Belarus fearful of Polish...poles

I come across the strangest information sometimes...

Polish customs officers on the border with Belarus have reported several cases of drivers being denied entry unless they carried a condom in the emergency first-aid kit.

The story on poland.pl doesn't tell you much else, apart from the fact that Polish drivers also must have condoms to enter Kaliningrad (which sounds like a made up place). It seems to me that those Polish driver have some explaining to do. Are they the 21st century equivalent of vikings? Marauding their way across Eastern Europe and the Balkans with their cocks out?

Why I don't love Lost.

For those of you who live in a world without television, a series called LOST came to the UK a little while ago. The (basic) premise is that it's about a bunch of people who survive a plane crash and end up marooned on a desert island. Here's a youtube link with the first couple of minutes of season 1 for you.

As you can tell from that, this isn't exactly what you'd call run of the mill television. This show is clever, engaging and likes to use cliffhangers of a gargantuan size. So really, this is exactly the kind of show that I should love. I should be harping on about this in much the same way as I have about Battlestar Galactica & Heroes but I'm not - so what happened?

I'll admit that when Lost first arrived on the telly, I was in love. It was snappy, peppy and gave me a warm tingly feeling in my bowels. I used to get together with my housemates, put my feet up and enjoy the show, then laugh at Hilary when she would scream in annoyance at the inevitable cliffhanger at the end of the hour. I really did enjoy the first season, and I was looking forward to the second season (though the fact that nothing was ever resolved was starting to grate).

Then season two started. While I was away snowboarding for a month. I missed the first three episodes of season two, so when I tried to watch the series I was screwed. I didn't know what was going on, who some of the people were and why they weren't following directly on from season one. I felt like I'd come home and found my girlfriend in bed with the milkman - and in a completely rational decision, said fuck it and stopped watching Lost.

Which is probably a shame as I have no idea if the dog is still alive, if Merry the hobbit is still smoking heroin, and if Kate has had a hot threeway with Jack & Sawyer.

So there you go - I loved Lost, but it cheated on me and I threw it out like the evil whore that it was.

Scary Geeks : Doctor Who fans

Ahh Doctor Who. That classic televisual treat from when I was growing up. I have fond memories of being scared out of my fucking wits by the Cybermen & Davros, of finding Tom Baker to be a creepy motherfucker (especially when he was fighting vampires with spaceships!). For those with a short attention span, then yes - there's also a modern version with special effects, sonic screwdrivers and daleks every other episode.

All this is well and good, and I quite enjoy the new series but that's not what this is about - this is about how scary Doctor Who fans can be.

But all these pale compared to the work that this ardent fan has put in. For those of you who are wondering, if you find yourself stuck in a TARDIS and needing to enter some co-ordinates to get home, or to escape Daleks, or if you just want to go and kick Hitler in the balls - here's the format - (space-type-code, time-type-code, space-origiin, reference-point-1, reference-point-2, F (motion vector), unit-code, x, y, z, t, t1 (timestamp)).

Aren't you glad that you know that.

Batman Returns 2 : Bat Harder!

Or something like that. Information about the sequel to Batman Begins has started to leak out. I liked Begins, and found it a refreshing change from the travesty of cinema that was Joel Schumacher's attempts at the Bat-franchise.

I do remember reading an interview once where Schumacer's name came up, and the reason why he keeps getting films to make was explained - he makes his films cheaply, and always finishes on time. That's right - quality isn't important, it's all about making the film under budget and before deadline. Depressing isn't it.

Anyway - here's a picture of Heath Ledger as the Joker. Enjoy being creeped the fuck out.

Blair talks about civil liberty

In the Sunday Times this week, our outgoing leader had his own little column. Judging by what he came up with, I think he's been doing some bonding with his alcoholic son over a crate of tequila.

I have no idea how a man who campaigned so hard on justice and rights of the people can come up with stuff like this (and it's not like it's an isolated incident) and keep a straight face.

So yeah, the short version of this entry is that Blair doesn't think that civil liberties should be protected in the quest for greater security. Boy oh boy - now that we know we're not voting for him, he's coming up with all kinds of wacky shit.

Next week he'll be appearing on celebrity tramp punching with his university cricket bat and a set of brass knuckles.

Reality TV - I used to hate now I love it.

This won't be a popular admission, but today's shaping up that way for me so I'm going to keep going in spite of you.

I don't like Big Brother. I don't like X Factor or American Idol or Celebrities in the Jungle or The Alan Sugar shouting half hour. I don't like any of it. It's purile entertainment that has helped in the creation of the entitlement society that we live in today.

Why has it now become the case that anyone with half a cup of self belief and a parent without the good sense to point out that they're shit thinks that they can become a teen pop starlet? Because thanks to shitty reality television, people think they're entitled to something if they want it.

Here's the kicker folks - if you're working in Greggs, it's probably for a fucking good reason.

Now, after all that - I think I've found some reality television that I might enjoy. For a while, I'd thought that Bad Girls Club might sneak ahead of my previous favourite - Space Cadets but it's flagged quite badly just two episodes into the series so I've had to look elsewhere for my hope. So what is this show that I'm harping on about? It's BIG DONOR. The producers of Big Brother have found some people in need of a new kidney who are willing to compete for it on television.

From what I've been able to find out, the show will be in a kind of Krypton Factor format, with competitors being tested on their ability to put together 3 dimensional geometric shapes, remember bits from a clip, fly an aeroplane and compete in an assault course to prove who deserves that kidney. There are also rumours that the final two competitors will be put into a pit in knee deep water with the kidney in a fridge in the middle and will have to battle it out with knives to see who gets the transplant.

See - now this sounds awesome. Do you want to be on TV that fucking bad? I suggest that you commit suicide by trying to stop a train at a level crossing while wearing a superman suit and screaming 'More powerful than a locomotive!' Trust me - people will be talking about you for years.

It's a giant pig!

Yep. There's not much else to say about this photo. It's a giant pig!

Jamison Stone - the 11 year old boy who killed the pig said "I probably won't ever kill anything else that big."

His proud father has the right idea though, he's created a shitty website dedicated to his son and the really big pig.

Here's my thing though - this kid has a .50 caliber pistol. Someone thought that it was a good idea to give an 11 year old a .50 caliber pistol. I remember when I was 11. I was an idiot! I was impulsive, stupid and didn't consider ramifications before I acted. Is it really a good idea to give serious firepower to children?

Interestingly, I'm yet to find one giant pig who's in favour of letting kids have guns.

Happy 30th birthday!

To Star Wars.

I really struggled as to whether or not to mention this, but in the end I caved.

Though I am with Simon Pegg when it comes to the prequels.

Obscure national holiday #26

I know that you've all been eagerly waiting for the next installment of 'Obscure national holidays' so it gives me great pleasure to announce that tomorrow will be - Towel Day!

This is a tribute to the late, great Douglas Adams (the author of hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy). Now, I loved the H2G2 books as much as anyone, but in all honesty I find the idea of wandering around with a towel all day just a little bit weird.

But then, I tend to find quite a lot of comic geek behaviour rather creepy if I'm honest.

I for one welcome our new ape overlords

I am happy to report that our glorious ape masters have once more struck a blow for the freedom of brother apes everywhere. This time though, there's VIDEO!

P.S. I love monkeys too.

McDonalds - not just an evil corporate giant...

...but they're also completely out of touch with reality.

I had heard about this piece of news a while back and dismissed it as a fucking stupid idea but apparently the PR bods at MaccyDees disagree with me.

For those of you too slack to read the beeb's coverage - this is McDonald's attempt to get the Oxford English Dictionary to change the definition of a McJob. The definition is currently -

Mc·Job –noun: an unstimulating, low-wage job with few benefits, esp. in a service industry.

Now, thanks to changethedefinition.com, McDonalds are hoping to get enough signatures to force the OED to change it around. I sincerely hope that this is as much of a PR disaster for them as the McLibel case was.

If you would like to complain about the idea that McDonalds is using corporate influence against a British institution, then I would direct you to email David Fairhurst, senior vice president of the company and ask him to keep his hands off the English language.

You might also want to get in touch with Clive Betts MP and express your distaste for this piece of arse kissing.

Supergnar Shredalism

Whatever.

So as winter approaches (what? It's right after summer isn't it?) the snowboard industry has started shaking it's tail feather in my direction trying to tempt me with it's sweet sweet candy. Mostly it's stuff like new kit that's available, and as nice as some of it is, it ain't really blogable.

However, Mack Dawg have released the trailer for their new movie 'Picture This'. For those of you who need this explained, snowboard movies are released every year, and feature a bunch of riders being supergnarly and doing megawootangtrickery. The Mack Dawg crew are some of the best in the world, and their films tend to be pretty awesome.

For the AV nerds out there, I'm sure you'll be happy to know it's also being released in HD DVD. For those of you who have a life and don't spend 45 minutes at a dinner party telling people about the active speaker sound funnel that puts out 1.21 gigawatts that you have - it's being released in normal DVD as well.

Oh those wacky wacky Swiss

The Swiss. A nation famous for cuckoo clocks, chocolate and knives with hacksaws on 'em.

Well, I think there's something else that the Swiss should be famous for. Cow wars!

Now before some animal lover starts crying at the inhumanity of this, I will tell you that the cow's horns are all blunted, and the animals aren't forced to fight (apparently some contests are decided by the first cow to wander away disinterested being named loser).

So there you are. The Swiss. A nation so boring, that when asked to invent a bloodsport they came up with cattle battle. Tune in next week to hear all about Camel Wrestling.

There was no chance I wasn't going to comment on this...

For those who are interested, Rotterdam zoo have a new King Kong attraction.

I have nothing really to say, I just thought I'd let you know about it. Truth be told, I've found the photos from the zoo rather disapointing thus far. I'll let you know if some good ones turn up.

UPDATE! - here's a photo of the ape in question.

Hello True Believers...

I just noticed that despite meaning to have done this for about a month, I haven't actually posted anything up here about 'Heroes' yet (this is now going to delay my Spiderman 3 comments yet further, but I'm sure you can cope with that).

Now, this is a show on the Scifi channel about...

...Heroes (what a shocker!)

More specifically, it's about a genesis point for superheroes. As Picard is so fond of saying in those damn x-men movies "An evolutionary leap". So it deals with normal human beings becoming aware that they aren't quite so ordinary after all.

Now, I remember watching the first episode of this show and not really caring. It wasn't like there was some awesome light and I suddenly fell in love with the show in the way that there was when I saw the first episode of Lost (something else I keep meaning to post about on here).

So for a few weeks I went about my life not really caring about Heroes. Watching the adverts for the show but not really giving a crap. Then one day I come home and it's on, and my housemates won't let me turn it over, so I sit down and watch it. Holy guacamole! It appears that the writers for Heroes decided to try something new with their show - make the first episode crap, then make the rest of them awesome.

You may think I'm exaggerating, but it's the truth - the first episode of heroes was uninspiring, but as the series goes on it gets more and more mega. So now we're nearing the end of the first series, and it's supermega. So you should be watching it, or at the very least feeling bad for not watching it.

Like a trip back in time

Last week was my friend Gabe's birthday (see that you lanky fuck, that's what a blog link looks like!). When given a range of choices as to what to do, Gabe decided he wanted to go to Oakwood. For those of you who don't know, oakwook is an amusement park in West Wales.

Now, I had been to Oakwood before but this was years before I started shaving and in all honesty, the place was a bit light on amusement back then. It had a rollercoaster, a pirate ship and a crazy waterslide thing. Porthcawl was more fun, and had the added excitement of possible death, so I never really understood the appeal.

So skip forward to last week, and Gabe's all excited about the place, and as we head over there it transpires that the management at Oakwood had at some point read my mind and implemented an upgrade plan that included not only a lot more rides, but also, a lot more death. Good for them!

So there you go, we got there and it was a drizzly grey day. Which meant that the park was as deserted as the set to 28 days later. So we had a day of no queuing, and lots of rollercoasting.

Happy birthday Gabe.

The scheme is a most magnificent one

Seeing as it's been a while since I've recommended a website to this blog, I think that's how I'll start today. The Darwin Correspondance Project is an attempt to publish in book form all the letters that Charles Darwin wrote during his life.

Darwin is noted as a enthusiastic letter writer, and over 2000 letters are known about. Whilst a good proportion were to other notable characters of the time this wasn't exclusively the case, and a great many of those he corresponded with left no mark on history apart from their conversations with Darwin.

Anyway, they've recently stuck a load of these letters on their website and you can have a look at them there.

Here's what he said about the Beagle trip to an old friend from Cambridge - "The scheme is a most magnificent one. We spend about 2 years in S America, the rest of time larking round the world" So there you go - proof that Darwin was the original gap year traveller.

Red Smarties are made from beetles.

I know that it sounds like something that you're told in a school playground, but this one is actually true!

For those who can't be bothered to click the link, what you basically find out is that the red colouring used by Smarties is processed from the dried body of the female cochineal insect. Now, I've been eating Smarties for years, and no-one ever told me this! Admittedly, in what's probably described (now I know about this beetle shit) as too little too late, I stopped eating Smarties when they stopped making them in tubes.

Elsewhere in the article, they say that Guiness is made of fish bladders. Fuck it, I don't drink Guiness so I don't care. I'm more worried about the news that I've been eating fucking beetles!

The weather hates me a lot

You can usually tell when I have a week off work, as the posts on this blog stop. Which means that last week, I was indeed off. No work, no plans, no worries.

I was thinking about getting some skating done, spending some time in the sunshine and maybe even going mountainboarding. So what did the weather do? Fuck with me, that's what. The week I was working nights? It was sunny weather. It was summer. What happened as soon as I was free from the shackles of nocturnal work? IT RAINED. I'm sure Moses didn't see this much damn rain.

Today, I am back behind the desk in my office. What's the weather doing? The sunshine's back again. See - clear and concise proof that the weather hates me.

Electionfest, part That's all folks!

So it's all done. Seven hours of political commentary, and we're finished. So, what have we learnt?

That the Welsh Assembly is a giant cocktease. After all the discussion about Plaid Cymru and Conservative gains, it's all been a bit disapointing in truth. It's often like this for me, I get all excited about the mechanics, but once it's all done I'm drained and want a bit of a snooze. Rather like sex then.

I have learnt something else. Jeremy Vine is a tosser, and isn't one tenth of the man that Peter Snow is. I hope to god that he returns when the next general election rolls around.

Lastly, an update on Swindon's E-vote nightmare - it's still not working properly. Try not to laugh too much at anyone you know from Swindon.

Electionfest, part almost finished

Well the beeb have their projection out for what the assembly's going to look like. Well I hate to say it, but this hasn't been quite the huge swing that some people had been predicting. Labour are going to be the largest party in the assembly, but don't have an overall majority.

For Labour, I think it can all be summed up as "Bad, but not a disaster". Rhodri's bones are probably going to tell him that he doesn't need to quit, and it'll be another case of powersharing in the assembly.

For those Nazis out there reading this - well it looks like you're not going to get any seats in the assembly. Well, isn't that a terrible shame. Don't forget to blame it on the "quasi-Marxist multi-racial experiment".

Electionfest, part bollocks

So the results are in for the place where I live. After an 8.2% swing from Labour to Conservative, I now am in the gloriously happy position of living in a tory constituency.

Arse.

Between this and the local council removing the skatepark after complaints, then I'm starting to think that the people of Cardiff North are a bunch of fuckwits.

Electionfest, part shit loads

Well, it's into the final stretch of the beeb's coverage of the election and we're now on commentary team number 4 for the election show, with a couple of campaign bods for Libdems & the Conservatives though the Labour rep is the Labour Chairman Hazel Blears (I'm surprised that she's out for this one - perhaps Labour wanted a strong personality to fight back if they were getting beaten up in the polls?).

In terms of voting, 29 of the 60 seats in the assembly are decided. Considering this was supposed to be a disasterous night for Labour, then it's certainly not living up to the hype. Labour have so far lost a massive 2 seats. Wowzers.

Even on the national scale, it does appear that this is a bit of a disapointment. The SNP are ahead in Scotland, but only just and it certainly doesn't appear that they're barnstorming ahead as was predicted. The Conservatives have made around a one percent gain in the popular vote, but so have Labour.

This is a little bit like staying up late to watch a big title boxing match, and then getting a knockout in the first round.

Electionfest, part confused

So the leader of the SNP is complaining that voting in the Scottish elections was confusing because there were 3 different ballots involved (perhaps this explains the ninja attack).

Now, I'd be tempted to say that this is a huge load of bullshit, and just leave it at that, but to give you an example -

The majority for Labour in Airdrie was 1446.
The number of rejected ballot papers was 1536.

So there we have it, the Scottish ballot papers are very confusing. The problem is compounded by the fact that it's looking like the Scottish elections are going to be very close overall, so the number of spoilt papers are really important. Of course, it could just be because the Scottish voters are all drunk.

I also want to mention that 5 minutes after I bitched about Wales not having any results yet, the first results started to come through. 15 of 60 seats are now declared, Labour are down 1, which was lost to an independant. Not quite the swing that some would have expected.
Rhodri Morgan still won't say what will be a 'bad night' in terms of numbers (if Labour have a bad night, he's said he'll quit).

Electionfest, part Ninja attack!

This story from the Beeb caught my eye.

I realise that I'm seriously geeking out about this election and the stuff that's going on, but let's be honest here - at least I'm not taking it quite that seriously.

If you're wondering why I'm commenting on a Scottish election story - it's because no Welsh seats have announced yet. There's a pretty obvious joke that the Welsh are naturally bad at counting, but let's be honest - the Scottish are fucking drunk and they can manage this counting lark. How thick can we possibly be??

Electionfest, part posh as fuck

Iain Duncan Smith's been on the beeb prattling on about how the conservatives are moving toward being a party for the people.

In what can only be described as a masterstroke of direction, we then cut to a Conservative candidate in Bath called Fabian. Yeah, he's not a posh fucker now is he?

Also, for those who are interested in the Swindon technovote palaver, we've just been told that their computers have crashed. Apparently every single E-vote is being manually recounted.

I'm trying not to piss myself about that one.

Electionfest, part lost deposit.

David Dimbleby has just made an aside on how it's starting to seem as if the Lib Dems aren't doing very well (it is starting to look that way), and the Libdem representative chirped up (rather meekly) "It's still early".

Also interesting to note that according to a man who looks like George Galloway at 85, the conservative candidate in one of the wards in Sedgefield (that's Blair's constituency) got a grand total of no votes. Ouch.

I also want to say that I'd much rather have Peter Snow and his swingometer than Jeremy Vine and his crappy building renovation graphics.

Electionfest, part tree

Here's a quick one for you. The Beeb have just said that results for Swindon, which are being counted by a new technologically advanced system have been delayed because of technical difficulties. Yes, that is the sound of me laughing my arse off.

Also worth noting that the BNP have been wiped out in Broxbourne. Yeah, I'm still laughing, just now a little bit harder.

Electionfest, part die!

Which is Welsh for two!

Seeing as I take so much information from the Beeb, it seems somehow appropriate that I also take their approach to even handness on board. So after I've been so mean to the nazi party, let's be mean to someone else.

The Christian People's Alliance.

I could comment on the fact that they've been accused of being anti-gay, but I feel that there's no real need to do that. Instead I'm going to mention one of their principles..

"Respect of God's law as the basis for constitutional government."

Well there's no red flags there now are there? At this point I will direct you to read this letter. So yeah, God's law as a basis for governance couldn't cause any problems could it?

I'm going to enjoy seeing the CPA campaign for the banning of rugby in Wales.

Electionfest 2007!

That's right, it's that wonderful time of the year when democracy goes into action.

For those who don't know, today has been election day for the Welsh Assembly. For those of you who don't know what the Welsh Assembly is, it's a secondary legislature dedicated to Wales. This means that for the assembly has the ability to edit laws passed to it by Westminster (there are limits). A couple of quick real life examples of this power in action for you - In Wales smoking is already banned in all public places, and NHS prescriptions are free.

Now, onto the fun bit. I love voting, I know how important it is, and it boggles my mind that in an age when so many people rail against oppresive regimes elsewhere they consider not excersing their right to participate in democracy by voting.

For some reason though, there are some people out there trying to get elected who really do seem a few sandwiches short of a picnic. As an example, the BNP have put forth candidates for the Assembly this year. This means that I had the distinct pleasure of receiving a campaign leaflet from everyone's favourite fascists.

One of the most amusing parts is that they claim that all the main parties have signed a "Politically correct Pledge Card produced by various taxpayer-funded 'bleeding hearts' groups." So that's not a loaded statement at all.

What they're referring to is Keepawelcome.co.uk, an initiative to help the 0.1% of the Welsh population who are immigrants to get themselves above the poverty line (the vast majority of immigrants to Wales are currently below this line).

Keep A Welcome have come up with 4 pledges. This is directly copied from their website...
1. Welcome people seeking safety from persecution
2. Empower refugees to rebuild their lives
3. Provide fair and equal access to services
4. Protect children and young people
5. Develop a strong evidence base

And here is what the BNP say the pledges are (the smartarse comments in brackets are mine)...
1. Help even more foreigners flood Wales (0.1% is not a flood! If you had a 10 metre deep swimming pool, adding 0.1% is one centimetre extra. NOT A BLOODY FLOOD!)
2. Put asylum seekers before Welsh voters and their families (well that's a bit of a lie isn't it)
3. Keep using taxpayers' money to fund Politically Correct multiculturalism (hang on - number 3's about service access isn't?)
4. Encourage more cheap foreign labour into Wales to drive down wages (well, I suppose that children are traditionally paid less. Are we giving them hardhats and high-vis jackets?)
5. Plot to deny you a democratic choice on their sceme to 'multi-culturalise' Wales (Plot & scheme? The BNP seem to want us to believe that those in favour of multiculturalism are supervillains with fu-manchu beards to stroke while they connive to conquer the world).

So there you are - a quick look at one of the parties standing in today's Welsh assembly elections. To summarise for you all - The BNP - a gang of facist liars who will make anything up to be elected.

Sponsorship and Advertising - a blank cheque?

This is an interesting one for for me.

Ásgeir Leifur Höskuldsson, who is the director of the Icelandic Snowboard Association has written an open letter to the publishers of Snowboarder magazine complaining that they are currently running a series of advertisments on their website for the US Army.

Now I know full well from running a young extreme sport how important securing revenue is, but when I look at this issue, I find myself falling on the side of Mr Höskuldsson. It could be that I'm a bleeding heart liberal and a dirty socialist, but for me I feel that any young sport such as snowboarding or mountainboarding has to recognise that it has a huge 'cool factor' with younger people out there, and it's important to bear this in mind.

What's made this even more relevant for me is that this year's OTG Team challenge is being co-sponsored by the Army. Now this is just my personal opinion, but I don't feel that the organisers have done the right thing by accepting this cash.

I suppose it's easy for me to say this as I was never put in the position to refuse the cash from a sponsor that I found morally incompatible, but I like to think that I would have stood up for what I believed in and turned the cash down. Anyway, have a read of Mr Höskuldsson's letter. It's an eloquently made point, and I rather like what he's saying.

An important day approacheth

I know approacheth isn't a real world, but then at least I'm not saying things like "y r u bovring m3?"

So quit your damnable moaning.

Now, here's where I get to the point. Saturday the 5th of May is a very important occasion for comicbook readers the world over. Why? Well because it's FREE COMIC DAY. Now, unlike high five day, this is a real thing folks. Comicbook companies produce special editions specifically for this day, and participating stores give these books away.

So there you go - free stuff will be available on saturday - all you have to do is go to a comicbook store.

Weekend roundup-a-rama

And I'm back on nightshifts again.

So I've been looking back at what I 've been writing over the past couple of weeks and it does kind of seem as if I'm becoming some kind of news story opinionator, and I'm not sure why that's the case.

It could be because it's an easy source of material, it could be because I feel I should be updating this thing as often as possible, but I think I'm going to go for option number 3 - I'm bored as anything.

Though I am going to try and be less of a reactive sod. So I suppose the roundup from the weekend that's gone is that I didn't read the news pages.

Though I did notice that yesterday (1st) was National Loyalty Day in the US. Yes folks, only America would have a holiday dedicated to blind obedience. It's an obvious joke, but it fits quite smoothly with the obscure celebratory days theme that I touched on previously.