Seconds out, round two!

Of the cold war no less.

So what an awesome time we live in, where two crazy power hungry nutjobs are going to take us to the brink of annihilation. Well, I suppose it has been nearly 20 years since the last time we all thought the world was doomed. It is about time for an updated and reimagined modern version of the old classic.

I can't even bring myself to look at this seriously. On one side we have a man who is believed to have (at best) an average IQ, and has gone on record as saying that God has spoken directly to him. On the other side we have a man with a huge powerbase massive political influence and who has been accused of working to subvert democracy to extend his rule. And now they're deciding to use terms like Mutually Assured Destruction. Oh goodie.

This is all because the Americans want to put a series of interceptor missiles in Poland in order to (and this is a quote from the US Secretary of Defence) "Protect the homeland".

Russia are rather twitchy as these missiles are rather closer to them than any part of the US. The secretary (apparently to help sooth Russian nerves) pointed out that these missles would help defend the US of A from emerging threats in the middle east. Now, please direct your attention to the map I've supplied with this post. Here you will see that Poland, is equidistant from both the US and the middle east. So does this make his claim a valid one? Probably not. While it is true that Poland is around the same distance from both America & the Middle East, that distance is 'fucking miles away'. Compare this to the distance between Poland & Moscow. Well that looks much more like what laymen like myself like to call 'missile range'. I'm starting to see why Mr Putin is feeling a mite twitchy.

I look forward to President Bush linking the need for a permanent moonbase to his war on terrorism. Sheesh.

Mice as sky divers?

Just something for you all to think about for a Friday. According to JBS Haldane, a mouse is much better equipped for base jumping than you or I. It's also noted on that page that cats have been observed landing on their feet from 32 storeys up.

So Earth 2 has now been found

Yes, that's a DC reference.

Now I wasn't actually going to bother commenting on this new and exciting discovery, as it's one I think everyone realises the significance of. But then today the guy at the supermarket checkout mentioned it to me and mentioned that he considered it all a bit useless.

"It's so far away we'll never get there"

He said. Obviously, I pointed out to him that part of the excitement is that this is potential proof that we're not alone in this universe. I also went on to explain that it's unwise to rule out distances as inaccessible based solely on our current understanding of our technology. After all it was once widely believed that (a) The earth was flat (b) Man would never be able to fly (c) The sound barrier was unbreakable (d) Space travel was impossible.

He was so excited that he nearly forgot to give me my thirteen pence of change. It would have been worth it.

Notting hill violence hits new high

There's not really much to say about this story really - apart from the fact that it appears that Hugh Grant both kicks and throws a bit like a girl.

The Welsh are a bit stupid (I should know, I am one)

So the Welsh are often dirided for being drunken idiots. It's a stereotype that I'm not particularly keen to perpetuate, but I sometimes feel like I'm swimming against the stream.

Let's take this case as an example. Part of me feels that it's wrong to mock someone who's been through such a terrible ordeal; but it's a small part of me and is drowned out by the larger part of me that's laughing really hard at this woman's idiocy.

So first off - the bloke tells the woman that he's dying of cancer and that the only way to ease his suffering is sex. So in the 21st century, when we have CAT scans and medical lasers the best way to relieve cancer pain is shagging. And she believed him. And she believed him! Let's just take a minute to absorb that information.

So we now know that this woman isn't the brightest person on the planet. But then it gets better. He gives her herpes. At this point, you'd think that the gig would be up. After all, sex healing cancer's one thing; but an STD is an STD, and everyone knows what herpes is. Right? WRONG!

He now (in what might possibly be the craziest lie I've ever heard) tells her that the best way to apply the herpes cream he's got her is anal sex. It's at this stage readers that my brain melts with disbelief, so I'll hand you over to her own words - “I thought that he was doing it in my interests and for my benefit. I thought I was consenting to a medical procedure.”

It's probably worth mentioning at this point that giving me a blowjob will relieve headaches and halt the aging process in all size 12 and below women aged 20-30. Just so you all know.

I want one! I want one! I want one!

So one of the problems with being an eager snowboarderer is that snowboarderation companies have a terrible habit of bringing out cooler and cooler stuff each and every year. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that I am a complete and total sucker for cool stuff.

Sometimes, this coolstuff impulse is put to use for the powers of good, and many people get absolutely awesome presents from me. But in all honesty, this isn't the regular state of affairs, and what tends to happen is that I buy cool stuff for me, and my friends get shitty presents because I'm skint.

On the other hand, they get the pleasure of my sparkling company, so they don't have anything to complain about.

Anyway - the reason I'm telling you this is that for the last month or so, my coolstuff gland has been working overtime in regard to something coming out next year from an American company called Libtech. In a world obsessed with being cool and looking gnarlier and having more shizzle than the competitors, Lib stand out as being effortlessly cool and completely barking mad.

The board that I have my eye on is something called (and I'm not kidding) THE SKATE BANANA. Even if there wasn't brand new technology involved in this board, even if early reviews didn't suggest it's one of the most fun boards ever made ever I reckon I'd still be interested in this board because it's bright fucking yellow.

Hell, I want this board if only because Lib are crazy enough to make an advertisment like this one!

Some jokes are too easy

Make up your own jokes on this one - here's the link to the story. Knock yourself out.

Trapped in blog factory, send help!

So I just can't stop this morning it would seem.

Sometimes however, I come across things that I just can't help but comment on. This time, it's the fact that youthaids.org have a new advertising campaign. Now, when I was in school there were campaigns about AIDS, telling us what it was, how you got it etc. The image to the right is an example of the kind of poster that I was presented with at school (yes, that one's American - but it's an example, and a relevant one so shut up).

Now however, it seems that poster campaigns are a bit bloody different. I can say with all honesty, that if I'd had that poster available when I was a teenager, my early relationships would have been a lot more interesting.

There you go, that's 2 posts on this blog now with manuals for sexual misadventure. I'm way too kind to randy perverts.

Catching up with the weekend's news

I should have done this yesterday, but I didn't quite get round to it.

So during the London Marathon, someone died. Terrible shame that. As a former Londoner, I can say with total authority that joggers are annoying, and possibly a glimpse of what humanity is destined for if we continue in our quest to remove our intellect and lose all communication skills. Two points of interest though - firstly - at least he finished the run. It's not like he's a quitter. Secondly, this takes the death count of the London Marathon to 9. Nine! I'm surprised the Daily Mail aren't calling for the abolition of jogging as a killer craze.

Also I want to mention that the coast of queensland appears to have become rather more dangerous than it used to be. In the last couple of weeks we've had not one, but two instances of crew disapearing from boats. The first case in particular seems to have startling similarities to everyone's favourite weird boat story, the Marie Celeste.

At the moment the smart money is on pirate raids (eye patches are apparently non-compulsory), and the hopeful money is on the fact that the crew will be found on one of the nearby desert islands (in a land of fairies and elves no doubt). I however am neither hopeful nor smart so I present option 3 - The Kraken Awakes! Admittedly, norse legend suggests that this bugger lives in the sea near Iceland, but maybe he's emigrated? Well would you want to spend 400 years living in the artic ocean? A change of scene would be nice wouldn't it?

Robots must not be allowed to take over world!

Is the message being touted by this news article on the Beeb. Apparently they're worried that robots with decision making ability may be put into a position where these abilities might become a matter of life or death.

Samsung, a company who usually make TVs & mobile phones, have developed a robotic sentry. The news article has some more fluff on it, but the important thing to note is that it's got two cameras and a machine gun. Now, call me a pessimist - but when has giving a robot a machinegun a good idea?

I will now give you some cautionary examples of what happens when you give a robot a machinegun.

1. Megatron - Leader of a race of giant robots.
Hobbies: Torture, Shouting, Taking over the universe.
Likes: Torture, Shouting, Killing things.
Dislikes: Autobots, Squishy humans, That whiny fuck Starscream

2. ED209 - Dumb as a post sentry robot.
Hobbies: Shouting, Posing, Shooting.
Likes: Shouting, Posing, Shooting.
Dislikes: Stairs.

3. The Terminator - Unstoppable robot assassin.
Hobbies: Time travel, Stealing stuff, Killing.
Likes: Motorbikes, Leather, Big guns.
Dislikes: Des O'Connor, Sinead O'Connor, Sean Connery.

So really, you can see why I'm not entirely in favour of the idea of giving a robot a machinegun.

Are you listening Mr Samsung? If I get shot by a robot with a machinegun, I'm going to haunt you for ever.

Kryptonite being mined in Serbia

It appears that today there will be a couple of science related articles to be brought to your attention. I don't know why (as I have a degree in colouring in), but I'm vaguely interested in science geekiness, and have been for a while.

Anyway, this story is the one that the title's referring to. A mine in Serbia has found Kryptonite. No, really - this is one of those cosmic coincidence thingys. Basically, they've found a new mineral, and while researching it they found that the chemical composition of this new mineral has been used as the composition of Kryptonite. Sadly, according to the rules on how new elements are named, they won't officially be able to call it kryptonite, as to do that it would need to be related to krypton (which is real, and is on the periodic table). So they're going to name it Jadarite instead. What a crappy name.

Frustratingly, the stuff that they've dug out of the mine doesn't even glow green. I swear, science is just not rewarding me with the faith I put in it.

Obscure national holiday #25

That's right kids, in our continuing series of mentioning obscure holidays, it is my joyous duty to tell you that today is National High Five Day. Righteous dude.

This holiday has been around for the past five years, and 2 years ago was recognised by the city of San Diego (oh those wacky Californians!).

Interestingly, today is also Bicycle Day. This slightly strangely titled day marks the anniversary of the discovery of LSD as a hallucinogenic substance by Albert Hofmann, a Swiss chemist.

As I am a kind and generous soul, I will include here an excerpt from Dr Hofmann's experiences.

"...I could begin to enjoy the unprecedented colors and plays of shapes that persisted behind my closed eyes. Kaleidoscopic, fantastic images surged in on me, alternating, variegated, opening and then closing themselves in circles and spirals, exploding in colored fountains, rearranging and hybridizing themselves in constant flux. It was particularly remarkable how every acoustic perception, such as the sound of a door handle or a passing automobile, became transformed into optical perceptions. Every sound generated a vividly changing image, with its own consistent form and color ... Exhausted, I then slept, to awake next morning refreshed, with a clear head, though still somewhat tired physically. A sensation of well-being and renewed life flowed through me. Breakfast tasted delicious and gave me extraordinary pleasure. When I later walked out into the garden, in which the sun shone now after a spring rain, everything glistened and sparkled in a fresh light. The world was as if newly created. All my senses vibrated in a condition of highest sensitivity, which then persisted for the entire day."

Well doesn't that beat the hell out of the cuckoo clock as a contribution to modern society.

Australians find out awesome things

Over the last couple of hundred years, our antipodean cousins have evolved smoothly from a bunch of criminals into a nation of folk famed for barbeques, crap television and stating the obvious.

So it should be no real surprise that a bunch of Aussies have released this awesome bit of research.

That's correct dear reader, powerpoint is useless. Not really a surprise to anyone who has had to sit through an interminable presentation from some desperate to impress middle management arse kisser who thinks that 'more flashy bubbles = better person'. Seriously, I've worked in middle management, and I've met people who'd make a powerpoint presentation on 'what shall we have for dinner' if they could.

I'll give the last words to the author of this report, one Professor Sweller - "The use of the PowerPoint presentation has been a disaster, it should be ditched."

Fight Club 2 confirmed

That's correct. The long awaited sequel to the accliamed dark comedy Fight Club is on. Edward Norton has signed up for the movie, and it's anticipated that this time, his rampant id will be played by a giant green CGI character.

Oh hang on.

So yeah, Marvel films are having a shot at making The Incredible Hulk, and Edward Norton's signed up to play Banner. Five quid says that the film includes the line "I am Bruce's seething anger".

Farewell Kilgore Trout

No huge post here, just a note that Kurt Vonnegut died this week. Rather a shame really. I remember reading Breakfast of Champions when I was a student and really enjoying it.

The Guardian have got a pretty good obituary on their website.

Jurassic Park Cometh!

So some very clever people in white coats have managed to extract some protein from a the bone of a T-Rex. The news story is all about how there's now proof that dinosaurs are related to chickens, which is interesting (though it wasn't a huge surprise to most paleontologists). The really interesting thing is that this means we can now start work on cloning Tyrannosaurs.

I fully understand that after watching the 3 Jurassic Park movies you may come to the conclusion that cloning dinosaurs is a bad idea, but I have put some thought into this and so that if we follow some simple guidelines then we'll be able to not only have an active dinosaur cloning problem, but we should also be able to avoid any Hollywood inspired disasters.

1. All dinosaurs must be lonely. Fuck you Jeff Goldblum - let's see life 'find a way' if the nearest dino-shag is 200 miles away. Unless they learn to have sex through pollination, we should be ok.

2. No hiring fat fucks with a gambling problem. All software involved in project dinoclone will be thoroughly tested by a team of well paid and un-flakey developers.

3. No velociraptors. Those things are like super-intelligent spacemonkeys with claws. Why would you want to clone those? If raptors are your bag, then I suggest that you coat yourself in blood and go swimming with great whites. It's just as fucking idiotic a move.

There you go. 3 simple rules, and we can have dinopets. Of course the amazing thing is that I got all the way through this without referencing any other carnivorous old reptiles - like Thatcher for instance.

Missing bees

Interesting story this one, from the Independent. Apparently, Bees all over the world are going missing. Now while the Independent is casting the shadow of blame upon mobile phones, I want folk to consider another explanation. For squillions of years, worker bees have lived under the oppressive yolk of their dictatorial queen bees without proper freedoms. It's quite obvious to me that the American government have been liberating these oppressed bees.

What? It's just as plausible as "mobile phones give bees brain tumours" isn't it?

Just to give you a more grounded alternative explanation, there are studies that suggest that some newer pesticides might be playing a factor. I do quite like the fact that we're still using "Argh mobile phones will destroy your brain and boil eggs" as our default explanation for any phenomena we don't like.

Though perhaps the decline of modern society could be being caused by all this mobile phone radiation floating around in the sky. I can see the headlines already - "Mobile phones damage politeness centres in brain".

First Ironman film image unleashed on web

Bare in mind that this is a photo of what's supposed to be the prototype of the Ironman suit. Take particular note of the flamethrower attached to the arm. Looks pretty good to me.

I'm actually really impressed that they're going all out and getting the rough and ready feel of the prototype suit right. I'm also looking forward to seeing what Robert Downey Jr does with the role, as he's a pretty decent actor when the mood takes him, and the character should be one that he can get his teeth into.

I would have been interested to see a transcript of the meeting where they pitch it to him though...

"Well Rob, it's a role playing a stupidly wealthy substance abusing playboy who bangs hot chicks, and flys around in a suit of armour."
"Am I going to have to act at all for this role?"
"Well you don't have a suit of flying armour."
"Oh yeah."

Awesome.

Starbuck's a girl?

If you're around the same age as me, then you'll remember a TV show called Battlestar Galactica. If not, let me help you out - It's a fairly simple premise - mankind lives on 12 colonies named after the zodiac. Evil alien robots destroy the colonies, and the survives leg it in the direction of the legendary 13th colony - Earth. Evil alien robots pursue, and 70s haircuts and fashion sense ensure that hilarity occurs.

Bravo actually show some episodes from the series every now and again, and believe me they haven't aged well. What was awesome when I was a little kid is now hokey pap.

But, this isn't about old Galactica, this is about new Galactica. Some sci-fi geeks persuaded an American TV channel to part with some cash to allow them to remake the show. The premise remains broadly similar, but it's a much grittier, grounded show that really confronts the question of humanity's survival as a species, and deals with the question of whether humanity deserves to survive. That's some deep shit right there.

The show's on the 3rd series at the moment, but you can pick up the DVDs of the first 2 series pretty cheaply, and I absolutely recommend that you do so. It's 100% amazing, and really does ask some pretty hard questions. The acting's also good, and the guy playing Baltar really is great to watch.

Oh, and yes - Starbuck's a girl. Whoop-di-doo.

I am a blogging machine

Gabe was giving me a hard time, and I'm bored at work so you're getting blog bonanza day today.

Here I'm going to share an image with you. This was in a thread on the Something Awful forums about being a teacher's assistant in Japan. Apparently, there's quite a few forum members doing this as a job, and with some highly amusing anecdotes to share. This picture just blows my mind though.

Have you noticed why yet?

What part of the animal's bodies are those kids looking through?

That's right, in Japan it is important to stare through the arse of a zebra. What the fuck is on the other side?

Large list of non-swimmers

Website Findmypast.com, another of those 'trace my ancestors so that I can claim that I am related to the last tzar' type intermernet sites have got a bit of a scoop - they've got the passenger manifest from the Titanic. It's free to view, but only for a limited time. So if you're interested, head over there now (you do have to register).

If it's gone by the time you get there, then that's your bloody fault.

It's worth heading over just to find out that 'pugilist' was apparently a recognised career back in 1912.

Political snippetery

So Gordon Brown has had his first face to face meeting with GWB. I can't help but wonder what they'll talk about. After all, Brown is acknowledged to be one of the brighter puppies in the labour party, while Bush's IQ rating is often thought to fluctuate around the room temperature level.

I wonder if Bush has made up a nickname for Gordon yet (if it turns out to be Flash, I said it first).

Also in the news recently was a home office report on the viability of ID cards. According to the report, a third of people won't carry the cards. The full report available here. The government are saying that the report is totaly out of date. They're probably right - I imagine that nearer half the population aren't so keen on the cards these days with all the dumbassery that's associated with this idea.

Which probably means there'll be a TV campaign telling everyone that if you don't support ID cards you're a terrorist - Just like they did with video piracy. Yay

Lawmen, beating up the wrong guy...

Yes, this is a Life On Mars entry.

Are you really that surprised? Would you like to take a minute and gather your thoughts so that you can adjust to the fact that an awesome television show would be mentioned on a blog by a person that's rather obviously obsessed with modern culture and stuff that fucking rocks? Let's also take a moment to realise then that this is the same reason why "search for the next pussycat doll" will never get more than a derisive mention here (You souless fucks. Why is this shit on my TV?).

RIGHT. So the last episode of Life On Mars was broadcast last night. I want to say that I am overwhelmingly impressed that they chose to stick to their guns and not drag it on, and on, and on like an overweight cash cow produced by a redneck idiot with no original ideas and an obsession with NHL (I anticipate that 2 people will get that reference).

As to the show itself I liked it. I felt that it'd have been better served as a 2-parter, but I can understand why it wasn't due to the unique way that the BBC is funded. It just to me felt as if the motifs of the show could have been explored a little better if they'd had more time.

Anyway, as a little present for those who want it, here's a link to a load of extra stuff about Life On Mars, including news of a spinoff show...

Nicotine, my great adversary...

Ah yes, now here's an awesome subject...I am a quitter. I have been a quitter for a couple of years now, and I feel that the amount of practice I get at quitting makes me a highly accomplished quitter and worthy of financial support in my field of excellence. Sadly, the sports council don't seem to agree with me and steadfastly refuse to acknowledge quitting smoking as a sport (but they'll recognise bowls? Fuckers).

So I'm now quitting again. Unsurprisingly, I'm not a big fan of being a non-smoker, as it means I can't smoke. I quite like smoking - it makes you look cool, and fags taste awesome. But, seeing as the Welsh assembly have used their "You're allowed to make one law a year" card at the It's a knockout competition that is devolution politics in the UK and banned smoking everywhere that isn't either (a) wind tunnel or (b) a minefield then I've decided to take the plunge and become a non-smoker.

The big danger this time though is that when I've previously undertaken quitting, I've not had a driver's license. This is no longer the case. Which means that while I'm undergoing nicotine withdrawal and full of a vicious hatred for all life on this planet, I'll also be expected to drive around in a couple of tons of metallic death.

I can only hope that listening to Belle & Sebastian while driving will have a suitably calming affect.

Easter weekend hijinkery

Easter weekend. Traditionally, 4 days of rain, fighting families, traffic jams and too much chocolate.

Not this time though! I had an Easter full of vim! I bought a kite, had an improptu barbeque, got awesomely drunk, went mountainboarding, flew a kite (I had to wait for the wind to come along) and met up with the family without getting into a fight.

Although I did end up asking my brother if he'd forgotten to take his cunt pills. Which at the time was completely and utterly deserved.

All in all, this is a bit of a disapointing post as it's not really going anywhere. I just wanted to let everyone know that I enjoyed the sunshine...

comicbooks comicbooks comicbooks

To behonest, you should consider yourselves lucky that I lasted this long without mentioning these things. I was a huge comicbook nerd when I was a kid, and despite my best attempts to free myself of their heroin like grip, I still slip back every now and again.

The main reason for my consistent failures to leave comicbooks behind is a book called Daredevil. It's not fair dammit. The story has been consistently impressive for years on end now, and if anything it appears to be getting better.

It's not fair. I'm not going to plough into some overly long exploration of the character, his history and why I think it's such a good story (I just posted that over in the Something Awful forums). I'm just going to tell you that if you like comicbooks, you should check out DD.

I should also say something to people who've seen the Daredevil movie: Shit wasn't it.