Hello. My name is China and I'm an enormous wanker.

So let's recap. When the IOC awarded the 2008 Olympics to Beijing, there were some people who said things like "Hang on - this is China we're talking about - are we sure that we want to give them the olympics?"

At which point, the Chinese said "Nah man, it'll be cool. We'll totally stop being a bunch of wankers and be nice to everyone." The IOC, for their part came back and said that they thought that China was cool and completely trustworthy.

Well here we are just one week away from the start of the Olympics and China have been caught supplying Sudan's government with military supplies and training so that they can keep killing people in Darfur.

The pollution in Beijing is currently more than five times the World Health Organisation air quality target. The smog is being tracked on the beeb's site and it's pretty easy to see. It's so bad in fact that many athletes are talking about keeping away from Beijing for as long as possible and wear gas masks while they're there.

Today, Amnesty International have released a report that states that the human rights situation in China has worsened rather than improved in the run up to the games. The report talks about increases in media censorship & forced labour 're-education' and a crackdown on human rights activists.

I'd love to hear what Sharron Davies thought of that. Maybe she thinks it's ok so long as the olympic competitors get to swim in their nice pool and get their nice medals.

I have to say it - but I just don't understand how anyone can look at this situation and think to themselves that it'd be a good idea to go be involved with a tacit approval of China's regime. I know no olympian reads this blog, but isn't it sad that we don't even expect world class competitors to consider pulling out of the three ring circus that is Beijing olympics.

Pick one. No, not that one. Pick another one!

Did you ever have a kid come up to you with a pack of cards wanting to do a magic trick? This is how it invariably goes.

"Pick a card"
(you pick a card)
"No, not that one. Pick another one"
(you pick a different card)
"You're not doing it right! Pick another one"
(you pick another different card)

At this point the kid usually either goes apeshit, starts crying or walks off after calling you an old cunt. Sometimes though, if the kids really retarded or has some kind of obsessive compulsive disorder he just won't fucking quit until you get the 'right card' at which point...

"It's the six of clubs!"

...which coincidentally is also the point where I snap, eat the card before he can see what it is and post the child to Thailand with only half a pack of jellybabies and a lonely planet phrase book to survive with. I fucking hate kids.

Anyway - the point is that the whole "pick a card, no that card" is stupid, annoying and is only done by hugely retarded children. So I can't help but wonder why the French president is up to exactly the same game.

Conservative party in 'bunch of racists' shocker...

Nice one Boris.

So London's comedy mayor has had his first bit of fun with adviser James McGrath.

James told a journalist "black people who didn't like it here could go back".

Apparently the remarks were taken out of context. Perhaps what he said was along the lines of "If I was a huge fucking racist then I'd say something along the lines of black people who didn't like it here could go back. Good job I'm not a huge fucking racist isn't it. Oh, and Boris Johnson's awesome and totally not a comedy mayor."

Yeah, I don't think that's what happened either.

Burma shave

I wasn't really sure whether or not this needed mentioning, as I don't really have anything new to bring to this arguement, but holy tittyfucking christ, the Burmese junta are a bunch of fucking fuckers.

I know full well that there are arguments that can be made that their refusal to allow in foreign aid will in the end hasten their demise, but I struggle with that. We're talking about hundred of thousands of people in need of help. As much as I want to see Burma's military dictatorship crumble, I don't want one and a half million people to die to make it happen.

I suppose this is one of those end justifies the means things that I struggle with so much.

China's Olympic Adventure

I haven't stuck my hat in the ring on this one yet...but I want to say something.

Sharron Davies went on the record saying that athletes shouldn't boycott the Beijing Olympics because of their horrendous human rights record, that they shouldn't boycott the Beijing Olympics because at this very moment China is busy killing Tibetean protesters, and that they shouldn't boycott the Beijing Olympics because the Chinese government is horrible, manipulative and one of the most oppressive regimes on the planet.

Writing for The Sun (yeah - that tells you just how much attention we should be paying to this woman), Sharron says -

"As an athlete, you can’t just say: “Oh well, I will go to the next one.” It might be the one moment you are at your peak, at the right age, at a crucial stage in your performance. You cannot just put it off for four years."

So apparently, being an athlete means you no longer have to be a human being. Well isn't that great. Sharron, apparently your BBC commentary chair for the Olympics will be made from the skins of three year old baby girls. Make sure you enjoy that comfortable seat while you earn your wage talking about other morally bankrupt competition junkies.

Things I didn't know

I didn't know this -

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

In other news, it looks like it's going to be very likely that we'll know exactly who's buying dinner for MPs. Obviously this is very interesting, but I suspect anyone reading this will still be thinking about the fucking cat.

When you find extra money in your wallet

It's a wonderful thing. How many times have you reached into your pocket and thought to yourself "Hmm. That's not a hanky, and it doesn't feel like a receipt" Then you pull out a scrumpled up piece of paper, secretly hoping that it's a fiver. Then; joy of joys you unravel it, and it's a twenty!

It's a great feeling, and in a life of drudgery and boredom it can often be the highlight of your day (your day, not mine - I lead a full and rewarding life). So you have to feel slightly sorry for Peter Hain, the now former Secretary of State for Wales and the Work & Pensions Secretary. There he was, not a care in the world, checking his wallet for a receipt so that he could exchange the duplicate copy of Viva Pinata someone had bought him for his Xbox, when holy crap - he finds £108,000. Well, it could happen to anyone.

Of course - where he gets into trouble is that no one really knows where this money came from, and unlike finding a couple of quid down the back of the sofa, this is rather a lot of moolah. There's also the fact that the Conservative party a few years ago proved that £108,000 will buy you a lot of questions. It's so strange to watch post-Blair Labour copying the idiocy of post-Thatcher Tory.

Ah well - maybe if we give Mr. Hain some free condoms he won't feel so bad.

The welsh - not only stupid, but also lazy

Welcome to Febuary folks. I wouls say that I aim to be more productive during this month than I was in January, but I may well be on holiday for a large chunk of it, so I'm making no promises.

Anyway - this is about a story that Chris Bryant, Labour MP for Rhondda wants condoms to be given away free to teenagers. Obviously the have your own say on this story page of the beeb is full of people blaming liberal social policy, the fact that we don't beat children enough and quoting the rubbish about how 'they only do it to get a house' (which isn't really the case by the way). One woman suggests that girls who get pregnant should be 'shunned by society'. Which is a great idea. Maybe if we throw them into the ocean, we can let the great god Poseidon decided what to do with them

It's not a coincidence that the poorest areas of the UK are also those with the highest teen pregnancy rate. Though I was amazed that the beeb quoted one girl as saying she planned to get up the duff to avoid school because her homework was too hard.

Now there's a girl that the lord of the sea wouldn't look kindly upon.

European AIDS is scarier than British AIDS.

I ain't kidding folks!

British aids isn't scary at all.

French aids scares the shit out of me.

Those of you with a nervous disposition may want to think twice before clicking on that link.

Know your Bond Villains #32 - Andrei Lugovoi

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present Bond Villain number 32 from our series 'Know your Bond Villains and Recognise Their Villainy'.

This is Andrei Lugovic. Whilst he is a Bond Villain, he also maintains a cunning and disarming charade as an elected politician in the free and democratic country of post cold war Russia.

As you can see from his photo, Andrei's an enigmatic and charming individual, and uses his sexy Russian accent to disarm potential female assassins. When visiting England, Andrei is often found in cool sushi bars and the more affluent areas of London like Knightsbridge.

Whilst Andrei obviously has a small army of faceless thugs to carry out his every villainous whim, he does occasionally like to get involved with the murdering, especially if the murdering involves murdering someone who's talking too much. In these cases, his favourite method is to use a nuclear isotope as a poison, thereby guaranteeing his murderee a slow and painful death.

Andrei's favourite television show is Scrubs, and if he likes to listen to N-sync while he's driving his car over the bodies of the oppressed.

Oh wait - no, this isn't a Bond Villain - this is a real person! Sorry - I got confused. God knows how that happened!

I love the NIE!!!!!!

Yes I do.

The NIE is the United States National Intelligence Estimate. This is all about the declassified central findings of a report released this week that says that Iran halted it's nuclear weapons program back in 2003.

Why is this report important? Because up until that report came out, the Whitehouse had been working hard to shape the public's perception that Iran is a dangerously close to having a nuclear bomb and that the best way to protect America is to bomb Iran back into the stone age.

Hmm...well that sounds familiar!

Now before you go out and decry this report as an aberration, let's remember that the IAEA report came back with pretty much the same conclusions, and it's hard to ignore the fact that maybe we don't need a world war three just yet.

You know how bored I am of GWB's warmongery? I'm not even going to make a joke about it. But I am going to tell you that if you watch some of Bill Hick's stuff about Iraq, you could almost forget that he's talking about George Bush Senior and Gulf War version 1.0.

coppery mockery shockery

I should write headlines for a redtop.

Anyway - this is the story about a police force, speed cameras and how difficult it is to catch people who are speeding.

Poor South Yorkshire Police. No sooner is their chief constable Meredydd Hughes banned for speeding than the beeb has the cheek to submit a freedom of information request to find out if any other police cars have been snapped speeding.

Would you like to know howmany photos they found out about?

26. There were twenty six cases where South Yorkshire police officers were caught speeding on duty, failed to admit that they were driving and cases were dropped. A spokesman said that they couldn't identify the drivers.

Hang on a second...I've seen enough of the Bill to know that cars are signed out. Does this mean that the entire reason that these drivers couldn't be identified is because they couldn't recognise the signatures?

Wow. It's a good job Myra Hyndley didn't sign her confession with a leaky fountain pen or they'd never have caught her!

Medal of Honour 6: Private contractor

So you may remember that earlier in the year there was a bit of a fuss when some security guards from the American firm Blackwater (which is a pretty awesome name) killed 17 people.

So let's see what some of the news sources around the globe have picked up about this story then. ABC News ran with news that a Blackwater guard said he returned fire at Iraqis dressed as civilians.

Now maybe it's just me, but could an Iraqi dressed as a civilian actually be an Iraqi civilian? Way to go ABC News for running with that piece of Orwellian language.

The Washington Post quoted a US official as saying that at least one Blackwater guard drew a weapon on his colleagues and shouted at him to "stop shooting". Sounds to me like Blackwater need to change their server settings to ban friendly fire!

Iraqi eyewitnesses have said that guards moved into the roundabout stopping the traffic. They then fired on a white sedan that had failed to slow down. According to those accounts, the car burst into flames killing the occupants. One eyewitness said Blackwater operatives had fired a rocket or grenade into the car.

The reports continue, and say Blackwater guards then fired without provocation into the surrounding area as civilians and Iraqi officers tried to flee. They say the officers did not return fire.

So apparently - failing to slow down when some mercenary with a gun starts waving at you is the action of an evil terrorist. I'm pretty certain that's not entirely true. I'm also continually frustrated that we're not calling this as it is - the American government are using mercenaries, and giving them immunity from any crimes they may commit while under contract to the United States. If ever there were a set of circumstances guarenteed to lead to a fucked up situation - this is it. Take a bunch of cold blooded, financially motivated killers. Arm them, and tell them that they won't be held accountable if some brown people turn up dead. Well at least we all know why the population of Mississippi has dropped - they're all on a hunting trip.

The New York Times are quoting 'unnamed US officials' and printing that a premliminary FBI investigation found that at least 14 of the 17 shootings were 'unjustified'.

I don't know why we're worried though. The US State department is on the case. They've got an inspector general - Howard Krongard. He's investigating Blackwater, and their employee's actions and has been doing so for the last 2 months. Thank god for Mr Krongard and his investigation. He's totally excellent at investigating. For example, yesterday he discovered that his brother was part of Blackwater's advisory board. 2 months. 60 days. 1440 hours of investigating and what has Mr Krongard discovered? That his brother's a part of the company that he's investigating.

I have to say, if you ever want to get away with something, ask for Howard Krongard to investigate it. He hasn't got a fucking clue.

Some pun about oil

Well it's been a while, but I very nearly just shouted at my computer when I read this.

Exxon are appealing against having to pay the $2.5 billion fine that they received for devastating 1300 miles of Alaskan coastline. Now while that may seem excessive, let's look at some of the facts.

The Valdez spilt 11 million gallons of crude oil. It killed an estimated 250,000 seabirds, 2,800 Otters, 300 seals, 250 bald eagles & 22 killer whales. This was a disaster of epic proportions. Communities have been devastated, whole ecologies have been wiped out and still Exxon say that they don't think that they should be fined.

So is it because that if they pay the fine they'll be bankrupt? No. Exxon's net profit for last year was $39.5 billion. So if they payed their fine, then they'd still have had a profit of $37 billion. Which is more than the GDP of Bulgaria.

So why don't they want to pay the fine? I'll quote Walter Dellinger, Exxon's lead lawyer - "This record punitive award unquestionably raises important issues of constitutional dimension." So apparently paying a fine for putting a drunk in charge of an oil tanker is in fact anti-american.

So it's not that Exxon are a greedy, soulless bunch of fucks who don't want to pay a fine, it's that they're preserving America's freedom.

Nice one. Apparently next week, they're going to protect my freedom even further by organising a sponsored shoot an endangered species week. The board of directors have even bought state of the art machineguns for the occasion, and the CEO is looking forward to testing the integrated grenade launcher functionality on a family of meerkats.

How to tell you are under the yoke of dictatorship - a handy guide.

I figured that what with us living in an uncertain world, this'd be a useful little guide to keep handy so that you can tell when your country becomes a dictatorship...

1. The head of your country has a snazzy title like 'General' 'El Presidente' or 'Grand Vizier'
2. The only newspapers and/or television stations start the day with the national anthem, feature shows on about how awesome your country is, and how terrible everyone else is.
3. Anyone who disagrees with how awesome your country is is either a criminal, an exile, or strangely ends up poisoned by a nuclear isotope.
4. American is either your best friend or your most hated enemy. It's strange, but I don't think I can remember a dictatorship that is indifferent toward America (have a think about it).

So there you go - four quick points to help you work it all out. I figured that it'd be useful seeing as we have a new dictatorship in the offing (the name begins with a P and ends in akistan if you haven't worked it out yet).

Buy the guardian...

For this week at least.

Every day this week, the guardian are giving away supplements which feature reprinted articles from the Guardian's history. Today's supplement focuses on political articles between 1821 & 1975.
Without giving too much away, here are a couple of the headlines that caught my eye...

From March 28th, 1829 - Prime Minister fights duel over Catholic remarks.
From September 5th, 1957 - Homosexuality should not be a crime, Wolfenden report says.
From December 17th, 1969 - End of capital punishment - the right decision for society.

There are more - the end of slavery in the colonies, the introduction of voting at 21 for women, the Easter uprising in Dublin and even an the obituary for Karl Marx. All in all, very good reading.

Of course, all this is just the Guardian's way of pimping the fact that they've got a new online archive, but when the content of the pimping's as good as this - I don't really mind getting pimped.

The news is that there is no news

Or something like that!

FEMA are the American government agency in charge of emergency relief. As you can imagine, since Katrina happened they've been viewed as a bunch of incompetent idiots appointed through nepotism rather than qualification.

They're now involved in the effort to stop California turning into the largest barbeque in the world, and yesterday they held a press conference. Or did they? What in fact happened is that they gave the world's press 15 minute's notice (thereby guarenteeing no-one'd make it) and used their own staff to masquerade as press and ask questions. There are more details on the Washington Post's website.


Man, I can't help but laugh at this one.

The most expensive photocopy ever

Is being sold by the vatican for 4000 quid! Admittedly, it'd be pretty awesome to have a copy of the order for the knights templar to disband, but I can't help but wonder if it really is 4000 quid of awesome.

Here's the thing that bugs me though - the vatican library has loads of this stuff. Ancient manscripts, edicts from the papacy to monarches, letters from Henry VIIIs letters to Anne Boleyn while he was shagging her on the side. All of which they have no plans to release into the public domain. So they have all this stuff that they have the ability to reproduce and they either don't release it, or they release it in a limited edition at a stupidly high price.

Nice to know that the catholic church have the benefit of humanity at heart isn't it.

Copshock!

Can you believe I nearly missed this!

So here we have video footage of North Wales’ chief constable Richard Brunstrom being tasered.

I must confess that I am reasonably impressed that he was willing to be shocked as a public relations exercise, after all it’s not exactly a pleasant experience, and it’s one that he didn’t have to do. But this does raise an interesting question - Brunstrom has recently called for the current ratings system on drugs to be scrapped and for class A drugs to be legalised. Does this mean that he’s going to be uploading a clip onto youtube of him taking a big hit off a crack pipe? Will he go that bit further and also have a clip of him sucking cock for heroin?

The North Wales Police Blog just got a lot more interesting…

Gordon's Alive!?!!

This isn't even a faked image.

This is from Saatchi, one of the best known and highest charging advertising companies in the UK.

I have to admit that I like it. I mean if Gordon does decide to call an early general election I get to make endless jokes about the lib dem leader's mercy quotient (here is where others would explain that joke to you - I'm not though. If you don't get why that's funny you can look it up on the internet).

I can't help but wonder if this was a bit of a case of friday afternoonitus interferring with an advertising exec's work. So if we continue this train of thought, what other advertising slogans did they come up with at the same time...

"Buy Levis - because you shouldn't walk around with your cock out"

Advertising - yet another career I could have gone into if I'd realised how stupidly easy it was.