Now, let's be clear. I'm not talking about the TV series with that fella who was Miles in This Life and Admiral stiff upper lip in Pirates of the Carribean and was probably the last halfway decent thing ITV made before they became obsessed with the Ant & Dec saturday night fuck you in the eye with premium rate numbers, I'm talking about the movie with that Milla Jollywitch woman. You know, the woman who was in those classic movies like Resident Evil 2 and Joan of Arc. The one with virtually no clothes in the Fifth Element.
So, my review. It's a tricky one this...as I didn't really watch much of the film. You know how far I got into this film before I switch it off? No, neither do I. I was in such a hurry to switch it off I didn't even look to see how far it'd got. I do know that it felt like half my natural life had leaked out of my eyes by the time my hand reached the stop button, but I couldn't put a number to it. Though if I had to make a guess, I go with seventeen minutes.
This film is so bad that I received a letter from my retinas explaining that if I tried to pull that shit again they'd start cutting themselves with razorblades.
The only thing that makes this film less offensive than the third reich is that this movie didn't kill six million jews. Though I suspect that around three million probably died from watching the advance screenings.
If you're planning on watching this film then my advice is to put some time aside beforehand. Take your friend and family to the park, play football, have a lovely picnic and say your goodbyes to the people that you love; watching this film will either kill you or reduce you to the level of a dribbling vegetable with all the responsiveness of Terry Schiavo.
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