And the quality of tv shoots up

Thanks to big brother ending. I don't think I've ever enjoyed that damn show.

Just to make sure that this isn't an entirely negative post though, I saw this advert on telly last night, and I think it's the best chocolate advert I've ever seen.

Robots in disguise

Well it really shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that I've seen this film, after all - it's Transformers.

There are so many flaws with this film that I could mention - there's the cheesy way that Bumblebee can't speak, there's the naff way that Jazz's death seems to have no effect on anyone, there's the dumbassery of John Turturro's governmental agent...there's an awful lot wrong with this film.

I don't care. It's fucking Transformers for crying out loud. I enjoyed it, and it was wonderfully fun robot carnage.

If I'm honest however, I would have been just as happy with 2 hours of original Optimus Prime & Megatron beating the shit out of each other.

My degree is in colouring in

Alright, now I'm happy to admit that the degree that I did wasn't exactly the most useful degree to gaining employment in the professional world. But I'm starting to get the feeling that some universities are really starting to push the envelope when it comes to creating degrees that are both pointless & bizarre.

The Taxpayers Alliance are bitching about these degrees and are complaining that there are degrees out there that are crap as all hell. Here's their top five -

1. Outdoor adventure with philosophy, at Marjon, the College of St Mark and St John in Plymouth
2. Science: fiction and culture, at the University of Glamorgan
3. Equestrian psychology, at the Welsh College of Horticulture in Mold, Flintshire
4. Fashion buying, at Manchester Metropolitan University
5. Golf management, at UHI Millennium Institute, based in Inverness.

I'm a bit nervous that 2 of the top 5 are in Welsh universities, but I have to admit that I am quite tempted by Outdoor adventure with Philosopy. I suppose I could try for the open university equivalent, so I'm going to take a copy of Plato's republic with me next time I go snowboarding.

Getting over the hump

Naming this post was tricky. It could have been...

The camel who wanted more hump?
He got his hump on?
Humphrey the camel?

Or I could have just gone with the descriptive option - Woman fucked to death by a camel.

It's a strange world out there folks.

It's science jim, but not as we know it

Here's one for you - an American court has ordered that six people get paid a million dollars a piece by the state of Iowa. Now, normally I wouldn't mention this as it's a civil court case, it's American (and let's face it - the average American sues more often than most normal people blink) but this case is a bit special.

Back in 1939, these people were in the care of the state and became part of a scientific study by Dr Wendell Johnson. This study was to determine if being shouted at would make kids more likely to develop a speech impediment. So this meant that this kids were berated at every opportunity for six months.

I'll repeat this - to see if treating kids like shit fucked them up, they treated kids like shit. Unsurprisingly, the kids became fucked up. But they didn't stutter. Sheesh. So for all those budding scientists out here - I will provide you with conclusions to the following so that you don't have to perform the studies.

If you kick someone in the balls, it hurts.
If you staple someone's eyes shut, they can't see.
If you glue someone's feet to the floor, they can't move.

I'm all for the advancement of science, but I don't think that researching the bloody obvious is what I'd call legitimate science. Also, the kid who's feet I glued to the floor cried really loud.

Catholaschism wow!

A little bit of religorage for you here folks.

Amnesty International have caused a furor amongst Christian aid groups by ending years of ducking questions about what they think about Abortions. They've come out and said that in cases of rape or incest - they're in favour of allowing women to have abortions.

The Roman Catholic Church doesn't like this statement, and have threatened to withdraw their support for the organisation. Yes, that's right - another instance of the Roman Catholic Church being fucking crazy. I mean, even if you were to ignore the church's recent history of abusing children it seems somewhat out there to me for anyone to be telling a woman who's been raped that she has to keep the byproduct of this brutal attack, and live with it every day of her life. Surely that's just bound to create a psychotic mother and a scarred child? How is that good for anyone?

But I guess this leads neatly into the whole abortion debate. Now for those of you who are unfamiliar with the way abortion is treated in the UK, I'll tell you this - it isn't an issue. Unlike America or Ireland or any number of countries you'd care to mention who are for the most part sensible but go a little loopy whenever a bit of womb tampering is mentioned - the UK doesn't care. Abortion is legal, and that's that. No landmark law cases, no politicians using banning abortion as a part of their political campaign.

So I guess at this point I should say that I'm pro-abortion. Not pro-choice - pro-abortion. I love abortion! I just can't get enough. I phone up abortion doctors and encourage them to work longer hours; I hand out condoms with holes in 'em at high schools. Hell, I even go to pre-natal clinics with banners and leaflets about how children ruin your fucking life. In terms of the law - I think we've got it wrong, we shouldn't look at restricting abortions, we should encourage them - women should get a free pair of trainers and a bottle of wine with every abortion done.

Alright, so I don't really - but let's face it - it's as rational a response as expecting a woman who was raped to give birth to the progeny of that rape.

Yes, I know I'm going to hell. Join me there.

A toy from my past has a birthday...

It is 75 years since Danish carpenter Ole Kirk Christiansen founded the toy firm Lego. For those of you who enjoy toy trivia, the name for Lego comes from the Danish words "Leg Godt" which translates as "Play Well".

I remember Lego being all kinds of awesome, but I have to be honest, I think it's probably more awesome these days. When I was a kid, you certainly couldn't buy Darth Vader Lego! Hell, I remember being impressed as all hell when they brought out spacemen with visors that fucking moved up and down!

A fishy tale...

So a couple of weeks ago, everyone's favourite red-top for boobs and bullshit the Sun ran a story about how Cornwall was facing destruction at the hands of a terrifying great white shark. They included attack stories, the best places to see them, and facts about the great white.

What a surprise that the whole thing has turned out to be a load of balls. For anyone unfamiliar with the British newspaper industry, it goes something like this - if the newspaper has a red logo (Daily Mirror, Daily Star, The Sun) it's full of tits, celebrity gossip and made up 'news'. If it's Got a black logo and needlessly large headlines (Daily Express, Daily Mail) then it's sensationalised phooey, and if it's got a sensible logo and sensible headlines, then it's that rarest of creatures - an actual newspaper.

Hope that helps everyone sort out truth from total fucking bollocks.

Wow - Smallville doesn't suck!

At the moment at least.

Yes, I've watched it from time to time; and for the most part it's a bit naff really. There are some high spots (like when Bart Allen showed up, or when Evil Lex was in the show) but for the most part it's a bit too much 'Beverley Hills Krypto210' for my liking.

But after saying that, at this point in time, it's worth watching. Why? Because Oliver Queen is in it. Ollie is probably my favourite long running DC hero alongside the Flash, and they way he's evolved over the last few years has only made him more awesome.

Now I realise that some of you won't have clue one who Oliver Queen is, so I shall now tell you that he is - The Green Arrow. There's no denying that when the Green Arrow showed up, he was a bit of a batman clone. He had the Arrowplane, Arrowcar & Arrowcave. But he was like Batman with trick arrows! Prime examples would include the Handcuff arrow, the Smokescreen arrow and the classic Boxing Glove arrow.

These days though, Ollie's moved on and he's a lot cooler than Batman. He's not a dark moody sod, he doesn't spend his life cooped up in a dark and soggy cave, and he's capable of having relationships with people that don't come down to "Fuck you, I'm the Batman." If you're genuinely interested, then I'd advise you to pick up a copy of "Quiver" from your friendly neighbourhood comicstore. I like it.

Facebook versus Nazis.

So the problem with social network sites is that anyone can join. So in response to the relevation that their adverts have appeared next to a bunch of nazis, First Direct, Vodafone, Virgin Media, the AA, Halifax and the Prudential have all pulled their adverts from Facebook.

When asked why, they all came up with statements like "We need to protect the integrity of our brand." or "We need to be concious of our mission statement and vision." or even "We have got to make sure that the places we advertise are consistent with our own values and identity."

Which is all horseshit. Here and now, I will translate these statements for you. Handily, they all mean the same. Ready?

"We don't want to be associated with fucking nazis!"

There you go.

In response, a BNP spokesman said "There's nothing wrong with the BNP."

There are just some statements that really are so laden with Irony potential that I just can't choose which joke to make.

In a related story, the Daily Mail have asked facebook if they can sort it out so that their adverts will only appear next to nazis, as it's in keeping with their long & illustrious history.

Eeeeee voting

For those of you are interested in this kind of stuff...

The state of California have released their study into the practicality & security of E-voting. You can find the report in full here. It's a bit lengthy and nerdy, so I'll give you my personal highlight.

The system was designed by a company called Diebold. At one point, the password for the system was 'diebold'. This is amazing. This is the equivalent of having your bike lock set to 1234. Good thing that they're not protecting anything important behind that password.

Thankfully, it seems that our Electoral Commision's got a bit more of a sensible attitude to the whole thing.

Snake defeats bear!!

Here I go again, making a bunch of bad puns while commentating on an obscure news article.

So this I think provides confirmed evidence that being a rock god makes you one of the toughest creatures on the planet.

Apparently someone at Channel 4 has seen this, and is planning to create a series based around this concept. I look forward to seeing Tony Iommi wrestling with a gorilla, Richie Blackwood facing off against a giant anaconda & Robert Plant going toe to toe with a great white shark.

It's going to be awesome!

Oh look - it's August.

Hopefully this won't curse it for everyone, but it looks like summer's finally arrived. I did notice that while I was away in Cornwall getting a bit rained on, some folk (like the whole of Gloucestershire) got rather a lot more water than they'd have liked.

But now that I'm on nightshifts, and have another 3 very busy weeks at work coming up it seems that the weather has chosen this point in time to sort it's shit out (which is all rather typical).

On the up side, it gives me a chance to catch up on email, be sarcastic on the internet and read some stuff. So it ain't all bad.

I also want to take this moment to do some quick catching up on stuff that I've missed by being away and/or lazy as fuck.

1. We have a new PM. So far, he seems to be an improvement over Blair.
2. 2 American news choppers crashed while covering a highspeed pursuit.
3. Foot & Mouth disease is back, and this time it has a machine gun.

I'd also like to thank my good friend Jon for freaking me the fuck out with his talk about the weeverfish. The way he'd described it, I was expecting some evil bastard of a toothy googly eyed predator - not the maritime equivalent of a wasp.