The worst idea an Australian's ever had.

Here's one for you all...

I am now recommending that you avoid the following film - Russell Crowe in a film about Bill Hicks.

To prevent you from having to read too much of the article, I shall summarise. Russell Crowe (self obsessed Australian brawler with the emotional depth of a sheet of tesco value tinfoil) wants to make a film about Bill Hicks where he stars as Bill Hicks (the film is tentatively titled A Film About Bill Hicks Starring Russell Crowe As Bill Hicks).

This movie is such a bad idea that this morning, Russell was contacted by Hugo Chavez, crazy Venezualan President who wants to create his own time zone and told that the plan was a bit 'out there' and that maybe 'you're fucking crazy Russell!'. The idea is so bad that Zambia's president - Levy Mwanawasa - dropped stone dead when he found out. He was only 59!! When the Russian government found out they decided to invade a small former Soviet state and bomb it to hell and back - that's how pissed off they were about the idea.

There you go. Today's film to avoid - Russell Crowe in A Film About Bill Hicks Starring Russell Crowe As Bill Hicks. I bet that ends up being the fucking title as well. Wankers.

Some of the best damn cops and robbers ever

It's been a while since I've been binging about anything on TV, so I'd like to take the time to say that you should do everything you can to get hold of and watch The Wire.

It's an American cops and robbers show, but it's not written like 93% of other television shows out there. The Wire is all about the long game. I'm just finishing up watching season three, and they're talking down one of their targets from the first show. Three years of TV, and only now is this guy being taken down.

The whole show is written in that ethos. You could even argue that the format that most shows would use for an episode (cops find villain, cops investigate villain, cops take down villain) is used for an entire season. It's a show that assumes intelligence from it's audience, and that obviously works damn hard to be the grittiest show out there.

It's fucking sweet dude. You've got to watch it.

Crap Films My Housemates Own #4 : Ultraviolet

Now, let's be clear. I'm not talking about the TV series with that fella who was Miles in This Life and Admiral stiff upper lip in Pirates of the Carribean and was probably the last halfway decent thing ITV made before they became obsessed with the Ant & Dec saturday night fuck you in the eye with premium rate numbers, I'm talking about the movie with that Milla Jollywitch woman. You know, the woman who was in those classic movies like Resident Evil 2 and Joan of Arc. The one with virtually no clothes in the Fifth Element.

So, my review. It's a tricky one this...as I didn't really watch much of the film. You know how far I got into this film before I switch it off? No, neither do I. I was in such a hurry to switch it off I didn't even look to see how far it'd got. I do know that it felt like half my natural life had leaked out of my eyes by the time my hand reached the stop button, but I couldn't put a number to it. Though if I had to make a guess, I go with seventeen minutes.

This film is so bad that I received a letter from my retinas explaining that if I tried to pull that shit again they'd start cutting themselves with razorblades.

The only thing that makes this film less offensive than the third reich is that this movie didn't kill six million jews. Though I suspect that around three million probably died from watching the advance screenings.

If you're planning on watching this film then my advice is to put some time aside beforehand. Take your friend and family to the park, play football, have a lovely picnic and say your goodbyes to the people that you love; watching this film will either kill you or reduce you to the level of a dribbling vegetable with all the responsiveness of Terry Schiavo.

Crap films my housemates own #3 : Eragon

This is a film based on a book. A book so bad, that the only reason it was published is that the writer published it himself. This is like inventing the sport of high speed cock waggling just so that you can be world champion of high speed cock waggling when no-one but you and Norris McWhirter shows up to your high speed cock waggling championship in your back garden. And the film is far worse than the book.

This movie can be summed up like this "Hey, it's fucking star wars! (but with dragons instead of light sabers)". That's right, they've replaced awesome light sabers with dragons. A dragon instead of a light saber? What's the good in that? You can't twirl a dragon around your head making 'whum, whum' noises. You can't use a replica dragon to bash your younger brother into concussion...it's just not a fair trade. Having my light saber traded for a dragon makes me feel a little like a cherokee indian who's had his tribal lands traded for a sack full of beads. In fact, I am slightly surprised that this film didn't cause anyone to run around the cinema with a tomahawk screaming 'where's my light saber mother fuckers' while scalping any palefaces they could find.

Also, there's a castle instead of the death star. So there are no x-wings, no millenium falcon, no planets exploding and no lightsabers. And the dragon that they replace the lightsabers with is a prissy lesbian dragon with a voice like Mary Poppins. It's one of those sensible shoes and short hair lesbians, not the hot and interesting lesbians that appear in so many films that I am a fan of.

If you want to watch this movie, set up two televisions. On one, watch Star Wars. On the other, watch a fat man having a stroke in a pool of lime jelly. You'll have a much better time.

Crap Films My Housemates Own #2 : Rollerball

Now, before you start thinking to yourself "hang on there skippy, Rollerball was a 70s scifi classic and Sonny Corleone is awesome in it as a rollerskating, ass kicking mafia badass!" I want to make this clear - I don't give a crap what you think.

Also, I'm talking about the 2002 remake. So there motherfuckers!

On the face of it, this shouldn't be a load of big hairy balls. It's directed by John McTiernan who's credits include Die Hard, The Hunt For Red October, The 13th Warrior & The Thomas Crown Affair remake (which I prefer to the Steve McQueen version). It stars the coolest frenchman known to man (Jean Reno) and let's face it, the original was a pretty good movie. But then it starts to all go wrong. It's got LL Cool J in it. It's got Chris Klein in it (one of the guys from the American Pie movies who didn't fuck a pie). It's got a character in it called Aurora (I don't know why, but I don't think I've ever seen a film where a character called Aurora is anything but appallingly acted).

So anyway. This film now appears to be about an ice hockey player who goes to play rollerskating deathmatch in Kazakstan or something. I don't really understand the plot as - well there isn't really one apart from the fact that Jean Reno's supposed to be some sort of gangster badass and quite plainly can't really be bothered to act. Rebecca Romjin Stamos is also in this as a moody Kazak beauty. I unfortunately think someone told her that they wanted her part to be that of a moody Kazak fencepost, as that's about as exciting as her character is.

At the end of the day, this is just bad. The wirework's obvious, the directing is lazy and the plot is so bad that I am considering writing a letter to the CIA implicating the writers in a terrorist plot as their work is so shoddy they probably do deserve to spend five years in Guantanemo Bay. Couple all of this with a cast who quite clearly have realised that they've signed up to a big floating turd of a movie, and you've got Rollerball the remake.

My housemates bought it so you wouldn't have to.

Just a quick note...

The BBFC rejected one DVD release this year.

In a year of Saw 2, Saw 3: Extreme edition and Saw 4: More fucking sawing, only one DVD wasn't allowed a certificate.

The box set of Weeds. Apparently, a show about a pot dealer glamourises drug use.

Also, I was lying about there being a film called Saw 4. For now.

Crap Films My Housemates Own #1 : Dragon Wars.

So in what could quite easily become a regular feature, I'd like to take the some time to talk about a movie one of my housemates recently bought - Dragon Wars.

Now on the face of it, I have to admit that this film should be damn awesome. The cover's got dragons and Apache helicopters on it for fuck's sake. How can this film not be brilliant? So I thought I'd give it a watch.

Well it wasn't good. It was terrible. It started badly with some wise and noble shop keeper prattling on about how there was an ancient prophecy and a chosen one who could save or destroy the world, and a girl with a tattoo who was the key to it all. There was a giant snake, chasing cars and some samurai fuckers with way too much shiny armour (there's something, if you're a big evil sneak about bastard - why's your armour made of bloody chrome?). Well about an hour into this film and not only have I not seen any bloody dragons but I have been subjected to some of the worst acting I've seen.

I'd love to say that there's some redeeming feature of this movie. But there isn't. No boobies, no huge awesome explosions, no crazy kung fu fighting, just a bloody big snake and some twats with samurai swords and armour. This film is appalling and if you're going to watch this movie you should mentally prepare yourself by committing suicide using a bath and an electric toaster while listening to the theme tune from Cheggers Plays Pop on unending repeat. It's an experience that's almost as uncomfortable as watching this film's bad plot and bad acting, and at least it'll give your local community support officer something to do that's more useful than tasering dogs.

So there you go. Dragon Wars. It's a fucking shitty movie with a big snake in it.

How to be a fucking cock and thrive...

I swear, there's some fucking idiot involved in the programming at ITV.

Take this for example - Piers Morgan on Sandbanks. I mean I realise that being a foul, shit stirring leech on society is practically a valid career these days; but do we really need to get this fucker swanning around with Dorset's super rich?

I look forward to next year's big documentary series on ITV2 - Harold Shipman on the NHS for pensioners. Sheesh.

Other people won't get this joke

So Wales are playing South Africa in rubgy this weekend. Nothing that exciting about that but I just caught the beeb's advert for the game.

The reason I like it is that they've used the soundtrack from Zulu for it. So around 80% of the people who see the advert will have no fucking clue why it's so clever.

I have been slack as all hell

I should have been much more motivated updating this blog, and I'm sorry.

I have been distracted by the news that Warner Brothers in their infinite wisdom have decided to make a sequel to Lost Boys. Welcome back Edgar Frog!

Best line in the trailer has to be 'Your sister's a suck monkey'

Skip to the end

Warner Brothers TV are going to make an American version of Spaced. Twats.

Now, if you read the Variety article on the news, then you (like me) would probably end up with the impression that Simon Pegg & Edgar Wright are rather on board with the whole thing.

Of course, that isn't quite the truth. If you'd like a more accurate version of what's been going on - you can check out Wright's myspace blog. It makes interesting reading.

So I'll leave you with this point - Americans remaking Spaced - almost as good an idea as trying to rape the pope.

HBO make with the awesome.

I'm sure I don't need to tell you that HBO have a tendency toward making awesome TV. These are after all the guys behind the Sopranos, Sex in the City & Band of Brothers.

What they're also responsible for is a 12 part series called - "From The Earth To The Moon".

The show focuses on the Apollo missions, on the people involved, on the technical and political challenges they had to face and the setbacks they hit along the way (unsurprisingly, there were quite a few).

The exploration of space holds a strange fascination for me. It always has. For me, there's something about it that just captures and holds my imagination so this show really appeals to me. What makes it even better is that the entire series is currently available on Virgin Media's on demand service.

So if you're reading this Mr Murdoch - From the Earth to the Moon - 500 times better than repeats of Stargate. Even if it doesn't have Macgyver in it.

Well that's bummed me out...

Apparently, it's Tony's birthday in Hollyoaks and the fucker's only 30.

So the oldest character in Hollyoaks is 2 years younger than me. Good job I don't watch that shit isn't it.

Watch television!

Sometimes, having a digital TV is worthwhile...

BBC4 are doing a three point series called Comics Britannia. With narration from Armando Ianucci, it's a look back at the comicbook industry in the UK. You've already missed part one, but part two is on tonight. For me though, it's going to be part three that's the winner - on next week it deals with comics in the UK in the 70s & 80s (when I was growing up) and features an interview with Alan Moore - one of the best writers the genre's ever had, and as mad as a box of frogs. Recently, he's gained notoriety for wanting absolutely nothing to do with the movie versions of several stories that he's written. He also looks like some kind of mad necromancer who in ye olde days of yore would live in a dark shadowy castle just waiting for a dark and stormy night so that the local peasants could pop over with their burning sticks and pitchforks for a cup of tea and some lynching.

Anyhooo....Here's the link to the page about the show - give it a watch.

And the quality of tv shoots up

Thanks to big brother ending. I don't think I've ever enjoyed that damn show.

Just to make sure that this isn't an entirely negative post though, I saw this advert on telly last night, and I think it's the best chocolate advert I've ever seen.

Robots in disguise

Well it really shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that I've seen this film, after all - it's Transformers.

There are so many flaws with this film that I could mention - there's the cheesy way that Bumblebee can't speak, there's the naff way that Jazz's death seems to have no effect on anyone, there's the dumbassery of John Turturro's governmental agent...there's an awful lot wrong with this film.

I don't care. It's fucking Transformers for crying out loud. I enjoyed it, and it was wonderfully fun robot carnage.

If I'm honest however, I would have been just as happy with 2 hours of original Optimus Prime & Megatron beating the shit out of each other.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the silver surfer

Here is my review -

If you are going to go and see this movie, spare yourself the trouble. I would suggest slamming your hand in a doorway as a suitable alternative. It's a similar experience, and you can explain your whereabouts to friends and family with less embarassment.

Man it's a piece of shit. The only thing that comes anywhere near to a saving grace is the back and forth between Thing & Torch. Apart from that it sucks. I also can't help but wonder who came up with the idea to have Doctor Doom in this movie as well. He was shit in the first film - putting him in this film doesn't make him less shit. Shittyness isn't like magnetic charges. Two shitty appearances don't cancel each other out - they add together for double the shittyness.

So yeah - don't go and see the Fantastic Four film. Go and see 'Flying Scotsman' instead. It's a film about a hobbit on a bike riding in circles - and just by having that much plot, it's guaranteed to be better than Fantastic Four.

Hiding behind the sofa

Yep, another mention of Doctor Who.

This time though, it's to pimp the episode that was on this evening; "Blink". Fuck me that was scary. No, really!

It's not like I'm a big coward about this kind of stuff, I enjoy horror films, and I'm pretty well desensitised to most of the stuff that's tagged as 'horrifying', 'terrifying' or 'pants-shittingly nasty' (well, apart from films like Bring it on, but we've all got limits).

But I was most definitely surprised by what I saw today. Scary, clever and psychologically jarring. It was also an excellent episode, and I really enjoyed it. So if you get the chance, catch it when it's repeated on BBC16.

I have to admit though, I'm glad that I don't have any young kids, as I guarentee there will be thousands of nippers across the UK shitting themselves tonight.

Why I don't love Lost.

For those of you who live in a world without television, a series called LOST came to the UK a little while ago. The (basic) premise is that it's about a bunch of people who survive a plane crash and end up marooned on a desert island. Here's a youtube link with the first couple of minutes of season 1 for you.

As you can tell from that, this isn't exactly what you'd call run of the mill television. This show is clever, engaging and likes to use cliffhangers of a gargantuan size. So really, this is exactly the kind of show that I should love. I should be harping on about this in much the same way as I have about Battlestar Galactica & Heroes but I'm not - so what happened?

I'll admit that when Lost first arrived on the telly, I was in love. It was snappy, peppy and gave me a warm tingly feeling in my bowels. I used to get together with my housemates, put my feet up and enjoy the show, then laugh at Hilary when she would scream in annoyance at the inevitable cliffhanger at the end of the hour. I really did enjoy the first season, and I was looking forward to the second season (though the fact that nothing was ever resolved was starting to grate).

Then season two started. While I was away snowboarding for a month. I missed the first three episodes of season two, so when I tried to watch the series I was screwed. I didn't know what was going on, who some of the people were and why they weren't following directly on from season one. I felt like I'd come home and found my girlfriend in bed with the milkman - and in a completely rational decision, said fuck it and stopped watching Lost.

Which is probably a shame as I have no idea if the dog is still alive, if Merry the hobbit is still smoking heroin, and if Kate has had a hot threeway with Jack & Sawyer.

So there you go - I loved Lost, but it cheated on me and I threw it out like the evil whore that it was.

Scary Geeks : Doctor Who fans

Ahh Doctor Who. That classic televisual treat from when I was growing up. I have fond memories of being scared out of my fucking wits by the Cybermen & Davros, of finding Tom Baker to be a creepy motherfucker (especially when he was fighting vampires with spaceships!). For those with a short attention span, then yes - there's also a modern version with special effects, sonic screwdrivers and daleks every other episode.

All this is well and good, and I quite enjoy the new series but that's not what this is about - this is about how scary Doctor Who fans can be.

But all these pale compared to the work that this ardent fan has put in. For those of you who are wondering, if you find yourself stuck in a TARDIS and needing to enter some co-ordinates to get home, or to escape Daleks, or if you just want to go and kick Hitler in the balls - here's the format - (space-type-code, time-type-code, space-origiin, reference-point-1, reference-point-2, F (motion vector), unit-code, x, y, z, t, t1 (timestamp)).

Aren't you glad that you know that.