's a country I've never been to, it's a beautiful and relatively unspoilt land, and it gets consistent surf in wonderful conditions. Being that I'm not one to go for the package holiday deal to Torrimolinos to sit on the beach and drink Watley's Red Barrel (no-one will get that reference), I thought I'd investigate learning Portuguese. After all, I have an ipod and there are any number of "Learn to speak a language" podcasts out there.

Holy fucking shit.

No wonder no-one goes to Portugal - it's because the language is fucking terrifying.

Where's that brochure for Torrimolinos? Oh, and pass me a can of Watley's Red Barrel.

Other people won't get this joke

So Wales are playing South Africa in rubgy this weekend. Nothing that exciting about that but I just caught the beeb's advert for the game.

The reason I like it is that they've used the soundtrack from Zulu for it. So around 80% of the people who see the advert will have no fucking clue why it's so clever.

Burma shave

I wasn't really sure whether or not this needed mentioning, as I don't really have anything new to bring to this arguement, but holy tittyfucking christ, the Burmese junta are a bunch of fucking fuckers.

I know full well that there are arguments that can be made that their refusal to allow in foreign aid will in the end hasten their demise, but I struggle with that. We're talking about hundred of thousands of people in need of help. As much as I want to see Burma's military dictatorship crumble, I don't want one and a half million people to die to make it happen.

I suppose this is one of those end justifies the means things that I struggle with so much.

Normal service resumed?

If there is such a thing.

Between snowboarding and work I've been rather hectic of late, and so there have been no updates to this blog (despite Barn basically begging me to get off my arse and updaterate).

In the end, I've been shamed into action because Eoin looks to be sorting his shitty blog out; and there's no way I can let that gangly irish git upstage me.

I'm back motherfuckers!

Canadian humour.

So, the old standard is that Canadians love hockey. Well apparently they now love hockey a bit too much, and it's got to the point where the Canadian Hockey Association are actually worried enough that they're making adverts trying to stop parents being stupid fucks.

That's right - the governing body for a sport where you only get sin binned for 2 minutes for having a full on brawl are worried that hockey parents are getting out of hand.

I found myself wondering what the fuck is going on at these games. After all I thought it couldn't be that bad...until I clicked here. And here. And here!

While I'm not sure there's an arguement for banning the sport of ice hockey - on this evidence, there's definitely an arguement for banning anyone from watching ice hockey. But hey - at least noone's dying over it.

Farewell California

Well this could be interesting...scientists have detected a swarm of earthquakes off the west coast of America.

Well then. Who knew that a group of earthquakes is called a swarm. I'd have thought it'd be called something more like an apocalypse - but there you go (hell, I still don't know why it's called a murder of crows).

Anyway - a swarm of earthquakes. 600 in the last ten days in fact. So if you know anyone who lives in LA, you may want to give them a call and say goodbye before the place drops into the ocean.

You should stock up on pine cones.

According to Komsomolskaya Pravda, a pack of squirrels have attacked and killed a large dog in the park in the centre of Lazo - a town in the far east of Russia. Witnesses have said that the big stray dog was nosing around trees and barking at a gang of squirrels hiding in branches overhead when a number of them suddenly descended and attacked.

"They literally gutted the dog," local journalist Anastasia Trubitsina told the newspaper.

A (rather mysterious) Lazo man who called himself Mikhalich said there had been "no pine cones at all" in the local forests this year.

"The little beasts are agitated because they have nothing to eat," he added.

So there you go. Stock up on pine cones - they may save your life, because once those fuckers have eaten all the dogs, they'll be coming for you.

China's Olympic Adventure

I haven't stuck my hat in the ring on this one yet...but I want to say something.

Sharron Davies went on the record saying that athletes shouldn't boycott the Beijing Olympics because of their horrendous human rights record, that they shouldn't boycott the Beijing Olympics because at this very moment China is busy killing Tibetean protesters, and that they shouldn't boycott the Beijing Olympics because the Chinese government is horrible, manipulative and one of the most oppressive regimes on the planet.

Writing for The Sun (yeah - that tells you just how much attention we should be paying to this woman), Sharron says -

"As an athlete, you can’t just say: “Oh well, I will go to the next one.” It might be the one moment you are at your peak, at the right age, at a crucial stage in your performance. You cannot just put it off for four years."

So apparently, being an athlete means you no longer have to be a human being. Well isn't that great. Sharron, apparently your BBC commentary chair for the Olympics will be made from the skins of three year old baby girls. Make sure you enjoy that comfortable seat while you earn your wage talking about other morally bankrupt competition junkies.

Here's a question

Where exactly is the International Space Station? I know it's a question that we'd all like answered.

Well thanks to n2yo.com, you can now find out for yourself.

By clicking here.

Yeah, it's unbelievably geeky.

NASA announce they're going to grow moonalgae

Actually this is kind of two space stories for the price of one. The first is that experiments have found that bacteria can grow in Lunar soil. This is one of those first step things - the bacteria's presence in the Lunar soil will then in theory make it possible for other basic plant forms to be cultivated, and that's a pretty big step toward terraforming.

The other news (which I'm a bit surprised I haven't seen anywhere else) is that NASA are now confirming that they'll be back on the moon by 2020, and they're aiming to build MoonBaseOne. Google no doubt won't be far behind.

Superman versus the KKK

See, now you think this is one of those comicbook stories...but actually this one's pretty true. Superman really did help fight the KKK. Here's the story.

It's just one of those many titbits of knowledge that I have, and I figured I'd share.

The art of the Slash (tm)

This post is dedicated to Daniel 'Looks a bit like Jesus' Watson.


There's no denying that I am a childish son of a bitch. This is never more apparent than when I am snowboarding. Now Danno is just as bad as me at this (actually he's probably worse) and so the two of us on a slope usually ends up with at least some dicking around.

The thing is, as we've got better at snowboarding, so we've had to find other ways of being idiots. It started with kicking your board on the footrest of the lift as you go over the top of trails in an attempt to dislodge snow onto the poor saps below. Soon after, it escalated to taking snowballs onto the lift with you to drop on unsuspecting victims; now however, it has taken a darker and more deliberate turn. We've become Slash addicts.

The Slash is a simple move - you gain a wodge of speed, and as you pass a completely innocent bystander you put in a hard turn. This creates a large spray of snow in your wake, covering the aforementioned innocent bystander (often to their complete surprise). It's a childish, childish, childish thing to do. I love it. It's good old fashioned harmless idiocy. You create a huge cloud of snow and ride away as someone stands there looking like they've gone five rounds with a bag of flour.

The most important part of the Slash though is the final move - the wave. You're riding away, you've covered someone head to toe in snow and they're probably a little miffed at you; so you do the only thing you can - look back up the hill, smile and wave an apology.

I swear, I have no justification here - it's childish, it's stupid and I'm covering some poor innocent folk in snow. But it's great fun and gives me a chuckle every time, and if there's one thing that snowboarding should do it's make you smile.

Things I didn't know

I didn't know this -

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

In other news, it looks like it's going to be very likely that we'll know exactly who's buying dinner for MPs. Obviously this is very interesting, but I suspect anyone reading this will still be thinking about the fucking cat.

What are you eating tomorrow?

Because you know what - it should be Pi.

For those of you wondering what the hell I'm on about, tomorrow is March 14th. Or as the Americans put it - 3.14. All makes sense now dunnit.

They even have a website where you can talk about how many digits of Pi you have memorised...

...and people wonder why maths nerds are laughed at.

I have been slack as all hell

I should have been much more motivated updating this blog, and I'm sorry.

I have been distracted by the news that Warner Brothers in their infinite wisdom have decided to make a sequel to Lost Boys. Welcome back Edgar Frog!

Best line in the trailer has to be 'Your sister's a suck monkey'

Good morning Norway

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, but I've been away snowboarding (more on that later).

I'd just like to take this opportunity to say good morning to the people of Longyearbyen in the Spitsbergen region of Norway. Longyearbyen is the most northerly town in the world, and today is their first day of sunshine since October.

I'll leave the last words to local resident Mary Ann Dahle - "It feels good when the light starts to come back, the darkness can be very depressing."

I want to see....your Sledgehammer

That's right, no pun is too stupid for me to consider it.

So what we have here is a bit of a fluff piece about an organisation that Peter Gabriel is involved with. I have to say, I think he's done a better job of being a decent human being than his Genesis colleague Phil Collins.

Oh, and I'm really not posting this because it's a link to people getting beaten up...but hey, if that's what you want then I guess I can always pander to the masses.

Warren Ellis gives you free herpes

Well, actually he gives you a brand new free webcomic. But seeing as he lives in Southend, herpes is pretty likely as well.

The pimpiest pimp in pimp town

Now I know why 50 cent is called 50 cent - because he's bargain fucking basement when it comes to being a PIMP. He doesn't even live in the pound shop of pimps, because he's not good enough. To your right, I present you with a photograph of the King Pimp....

...That's right folks, it's chairman Mao!

Chairman Mao, more famous for starting a people's revolution, being a her indoors character in that film with Peter O'Toole and the chinese kid who keeps sucking on tits and settling that long standing arguement; which wins between a convoy tanks or a bunch of starving students desperate for political reform (it was tanks by the way). Well in addition to these feats - he was also a pimp.

Back in 1973, at a trade conference with the US, Chairman Mao tried to talk the US into taking 10 million women off his hands. Apparently, the exact phrase he said was 'These wimmen is driving me crazy yo, take them offa my hands so I can go chill and drink gin with my homies'.

From secret recordings made at the Whitehouse at around that time, it seems that Nixon was deadset against the idea, reasoning that the women could all be crooks. Strange how life worked out there innit.

Of course, seeing as I am both single and a humanitarian, I have written to the Chinese embassy and said that while I can't take 10 million, I can at least take 5 or so off their hands. So long as they're small and easily stackable.

And you thought I was grumpy...

I'm not a patch on this lady.

I have noted with interest that she doesn't say how she's going to top herself. I think she's missing a trick with this one - she can get teh internet to choose how she dies. It'll be grand.

Personally, I think she should try and commit suicide by drowning herself in a vat of treacle. Then we can harden the treacle into an amber like substance, and one day - when emo bullshit has died out, genetic scientists can use her DNA to artificially create emo bullshit.

We could even make a film out of it - call it Tragic Park.

P.S. - I'm not the only person mocking this girl, though this guy's probably funnier than I am at doing it.

A perfect valentine gift -

Ideal for the evangelical hottie in your life - it's the 'Looking Good for Jesus Lip Balm'

Your very own heresy in a tube folks. Handily it protects you up to SPF18. Unfortunately, to save you from the fires of hell you need SPF4 million.

If this stokes your interest - have a look at the full range.

Blame it on the boogie

This year's Rio De Janeiro party may well have a new theme.

The whole city is up in arms over the decision to ban a samba school's float. According to the judge, the idea of a giant pile of naked bodies with a dancing Hitler on top is in poor taste.

Speaking about it, Herman Goering of the Fun time Samba Nazis said 'Ve don't know vot people are complainink about. It is a celebration of the hardiness of ze Jewish People. It also illustrates how easy it vos to stack their lifeless bodies.'

Seriously guys - a dancing Hitler? When is that ever a good idea?

The birth of a new sport

From the land that gave you sausages, giant mugs of beer and a short man with a funny moustache comes a new olympic sport - baby dropping!

Apparently, this guy was all set to win the inaugral world championships, but a dodgy mark from the Polish judge scuppered him.

When you find extra money in your wallet

It's a wonderful thing. How many times have you reached into your pocket and thought to yourself "Hmm. That's not a hanky, and it doesn't feel like a receipt" Then you pull out a scrumpled up piece of paper, secretly hoping that it's a fiver. Then; joy of joys you unravel it, and it's a twenty!

It's a great feeling, and in a life of drudgery and boredom it can often be the highlight of your day (your day, not mine - I lead a full and rewarding life). So you have to feel slightly sorry for Peter Hain, the now former Secretary of State for Wales and the Work & Pensions Secretary. There he was, not a care in the world, checking his wallet for a receipt so that he could exchange the duplicate copy of Viva Pinata someone had bought him for his Xbox, when holy crap - he finds £108,000. Well, it could happen to anyone.

Of course - where he gets into trouble is that no one really knows where this money came from, and unlike finding a couple of quid down the back of the sofa, this is rather a lot of moolah. There's also the fact that the Conservative party a few years ago proved that £108,000 will buy you a lot of questions. It's so strange to watch post-Blair Labour copying the idiocy of post-Thatcher Tory.

Ah well - maybe if we give Mr. Hain some free condoms he won't feel so bad.

The welsh - not only stupid, but also lazy

Welcome to Febuary folks. I wouls say that I aim to be more productive during this month than I was in January, but I may well be on holiday for a large chunk of it, so I'm making no promises.

Anyway - this is about a story that Chris Bryant, Labour MP for Rhondda wants condoms to be given away free to teenagers. Obviously the have your own say on this story page of the beeb is full of people blaming liberal social policy, the fact that we don't beat children enough and quoting the rubbish about how 'they only do it to get a house' (which isn't really the case by the way). One woman suggests that girls who get pregnant should be 'shunned by society'. Which is a great idea. Maybe if we throw them into the ocean, we can let the great god Poseidon decided what to do with them

It's not a coincidence that the poorest areas of the UK are also those with the highest teen pregnancy rate. Though I was amazed that the beeb quoted one girl as saying she planned to get up the duff to avoid school because her homework was too hard.

Now there's a girl that the lord of the sea wouldn't look kindly upon.

Sleep isn't just for the weak you know...

Bleurgh. I've had insomia for the last few days. I've felt like crappy crap crap and it's sucked. So that's why I haven't been desperately trying to beef up my post count for January.

Ah well. February soon!

Better than gamespot

Because he's not a drolling fucking idiot really...

Go to this page and have a look to see what I mean.

It's worth it just for some of the little graphic puns.

I've been on a different bloody continent

Which is why there haven't been any updates for the last three weeks. So here comes the inevitable blogging backlash. I've been away snowboarding (which should be a surprise to nobody) in Canada. I had a great time, I had a lot of fun and I did a lot of snowboarding. So there.

I'd never left Europe before, so it was very exciting for me to spend nine and a half hours sat on a plane with less leg room than a Fiat Uno. The food was particularly exciting. Alright, so it was naff. But it was also worth it.

Flying into Calgary airport, you really get a feel of the wide open spaces that Canada's famous for. It really was breath taking - as you fly in you're surrounded by flat terrain and in the distance, the rockies rising out of the ground like the very bones of the earth.

Once you arrive, you become exposed to the one thing I found strangest of all...Canadians. I've met polite people before, I've met easy going folk before, but wowzers, Canadians are the politest, most laid back folk I've ever come across.

It's almost out of hand. Even behind the wheel of a car, they're stupidly polite. There were a couple of occasions when I was daydreaming by the kerb to look up and see a car silently waiting for me to cross the road.