I have been slack as all hell

I should have been much more motivated updating this blog, and I'm sorry.

I have been distracted by the news that Warner Brothers in their infinite wisdom have decided to make a sequel to Lost Boys. Welcome back Edgar Frog!

Best line in the trailer has to be 'Your sister's a suck monkey'

Good morning Norway

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, but I've been away snowboarding (more on that later).

I'd just like to take this opportunity to say good morning to the people of Longyearbyen in the Spitsbergen region of Norway. Longyearbyen is the most northerly town in the world, and today is their first day of sunshine since October.

I'll leave the last words to local resident Mary Ann Dahle - "It feels good when the light starts to come back, the darkness can be very depressing."

I want to see....your Sledgehammer

That's right, no pun is too stupid for me to consider it.

So what we have here is a bit of a fluff piece about an organisation that Peter Gabriel is involved with. I have to say, I think he's done a better job of being a decent human being than his Genesis colleague Phil Collins.

Oh, and I'm really not posting this because it's a link to people getting beaten up...but hey, if that's what you want then I guess I can always pander to the masses.

Warren Ellis gives you free herpes

Well, actually he gives you a brand new free webcomic. But seeing as he lives in Southend, herpes is pretty likely as well.

The pimpiest pimp in pimp town

Now I know why 50 cent is called 50 cent - because he's bargain fucking basement when it comes to being a PIMP. He doesn't even live in the pound shop of pimps, because he's not good enough. To your right, I present you with a photograph of the King Pimp....

...That's right folks, it's chairman Mao!

Chairman Mao, more famous for starting a people's revolution, being a her indoors character in that film with Peter O'Toole and the chinese kid who keeps sucking on tits and settling that long standing arguement; which wins between a convoy tanks or a bunch of starving students desperate for political reform (it was tanks by the way). Well in addition to these feats - he was also a pimp.

Back in 1973, at a trade conference with the US, Chairman Mao tried to talk the US into taking 10 million women off his hands. Apparently, the exact phrase he said was 'These wimmen is driving me crazy yo, take them offa my hands so I can go chill and drink gin with my homies'.

From secret recordings made at the Whitehouse at around that time, it seems that Nixon was deadset against the idea, reasoning that the women could all be crooks. Strange how life worked out there innit.

Of course, seeing as I am both single and a humanitarian, I have written to the Chinese embassy and said that while I can't take 10 million, I can at least take 5 or so off their hands. So long as they're small and easily stackable.

And you thought I was grumpy...

I'm not a patch on this lady.

I have noted with interest that she doesn't say how she's going to top herself. I think she's missing a trick with this one - she can get teh internet to choose how she dies. It'll be grand.

Personally, I think she should try and commit suicide by drowning herself in a vat of treacle. Then we can harden the treacle into an amber like substance, and one day - when emo bullshit has died out, genetic scientists can use her DNA to artificially create emo bullshit.

We could even make a film out of it - call it Tragic Park.

P.S. - I'm not the only person mocking this girl, though this guy's probably funnier than I am at doing it.

A perfect valentine gift -

Ideal for the evangelical hottie in your life - it's the 'Looking Good for Jesus Lip Balm'

Your very own heresy in a tube folks. Handily it protects you up to SPF18. Unfortunately, to save you from the fires of hell you need SPF4 million.

If this stokes your interest - have a look at the full range.