I want to see....your Sledgehammer

That's right, no pun is too stupid for me to consider it.

So what we have here is a bit of a fluff piece about an organisation that Peter Gabriel is involved with. I have to say, I think he's done a better job of being a decent human being than his Genesis colleague Phil Collins.

Oh, and I'm really not posting this because it's a link to people getting beaten up...but hey, if that's what you want then I guess I can always pander to the masses.

Warren Ellis gives you free herpes

Well, actually he gives you a brand new free webcomic. But seeing as he lives in Southend, herpes is pretty likely as well.

The pimpiest pimp in pimp town

Now I know why 50 cent is called 50 cent - because he's bargain fucking basement when it comes to being a PIMP. He doesn't even live in the pound shop of pimps, because he's not good enough. To your right, I present you with a photograph of the King Pimp....

...That's right folks, it's chairman Mao!

Chairman Mao, more famous for starting a people's revolution, being a her indoors character in that film with Peter O'Toole and the chinese kid who keeps sucking on tits and settling that long standing arguement; which wins between a convoy tanks or a bunch of starving students desperate for political reform (it was tanks by the way). Well in addition to these feats - he was also a pimp.

Back in 1973, at a trade conference with the US, Chairman Mao tried to talk the US into taking 10 million women off his hands. Apparently, the exact phrase he said was 'These wimmen is driving me crazy yo, take them offa my hands so I can go chill and drink gin with my homies'.

From secret recordings made at the Whitehouse at around that time, it seems that Nixon was deadset against the idea, reasoning that the women could all be crooks. Strange how life worked out there innit.

Of course, seeing as I am both single and a humanitarian, I have written to the Chinese embassy and said that while I can't take 10 million, I can at least take 5 or so off their hands. So long as they're small and easily stackable.

And you thought I was grumpy...

I'm not a patch on this lady.

I have noted with interest that she doesn't say how she's going to top herself. I think she's missing a trick with this one - she can get teh internet to choose how she dies. It'll be grand.

Personally, I think she should try and commit suicide by drowning herself in a vat of treacle. Then we can harden the treacle into an amber like substance, and one day - when emo bullshit has died out, genetic scientists can use her DNA to artificially create emo bullshit.

We could even make a film out of it - call it Tragic Park.

P.S. - I'm not the only person mocking this girl, though this guy's probably funnier than I am at doing it.

A perfect valentine gift -

Ideal for the evangelical hottie in your life - it's the 'Looking Good for Jesus Lip Balm'

Your very own heresy in a tube folks. Handily it protects you up to SPF18. Unfortunately, to save you from the fires of hell you need SPF4 million.

If this stokes your interest - have a look at the full range.

Blame it on the boogie

This year's Rio De Janeiro party may well have a new theme.

The whole city is up in arms over the decision to ban a samba school's float. According to the judge, the idea of a giant pile of naked bodies with a dancing Hitler on top is in poor taste.

Speaking about it, Herman Goering of the Fun time Samba Nazis said 'Ve don't know vot people are complainink about. It is a celebration of the hardiness of ze Jewish People. It also illustrates how easy it vos to stack their lifeless bodies.'

Seriously guys - a dancing Hitler? When is that ever a good idea?

The birth of a new sport

From the land that gave you sausages, giant mugs of beer and a short man with a funny moustache comes a new olympic sport - baby dropping!

Apparently, this guy was all set to win the inaugral world championships, but a dodgy mark from the Polish judge scuppered him.

When you find extra money in your wallet

It's a wonderful thing. How many times have you reached into your pocket and thought to yourself "Hmm. That's not a hanky, and it doesn't feel like a receipt" Then you pull out a scrumpled up piece of paper, secretly hoping that it's a fiver. Then; joy of joys you unravel it, and it's a twenty!

It's a great feeling, and in a life of drudgery and boredom it can often be the highlight of your day (your day, not mine - I lead a full and rewarding life). So you have to feel slightly sorry for Peter Hain, the now former Secretary of State for Wales and the Work & Pensions Secretary. There he was, not a care in the world, checking his wallet for a receipt so that he could exchange the duplicate copy of Viva Pinata someone had bought him for his Xbox, when holy crap - he finds £108,000. Well, it could happen to anyone.

Of course - where he gets into trouble is that no one really knows where this money came from, and unlike finding a couple of quid down the back of the sofa, this is rather a lot of moolah. There's also the fact that the Conservative party a few years ago proved that £108,000 will buy you a lot of questions. It's so strange to watch post-Blair Labour copying the idiocy of post-Thatcher Tory.

Ah well - maybe if we give Mr. Hain some free condoms he won't feel so bad.

The welsh - not only stupid, but also lazy

Welcome to Febuary folks. I wouls say that I aim to be more productive during this month than I was in January, but I may well be on holiday for a large chunk of it, so I'm making no promises.

Anyway - this is about a story that Chris Bryant, Labour MP for Rhondda wants condoms to be given away free to teenagers. Obviously the have your own say on this story page of the beeb is full of people blaming liberal social policy, the fact that we don't beat children enough and quoting the rubbish about how 'they only do it to get a house' (which isn't really the case by the way). One woman suggests that girls who get pregnant should be 'shunned by society'. Which is a great idea. Maybe if we throw them into the ocean, we can let the great god Poseidon decided what to do with them

It's not a coincidence that the poorest areas of the UK are also those with the highest teen pregnancy rate. Though I was amazed that the beeb quoted one girl as saying she planned to get up the duff to avoid school because her homework was too hard.

Now there's a girl that the lord of the sea wouldn't look kindly upon.