Oh. I'm old.

You're not the real Hell's Satans!!

2008-10-24T05:18:00.002Z

Wow, a whole new case of the FBI getting an idea on how to combat crime from the Simpsons.

The Mongols bike gang are being prosecuted under intellectual property laws. Basically, the FBI are trying to say that the Mongols are illegally copying their logo. Now, it's worth noting that the Mongols are a pretty savage bunch and have a long history of clashing heads (and knives, and baseball bats and skulls) with the Hell's Angels...

I love this idea - it's like trying to arrest a tiger for being all stripey.

Bedevilled By Charlatans & Lunatics

2008-10-22T02:52:00.003Z

What a superb quote. This is from an article on the beeb about a wodge of files on UFO encounters that have been made available through the national archives.

A bunch of these files are available covering UFO encounters from the latter half of the 20th century. You can check it out here, if you're interested in reading about blurry lights in the skies, funny looking men with mister spock ears, a woman from sirius and anal probes.

I was kidding about the anal probes by the way. Oh, and the quote is from Dr David Clarke of Sheffield Hallam University. He's a UFO expert, and has never been anally probed. Probably.

Space Race 2.0 : The takeaway takeover

2008-10-22T02:39:00.003Z

This is the news that India have launched their first unmanned moon probe (the brilliantly titled Chandrayaan 1). So between this, China's first space walk and Azerbijan's wacky space trampoline project - it looks like we've got a bonafide space race kicking off.

Personally, I'm slightly disapointed that we couldn't get Kim Jong Il to start the whole thing with waving a giant flag.

Catching up with me

2008-10-15T07:52:00.002Z

So I've gone through a patch again where I've been not really updating the blog. My home PC is on it's last legs, so I've not really been doing much in the way of internetting. The good news is that I'm in the process of ordering a new home PC, so that should be sorted very soon.

In other news, I am proud to announce that I shall in less than two weeks have outlived Bruce Lee.

For those of you that don't know, Bruce Lee was (while he was alive of course) the hardest man on the face of the Earth. Bruce Lee could punch you so hard that your grandfather's nose would bleed. Bruce Lee could kick you so hard, that your children's skull's would deform from the impact. Bruce Lee was the ultimate kung fu motherfucker. There is no way in the world that I could take Bruce Lee in a fight.

Fortunately, Bruce Lee's corpse retains little of this kung fu badassery. Bruce Lee's zombie corpse is a short spindly little bastard, and I can easily roundhouse kick his head off.

It's the fall that'll kill ya.

2008-09-27T20:34:00.002Z

Arrivederci Paul Newman, you blue eyed badass you.

It's a sad thing when the idols you inherited from your parents start dropping like flies. I mean, John Wayne was dead long before I cared, and John Denver (aside from a rather haunting version of Mr Bojangles) never really made an impact on me; but Paul Newman was the fucking man.

I remember my old man insisting that I watch Butch & Sundance with him. I remember bitching that it was in black and white, and so old I didn't want to watch it, and I remember how great a time I had watching that movie.

Paul Newman was so cool he could even make a film like Slapshot awesome.

Looking for work - one professor, slightly wacky.

2008-09-17T09:44:00.002Z

So, after last week when Doctor Michael Reiss suggested that schools should teach creationism, the Royal Society (who he worked for as Director of Education) have issued a statement...

"Professor Reiss and the Royal Society have agreed that, in the best interests of the Society, he will step down immediately as Director of Education a part time post he held on secondment”.

When run through the WhatTheyReallyMeanOtron, this translates to

"Get that crazy fucker out of here! Creationism in schools? He's gone all mental".

Joe 1 v Evian drinkers 0

2008-09-17T09:28:00.002Z

This is the news that I am in a better state than all those bottled water swigging mooks out there, and all because I drink cups of tea. Yes that's right. Cups of tea. Milk and 2, first thing in the morning. I can think of at least one chalet owner who should be made to read this page after complaining about my tea drinking habits last year!

You have to admit though, flogging bottled water is a pretty good con. After all, two thirds of the damn planet is water. Though it can be taken too far.

Take for example Coca-Cola. Now while I do love to mention how they desperately try to not mention that their orange drink Fanta was invented by the Nazis, I'm almost tempted to say that calling their branded tapwater (no really, it was just tap water) Dasani "bottled spunk" was an even bigger gaff.

What kind of drunk are you?

2008-09-17T09:06:00.002Z

Department of health research has split drinkers into nine groups according to their behaviours...

...though I think I've found a tenth group that they've forgotten - the I LIKE A PINT. IT'S A LOVELY FUCKING DRINK. STOP BEING SUCH A BUNCH OF WHINY COCKS.

Sheesh. I get that there are alcoholics out there, but they're alcoholics, not 'drinkers'. I had a pint last night when I got home from work, I didn't fall asleep in my clothes hammered out of my skull, I didn't end up puking up in an alleyway and I didn't wake up this morning with a hangover. I'm a type ten 'drinker' - someone who is completely able to have a pint without being a dribbling fucking moron about it. Quite plainly, it's a type of person the department of health have never come across.

Twats.

Holy common sense!

2008-09-15T06:53:00.002Z

If you've done any reading of my random twitterings, then you'll know I don't like to pass up the opportunity to call the Catholic church a bunch of homophobic mysogenists with a member of the hitler youth at the head of the table, but today I'm going to do something a bit different. I'm going to say, that the Vatican have pleasantly surprised me today.

This all comes from Professor Michael Reiss of the Royal Society who suggested that maybe we should talk about creationism in schools; apparently in a 'this is what some people who are 100% wrong believe' - I'm not that certain he's right on this one, but the Royal Society have clarified his remarks and he now seems a lot less crazy.

Anyway...where this becomes interesting is that the article references the Vatican's stance on creationism. Admittedly, I'd not really looked into it, and it appears that on this at least, our friends in Rome are remarkably level headed. Now if only they'd sort out their attitude to condoms.

I didn't want to jinx this...

2008-09-10T09:17:00.002Z

But it does appear that the world hasn't been sucked into a black hole. Which is a good thing.

I would also like to tell everyone that I am now able to watch e4 again as Big Brother has finished. I swear, the day Big Brother dies, I will find Davina McCall and dance around her singing "time for you to find a proper job" while waving a flag with "victory for television that isn't morally bankrupt"on it.

You cannot underestimate how much I hate that damn show.

I almost wish this wasn't a sack of crap

2008-08-19T18:30:00.002+01:00

Personally, I'd love to have one of these.

He'd sit lovely on the shelf next to my teddy bear dressed as General Pinochet and my radio controlled Tianemen Square tank with the optional blood soaked fleeing students attachment.

Still, seeing as I've mentioned this, I can also encourage you to buy a wooly penis.

The worst idea an Australian's ever had.

2008-08-19T18:10:00.004+01:00

Here's one for you all...

I am now recommending that you avoid the following film - Russell Crowe in a film about Bill Hicks.

To prevent you from having to read too much of the article, I shall summarise. Russell Crowe (self obsessed Australian brawler with the emotional depth of a sheet of tesco value tinfoil) wants to make a film about Bill Hicks where he stars as Bill Hicks (the film is tentatively titled A Film About Bill Hicks Starring Russell Crowe As Bill Hicks).

This movie is such a bad idea that this morning, Russell was contacted by Hugo Chavez, crazy Venezualan President who wants to create his own time zone and told that the plan was a bit 'out there' and that maybe 'you're fucking crazy Russell!'. The idea is so bad that Zambia's president - Levy Mwanawasa - dropped stone dead when he found out. He was only 59!! When the Russian government found out they decided to invade a small former Soviet state and bomb it to hell and back - that's how pissed off they were about the idea.

There you go. Today's film to avoid - Russell Crowe in A Film About Bill Hicks Starring Russell Crowe As Bill Hicks. I bet that ends up being the fucking title as well. Wankers.

Green Cross Code in China

2008-08-04T00:42:00.003+01:00

So let's have a chat about Fang Zheng. Back in 1989, he lost his legs in a traffic accident. Since then, he's won gold medals in Chinese national competitions. So with the Olympics coming up fast you'd image that Fang would be in training?

Nope.

Unfortunately, due to the nature of Fang's traffic accident, he's been disqualified from the Olympics. Apparently, when a tank runs you over in the middle of Tiananmen Square then you lose the right to compete in the Olympics.

But hey, I'm sure Sharron Davis will say that just because China crushed some poor fella's legs with a tank and then banned him from competing in the Olympics it doesn't mean that British atheletes shouldn't endorse China & their games by competing.

Some of the best damn cops and robbers ever

2008-08-03T06:12:00.003+01:00

It's been a while since I've been binging about anything on TV, so I'd like to take the time to say that you should do everything you can to get hold of and watch The Wire.

It's an American cops and robbers show, but it's not written like 93% of other television shows out there. The Wire is all about the long game. I'm just finishing up watching season three, and they're talking down one of their targets from the first show. Three years of TV, and only now is this guy being taken down.

The whole show is written in that ethos. You could even argue that the format that most shows would use for an episode (cops find villain, cops investigate villain, cops take down villain) is used for an entire season. It's a show that assumes intelligence from it's audience, and that obviously works damn hard to be the grittiest show out there.

It's fucking sweet dude. You've got to watch it.

Greasing the wheels...

2008-08-03T04:25:00.006+01:00

So I know I've been hard on oil companies in the past. I've called them unscrupulous evil fucks, and you know what - perhaps I've been wrong all along.

Exxon have released their profit details for the second quarter of 2008. Now, the cynical among you will bemoan the fact that they're a bunch of price gouging, money grubbing wankers. But if you look at the numbers, they've only made a profit of $1485.55 a second.

Huh?

Yeah that's right. Between April & June, Exxon were making $1485.55 every second. That's a total profit of $11.68 billion in profit. Just to be clear about this, Exxon could have made given away eleven billion dollars, and still made a profit of more than six hundred million dollars.

In three months, they made enough cash that they could give every person on the face of the Earth 2 dollars. Now, maybe it's just me...but a company that's making that much profit (and let's remember, we're not talking about turnover, we're talking about clear profit) should perhaps look at reinvesting their cash...so I shall now endevour to offer them some purchasing options.

1. They could buy NASA. Their annual budget's 16 billion, which means that Exxon could easily have their own space shuttles up and running with less than half a year's profits. Who knows, maybe they'll have some better names for space shuttles than NASA will (they can't do much worse than the UK's space agency, who wanted to name their next venus probe Yappy Dog Three).

2. They can buy Hollywood for the year. According to Forbes, the leading men & women of Hollywood netted 731 million bucks this year. So Exxon could easily afford to buy the biggest ensemble movie ever. They could make a movie of Dallas, with Will Smith as Bobby Ewing and directed by Steven Speilberg.

3. You could play Monopoly for real. Thames Water was recently sold for 7 billion, and I'm pretty sure that with the state of Network Rail, you'd be able to pick up Fenchurch street for about 12 quid. Though building a bunch of identical red hotels may have some problems getting past the planning phase in Kensington.

Or you know...you could give 2 bucks to everyone on the damn planet.

Bunnyhop this motherfucker!

2008-08-01T02:32:00.003+01:00

So since my car went and exploded, I've had to bike into work. No big deal, it's good exercise and it's a nice ride, though at four miles either way it does take half an hour each way.

So, imagine my surprise when I came across this story. I'd come across a few people who didn't like cyclists, but I have to say that I'm glad I don't have to bike into work in New York.

Hello. My name is China and I'm an enormous wanker.

2008-07-29T00:55:00.002+01:00

So let's recap. When the IOC awarded the 2008 Olympics to Beijing, there were some people who said things like "Hang on - this is China we're talking about - are we sure that we want to give them the olympics?"

At which point, the Chinese said "Nah man, it'll be cool. We'll totally stop being a bunch of wankers and be nice to everyone." The IOC, for their part came back and said that they thought that China was cool and completely trustworthy.

Well here we are just one week away from the start of the Olympics and China have been caught supplying Sudan's government with military supplies and training so that they can keep killing people in Darfur.

The pollution in Beijing is currently more than five times the World Health Organisation air quality target. The smog is being tracked on the beeb's site and it's pretty easy to see. It's so bad in fact that many athletes are talking about keeping away from Beijing for as long as possible and wear gas masks while they're there.

Today, Amnesty International have released a report that states that the human rights situation in China has worsened rather than improved in the run up to the games. The report talks about increases in media censorship & forced labour 're-education' and a crackdown on human rights activists.

I'd love to hear what Sharron Davies thought of that. Maybe she thinks it's ok so long as the olympic competitors get to swim in their nice pool and get their nice medals.

I have to say it - but I just don't understand how anyone can look at this situation and think to themselves that it'd be a good idea to go be involved with a tacit approval of China's regime. I know no olympian reads this blog, but isn't it sad that we don't even expect world class competitors to consider pulling out of the three ring circus that is Beijing olympics.

My life is a 1960s screwball comedy and I am Jack Lemmon.

2008-07-25T15:00:00.005+01:00

So my journey into work today went like this...

I start the car and do a three point turn. The car stalls. I'm not too bothered, the engine's cold and I'm not paying much attention so it was probably my fault. I restart the car and start to head off to work. After about a mile it cuts out again; I bump start it into life but it's making some worrying noises so I decide to turn back and bike in. Before I can turn round, the car dies with some big clanking sounds coming from the engine. As luck would have it, it dies at a six lane crossroads. So now I'm stranded at the side of the road about a mile and a half from home and about two and a half miles from work. I can't leave the car and go on as it's on double yellows next to a major junction.

I call the AA for a tow and get told it'll be 45 minutes. That's no problem says I, as it's the end of July and a lovely day. It starts to rain. Mister AA arrives and confirms that the car's as dead as I think it is. I'd been planning to get rid of it so I'm not massively annoyed, and I ask for a tow home so I can get my bike and get into work. The rain is now pissing it down.

I quickly sort my stuff out and start pedalling in. The rain is now heavy enough that I'm dodging puddles because they look deeper than the mariana trench. I'm about 2 miles into my journey (so around half way for those that haven't been paying attention) and notice that my front wheel's a flat. Arse. I struggle through the torrential rain to the nearest garage, scrounge up 50p from the bottom of my rucksack and attempt to use the air compressor to sort out the car.

No such luck! New air compressors are designed so that they can't be used with bike valves to stop anyone accidentally overinflating their tyre and emancipating their spleen in the resultant highly unlikely explosion. Of course, while these new valves won't put any air in your tyre, they do open the valve so that any air you had left is gone by the time you realise what's happening. So now my front tyre is completely flat.

At this point, the very friendly garage attendant tells me that he has a footpump. That I can buy for the bargain price of six pounds. MOTHERFUCKERRRRR. So here I am at work. I now have a fully inflated front tyre and a brand new footpump with me to go with the one that's sat in the boot of my car. Oh, and six hours later, my feet still aren't completely dry.

Crap Films My Housemates Own #4 : Ultraviolet

2008-07-24T17:22:00.003+01:00

Now, let's be clear. I'm not talking about the TV series with that fella who was Miles in This Life and Admiral stiff upper lip in Pirates of the Carribean and was probably the last halfway decent thing ITV made before they became obsessed with the Ant & Dec saturday night fuck you in the eye with premium rate numbers, I'm talking about the movie with that Milla Jollywitch woman. You know, the woman who was in those classic movies like Resident Evil 2 and Joan of Arc. The one with virtually no clothes in the Fifth Element.

So, my review. It's a tricky one this...as I didn't really watch much of the film. You know how far I got into this film before I switch it off? No, neither do I. I was in such a hurry to switch it off I didn't even look to see how far it'd got. I do know that it felt like half my natural life had leaked out of my eyes by the time my hand reached the stop button, but I couldn't put a number to it. Though if I had to make a guess, I go with seventeen minutes.

This film is so bad that I received a letter from my retinas explaining that if I tried to pull that shit again they'd start cutting themselves with razorblades.

The only thing that makes this film less offensive than the third reich is that this movie didn't kill six million jews. Though I suspect that around three million probably died from watching the advance screenings.

If you're planning on watching this film then my advice is to put some time aside beforehand. Take your friend and family to the park, play football, have a lovely picnic and say your goodbyes to the people that you love; watching this film will either kill you or reduce you to the level of a dribbling vegetable with all the responsiveness of Terry Schiavo.

Hot Fuzz

2008-07-23T07:35:00.004+01:00

Well this is a surprise. Apparently a member of the channel tunnel police has been transferred for misuse of powers granted under the terrorism act. Well this is a surprise isn't it.

Apparently, giving the police the power to detain anyone they want without evidence is being abused. What a shocker!

What I find really surprising is this. The detective constable in question has been transferred. Not - fired, suspended, reprimanded, told not to do it again, fined, demoted, or even made to buy cake for the rest of the police station. Transferred. After her wonderful display of racism, no doubt she's been transferred to Cheshire.

Free French Canada!

2008-07-21T08:48:00.002+01:00

This is mainly about the fact that French Canadians are complaining that Paul McCartney is going to be playing at Quebec's 400th birthday party. They're up in arms because Britain was at war with the French and invaded what was then New France (and is now Canada) in 1760.

MORE THAN THREE HUNDRED YEARS AGO.

This isn't the first example of French Canadians being a bit mental. KFC is KFC everywhere, except in Quebec, where it's PFK (Poulet Frit Kentucky). In France, it's KFC. This brings to mind those swarms of Americans who have an uncle who once got punched out of a bar in Cork and so are quite obviously as Irish as anything and walk around dressed all in green on Saint Patrick's day and wax lyrical about the old country.

I find it perplexing that the most Patriotic Europeans appear to be from North America. Zoot Alours!

Pick one. No, not that one. Pick another one!

2008-07-18T17:17:00.003+01:00

Did you ever have a kid come up to you with a pack of cards wanting to do a magic trick? This is how it invariably goes.

"Pick a card"
(you pick a card)
"No, not that one. Pick another one"
(you pick a different card)
"You're not doing it right! Pick another one"
(you pick another different card)

At this point the kid usually either goes apeshit, starts crying or walks off after calling you an old cunt. Sometimes though, if the kids really retarded or has some kind of obsessive compulsive disorder he just won't fucking quit until you get the 'right card' at which point...

"It's the six of clubs!"

...which coincidentally is also the point where I snap, eat the card before he can see what it is and post the child to Thailand with only half a pack of jellybabies and a lonely planet phrase book to survive with. I fucking hate kids.

Anyway - the point is that the whole "pick a card, no that card" is stupid, annoying and is only done by hugely retarded children. So I can't help but wonder why the French president is up to exactly the same game.

Crap films my housemates own #3 : Eragon

2008-07-18T09:43:00.003+01:00

This is a film based on a book. A book so bad, that the only reason it was published is that the writer published it himself. This is like inventing the sport of high speed cock waggling just so that you can be world champion of high speed cock waggling when no-one but you and Norris McWhirter shows up to your high speed cock waggling championship in your back garden. And the film is far worse than the book.

This movie can be summed up like this "Hey, it's fucking star wars! (but with dragons instead of light sabers)". That's right, they've replaced awesome light sabers with dragons. A dragon instead of a light saber? What's the good in that? You can't twirl a dragon around your head making 'whum, whum' noises. You can't use a replica dragon to bash your younger brother into concussion...it's just not a fair trade. Having my light saber traded for a dragon makes me feel a little like a cherokee indian who's had his tribal lands traded for a sack full of beads. In fact, I am slightly surprised that this film didn't cause anyone to run around the cinema with a tomahawk screaming 'where's my light saber mother fuckers' while scalping any palefaces they could find.

Also, there's a castle instead of the death star. So there are no x-wings, no millenium falcon, no planets exploding and no lightsabers. And the dragon that they replace the lightsabers with is a prissy lesbian dragon with a voice like Mary Poppins. It's one of those sensible shoes and short hair lesbians, not the hot and interesting lesbians that appear in so many films that I am a fan of.

If you want to watch this movie, set up two televisions. On one, watch Star Wars. On the other, watch a fat man having a stroke in a pool of lime jelly. You'll have a much better time.

Crap Films My Housemates Own #2 : Rollerball

2008-06-25T10:18:00.003+01:00

Now, before you start thinking to yourself "hang on there skippy, Rollerball was a 70s scifi classic and Sonny Corleone is awesome in it as a rollerskating, ass kicking mafia badass!" I want to make this clear - I don't give a crap what you think.

Also, I'm talking about the 2002 remake. So there motherfuckers!

On the face of it, this shouldn't be a load of big hairy balls. It's directed by John McTiernan who's credits include Die Hard, The Hunt For Red October, The 13th Warrior & The Thomas Crown Affair remake (which I prefer to the Steve McQueen version). It stars the coolest frenchman known to man (Jean Reno) and let's face it, the original was a pretty good movie. But then it starts to all go wrong. It's got LL Cool J in it. It's got Chris Klein in it (one of the guys from the American Pie movies who didn't fuck a pie). It's got a character in it called Aurora (I don't know why, but I don't think I've ever seen a film where a character called Aurora is anything but appallingly acted).

So anyway. This film now appears to be about an ice hockey player who goes to play rollerskating deathmatch in Kazakstan or something. I don't really understand the plot as - well there isn't really one apart from the fact that Jean Reno's supposed to be some sort of gangster badass and quite plainly can't really be bothered to act. Rebecca Romjin Stamos is also in this as a moody Kazak beauty. I unfortunately think someone told her that they wanted her part to be that of a moody Kazak fencepost, as that's about as exciting as her character is.

At the end of the day, this is just bad. The wirework's obvious, the directing is lazy and the plot is so bad that I am considering writing a letter to the CIA implicating the writers in a terrorist plot as their work is so shoddy they probably do deserve to spend five years in Guantanemo Bay. Couple all of this with a cast who quite clearly have realised that they've signed up to a big floating turd of a movie, and you've got Rollerball the remake.

My housemates bought it so you wouldn't have to.

Best and worst covers. Ever.

2008-06-24T08:40:00.003+01:00

So, the gitter uber nerds at Total Guitar magazine have come up with the five best and worst covers ever.

The best don't really have any surprises, but here they are...

5. Feeling Good - Muse
4. The Man Who Sold The World - Nirvana
3. Live And Let Die - Guns N Roses
2. Twist And Shout - The Beatles
1. All Along The Watchtower - Jimi Hendrix

The worst of course, is where all the excitement is...

In at number five is Mike Flowers Pop with his cover of Wonderwall.
Number four is Will Young's own take on Light My Fire by The Doors.
Westlife stand proud at number three for their cover of funk rocker's Extreme's ballad More Than Words.
Girls Aloud are at number two with their cheerful slaughter of the classic Walk This Way (I saw this on telly the other day, and I actually threw up a small Mexican orphan boy I was so appalled).
and at number one?
This.

I fucking hate Celine Dion.

Conservative party in 'bunch of racists' shocker...

2008-06-22T22:22:00.003+01:00

Nice one Boris.

So London's comedy mayor has had his first bit of fun with adviser James McGrath.

James told a journalist "black people who didn't like it here could go back".

Apparently the remarks were taken out of context. Perhaps what he said was along the lines of "If I was a huge fucking racist then I'd say something along the lines of black people who didn't like it here could go back. Good job I'm not a huge fucking racist isn't it. Oh, and Boris Johnson's awesome and totally not a comedy mayor."

Yeah, I don't think that's what happened either.

Just a quick note...

2008-06-21T20:30:00.002+01:00

The BBFC rejected one DVD release this year.

In a year of Saw 2, Saw 3: Extreme edition and Saw 4: More fucking sawing, only one DVD wasn't allowed a certificate.

The box set of Weeds. Apparently, a show about a pot dealer glamourises drug use.

Also, I was lying about there being a film called Saw 4. For now.

Crap Films My Housemates Own #1 : Dragon Wars.

2008-06-21T18:53:00.003+01:00

So in what could quite easily become a regular feature, I'd like to take the some time to talk about a movie one of my housemates recently bought - Dragon Wars.

Now on the face of it, I have to admit that this film should be damn awesome. The cover's got dragons and Apache helicopters on it for fuck's sake. How can this film not be brilliant? So I thought I'd give it a watch.

Well it wasn't good. It was terrible. It started badly with some wise and noble shop keeper prattling on about how there was an ancient prophecy and a chosen one who could save or destroy the world, and a girl with a tattoo who was the key to it all. There was a giant snake, chasing cars and some samurai fuckers with way too much shiny armour (there's something, if you're a big evil sneak about bastard - why's your armour made of bloody chrome?). Well about an hour into this film and not only have I not seen any bloody dragons but I have been subjected to some of the worst acting I've seen.

I'd love to say that there's some redeeming feature of this movie. But there isn't. No boobies, no huge awesome explosions, no crazy kung fu fighting, just a bloody big snake and some twats with samurai swords and armour. This film is appalling and if you're going to watch this movie you should mentally prepare yourself by committing suicide using a bath and an electric toaster while listening to the theme tune from Cheggers Plays Pop on unending repeat. It's an experience that's almost as uncomfortable as watching this film's bad plot and bad acting, and at least it'll give your local community support officer something to do that's more useful than tasering dogs.

So there you go. Dragon Wars. It's a fucking shitty movie with a big snake in it.

Project Space Cock : Step One.

2008-06-20T08:24:00.002+01:00

So I was thinking about the X-Prise this morning.

Now, for those of you who don't know the current big X-Prize is to put a remote controlled vehicle on the surface of the moon and drive it around for a bit. Which is rather cool. But as I was reading some of the stuff on their internet forum, I came across some information on the Aquarius Launch Vehicle.

Now, the most important bit of information I found was the costs of getting something put into orbit via Aquarius. $1000 per kilo. So around 500 quid. Now maybe it's just me, but 500 quid to get something that weighs a kilo seems like a fucking bargain. I mean, if you were to build something out of polysterene foam it'd be pretty big before it weighs more than a kilo.

I think you can see where I'm going with this. I'm going to save my cash, and when Aquarius is up and running I'm going to pay them to put a giant glow in the dark foam penis into orbit. That'll teach those fucking astronomers to quit their bitching about light pollution.

Space rockery roundup

2008-06-20T07:32:00.003+01:00

So let's talk about space rocks.

Specifically, lets talk about this space rock.

The Ivuna meteorite is important because scientists believe that it's chemical composition is the similar to the conditions that existed at the birth of the solar system, so it's a good way to look at what was going on way back then.

Which is pretty reasonable. I love the fact that the Natural History Museum are keeping half of it for public display, but they're sending the rest off to research labs around the world so that the space rock community can get some researching done.

Good for you Natural History Museum. Though if I'm honest, a chunk of space rock probably isn't as cool as your huge fucking dinosaur skeletons.

How to be a fucking cock and thrive...

2008-06-15T14:42:00.003+01:00

I swear, there's some fucking idiot involved in the programming at ITV.

Take this for example - Piers Morgan on Sandbanks. I mean I realise that being a foul, shit stirring leech on society is practically a valid career these days; but do we really need to get this fucker swanning around with Dorset's super rich?

I look forward to next year's big documentary series on ITV2 - Harold Shipman on the NHS for pensioners. Sheesh.

Youbube

2008-06-09T00:15:00.002+01:00

Oh my what a terrible spelling mistake.

I suspect it may be something to do with this youtube clip (no nipples are involved).

I am reasonably impressed, though I was slightly disapointed when I realised it was a twisty top bottle.

Biting off more than I can chew

2008-06-06T06:36:00.002+01:00

So as a part of my awesome surfing adventures, I'm planning on a trip to Portugal at some point this year.

It's a country I've never been to, it's a beautiful and relatively unspoilt land, and it gets consistent surf in wonderful conditions. Being that I'm not one to go for the package holiday deal to Torrimolinos to sit on the beach and drink Watley's Red Barrel (no-one will get that reference), I thought I'd investigate learning Portuguese. After all, I have an ipod and there are any number of "Learn to speak a language" podcasts out there.

Holy fucking shit.

No wonder no-one goes to Portugal - it's because the language is fucking terrifying.

Where's that brochure for Torrimolinos? Oh, and pass me a can of Watley's Red Barrel.

Other people won't get this joke

2008-06-05T23:45:00.004+01:00

So Wales are playing South Africa in rubgy this weekend. Nothing that exciting about that but I just caught the beeb's advert for the game.

The reason I like it is that they've used the soundtrack from Zulu for it. So around 80% of the people who see the advert will have no fucking clue why it's so clever.

Burma shave

2008-05-11T19:24:00.002Z

I wasn't really sure whether or not this needed mentioning, as I don't really have anything new to bring to this arguement, but holy tittyfucking christ, the Burmese junta are a bunch of fucking fuckers.

I know full well that there are arguments that can be made that their refusal to allow in foreign aid will in the end hasten their demise, but I struggle with that. We're talking about hundred of thousands of people in need of help. As much as I want to see Burma's military dictatorship crumble, I don't want one and a half million people to die to make it happen.

I suppose this is one of those end justifies the means things that I struggle with so much.

Normal service resumed?

2008-05-11T19:02:00.002Z

If there is such a thing.

Between snowboarding and work I've been rather hectic of late, and so there have been no updates to this blog (despite Barn basically begging me to get off my arse and updaterate).

In the end, I've been shamed into action because Eoin looks to be sorting his shitty blog out; and there's no way I can let that gangly irish git upstage me.

I'm back motherfuckers!

Canadian humour.

2008-04-12T02:44:00.003Z

So, the old standard is that Canadians love hockey. Well apparently they now love hockey a bit too much, and it's got to the point where the Canadian Hockey Association are actually worried enough that they're making adverts trying to stop parents being stupid fucks.

That's right - the governing body for a sport where you only get sin binned for 2 minutes for having a full on brawl are worried that hockey parents are getting out of hand.

I found myself wondering what the fuck is going on at these games. After all I thought it couldn't be that bad...until I clicked here. And here. And here!

While I'm not sure there's an arguement for banning the sport of ice hockey - on this evidence, there's definitely an arguement for banning anyone from watching ice hockey. But hey - at least noone's dying over it.

Farewell California

2008-04-12T02:03:00.002Z

Well this could be interesting...scientists have detected a swarm of earthquakes off the west coast of America.

Well then. Who knew that a group of earthquakes is called a swarm. I'd have thought it'd be called something more like an apocalypse - but there you go (hell, I still don't know why it's called a murder of crows).

Anyway - a swarm of earthquakes. 600 in the last ten days in fact. So if you know anyone who lives in LA, you may want to give them a call and say goodbye before the place drops into the ocean.

You should stock up on pine cones.

2008-04-05T14:06:00.003Z

According to Komsomolskaya Pravda, a pack of squirrels have attacked and killed a large dog in the park in the centre of Lazo - a town in the far east of Russia. Witnesses have said that the big stray dog was nosing around trees and barking at a gang of squirrels hiding in branches overhead when a number of them suddenly descended and attacked.

"They literally gutted the dog," local journalist Anastasia Trubitsina told the newspaper.

A (rather mysterious) Lazo man who called himself Mikhalich said there had been "no pine cones at all" in the local forests this year.

"The little beasts are agitated because they have nothing to eat," he added.

So there you go. Stock up on pine cones - they may save your life, because once those fuckers have eaten all the dogs, they'll be coming for you.

China's Olympic Adventure

2008-04-05T13:45:00.002Z

I haven't stuck my hat in the ring on this one yet...but I want to say something.

Sharron Davies went on the record saying that athletes shouldn't boycott the Beijing Olympics because of their horrendous human rights record, that they shouldn't boycott the Beijing Olympics because at this very moment China is busy killing Tibetean protesters, and that they shouldn't boycott the Beijing Olympics because the Chinese government is horrible, manipulative and one of the most oppressive regimes on the planet.

Writing for The Sun (yeah - that tells you just how much attention we should be paying to this woman), Sharron says -

"As an athlete, you can’t just say: “Oh well, I will go to the next one.” It might be the one moment you are at your peak, at the right age, at a crucial stage in your performance. You cannot just put it off for four years."

So apparently, being an athlete means you no longer have to be a human being. Well isn't that great. Sharron, apparently your BBC commentary chair for the Olympics will be made from the skins of three year old baby girls. Make sure you enjoy that comfortable seat while you earn your wage talking about other morally bankrupt competition junkies.

Here's a question

2008-04-02T11:01:00.003Z

Where exactly is the International Space Station? I know it's a question that we'd all like answered.

Well thanks to n2yo.com, you can now find out for yourself.

By clicking here.

Yeah, it's unbelievably geeky.

NASA announce they're going to grow moonalgae

2008-03-16T06:34:00.004Z

Actually this is kind of two space stories for the price of one. The first is that experiments have found that bacteria can grow in Lunar soil. This is one of those first step things - the bacteria's presence in the Lunar soil will then in theory make it possible for other basic plant forms to be cultivated, and that's a pretty big step toward terraforming.

The other news (which I'm a bit surprised I haven't seen anywhere else) is that NASA are now confirming that they'll be back on the moon by 2020, and they're aiming to build MoonBaseOne. Google no doubt won't be far behind.

Superman versus the KKK

2008-03-16T06:29:00.002Z

See, now you think this is one of those comicbook stories...but actually this one's pretty true. Superman really did help fight the KKK. Here's the story.

It's just one of those many titbits of knowledge that I have, and I figured I'd share.

The art of the Slash (tm)

2008-03-14T04:46:00.003Z

This post is dedicated to Daniel 'Looks a bit like Jesus' Watson.

There's no denying that I am a childish son of a bitch. This is never more apparent than when I am snowboarding. Now Danno is just as bad as me at this (actually he's probably worse) and so the two of us on a slope usually ends up with at least some dicking around.

The thing is, as we've got better at snowboarding, so we've had to find other ways of being idiots. It started with kicking your board on the footrest of the lift as you go over the top of trails in an attempt to dislodge snow onto the poor saps below. Soon after, it escalated to taking snowballs onto the lift with you to drop on unsuspecting victims; now however, it has taken a darker and more deliberate turn. We've become Slash addicts.

The Slash is a simple move - you gain a wodge of speed, and as you pass a completely innocent bystander you put in a hard turn. This creates a large spray of snow in your wake, covering the aforementioned innocent bystander (often to their complete surprise). It's a childish, childish, childish thing to do. I love it. It's good old fashioned harmless idiocy. You create a huge cloud of snow and ride away as someone stands there looking like they've gone five rounds with a bag of flour.

The most important part of the Slash though is the final move - the wave. You're riding away, you've covered someone head to toe in snow and they're probably a little miffed at you; so you do the only thing you can - look back up the hill, smile and wave an apology.

I swear, I have no justification here - it's childish, it's stupid and I'm covering some poor innocent folk in snow. But it's great fun and gives me a chuckle every time, and if there's one thing that snowboarding should do it's make you smile.

Things I didn't know

2008-03-14T04:41:00.002Z

I didn't know this -

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

In other news, it looks like it's going to be very likely that we'll know exactly who's buying dinner for MPs. Obviously this is very interesting, but I suspect anyone reading this will still be thinking about the fucking cat.

What are you eating tomorrow?

2008-03-13T04:51:00.002Z

Because you know what - it should be Pi.

For those of you wondering what the hell I'm on about, tomorrow is March 14th. Or as the Americans put it - 3.14. All makes sense now dunnit.

They even have a website where you can talk about how many digits of Pi you have memorised...

...and people wonder why maths nerds are laughed at.

I have been slack as all hell

2008-03-13T04:48:00.002Z

I should have been much more motivated updating this blog, and I'm sorry.

I have been distracted by the news that Warner Brothers in their infinite wisdom have decided to make a sequel to Lost Boys. Welcome back Edgar Frog!

Best line in the trailer has to be 'Your sister's a suck monkey'

Good morning Norway

2008-03-08T15:15:00.002Z

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, but I've been away snowboarding (more on that later).

I'd just like to take this opportunity to say good morning to the people of Longyearbyen in the Spitsbergen region of Norway. Longyearbyen is the most northerly town in the world, and today is their first day of sunshine since October.

I'll leave the last words to local resident Mary Ann Dahle - "It feels good when the light starts to come back, the darkness can be very depressing."

I want to see....your Sledgehammer

2008-02-16T03:48:00.002Z

That's right, no pun is too stupid for me to consider it.

So what we have here is a bit of a fluff piece about an organisation that Peter Gabriel is involved with. I have to say, I think he's done a better job of being a decent human being than his Genesis colleague Phil Collins.

Oh, and I'm really not posting this because it's a link to people getting beaten up...but hey, if that's what you want then I guess I can always pander to the masses.

Warren Ellis gives you free herpes

2008-02-15T20:32:00.002Z

Well, actually he gives you a brand new free webcomic. But seeing as he lives in Southend, herpes is pretty likely as well.

The pimpiest pimp in pimp town

2008-02-15T05:32:00.004Z

Now I know why 50 cent is called 50 cent - because he's bargain fucking basement when it comes to being a PIMP. He doesn't even live in the pound shop of pimps, because he's not good enough. To your right, I present you with a photograph of the King Pimp....

...That's right folks, it's chairman Mao!

Chairman Mao, more famous for starting a people's revolution, being a her indoors character in that film with Peter O'Toole and the chinese kid who keeps sucking on tits and settling that long standing arguement; which wins between a convoy tanks or a bunch of starving students desperate for political reform (it was tanks by the way). Well in addition to these feats - he was also a pimp.

Back in 1973, at a trade conference with the US, Chairman Mao tried to talk the US into taking 10 million women off his hands. Apparently, the exact phrase he said was 'These wimmen is driving me crazy yo, take them offa my hands so I can go chill and drink gin with my homies'.

From secret recordings made at the Whitehouse at around that time, it seems that Nixon was deadset against the idea, reasoning that the women could all be crooks. Strange how life worked out there innit.

Of course, seeing as I am both single and a humanitarian, I have written to the Chinese embassy and said that while I can't take 10 million, I can at least take 5 or so off their hands. So long as they're small and easily stackable.

And you thought I was grumpy...

2008-02-13T04:18:00.003Z

I'm not a patch on this lady.

I have noted with interest that she doesn't say how she's going to top herself. I think she's missing a trick with this one - she can get teh internet to choose how she dies. It'll be grand.

Personally, I think she should try and commit suicide by drowning herself in a vat of treacle. Then we can harden the treacle into an amber like substance, and one day - when emo bullshit has died out, genetic scientists can use her DNA to artificially create emo bullshit.

We could even make a film out of it - call it Tragic Park.

P.S. - I'm not the only person mocking this girl, though this guy's probably funnier than I am at doing it.

A perfect valentine gift -

2008-02-13T02:18:00.000Z

Ideal for the evangelical hottie in your life - it's the 'Looking Good for Jesus Lip Balm'

Your very own heresy in a tube folks. Handily it protects you up to SPF18. Unfortunately, to save you from the fires of hell you need SPF4 million.

If this stokes your interest - have a look at the full range.

Blame it on the boogie

2008-02-05T10:37:00.000Z

This year's Rio De Janeiro party may well have a new theme.

The whole city is up in arms over the decision to ban a samba school's float. According to the judge, the idea of a giant pile of naked bodies with a dancing Hitler on top is in poor taste.

Speaking about it, Herman Goering of the Fun time Samba Nazis said 'Ve don't know vot people are complainink about. It is a celebration of the hardiness of ze Jewish People. It also illustrates how easy it vos to stack their lifeless bodies.'

Seriously guys - a dancing Hitler? When is that ever a good idea?

The birth of a new sport

2008-02-05T10:31:00.000Z

From the land that gave you sausages, giant mugs of beer and a short man with a funny moustache comes a new olympic sport - baby dropping!

Apparently, this guy was all set to win the inaugral world championships, but a dodgy mark from the Polish judge scuppered him.

When you find extra money in your wallet

2008-02-04T07:22:00.000Z

It's a wonderful thing. How many times have you reached into your pocket and thought to yourself "Hmm. That's not a hanky, and it doesn't feel like a receipt" Then you pull out a scrumpled up piece of paper, secretly hoping that it's a fiver. Then; joy of joys you unravel it, and it's a twenty!

It's a great feeling, and in a life of drudgery and boredom it can often be the highlight of your day (your day, not mine - I lead a full and rewarding life). So you have to feel slightly sorry for Peter Hain, the now former Secretary of State for Wales and the Work & Pensions Secretary. There he was, not a care in the world, checking his wallet for a receipt so that he could exchange the duplicate copy of Viva Pinata someone had bought him for his Xbox, when holy crap - he finds £108,000. Well, it could happen to anyone.

Of course - where he gets into trouble is that no one really knows where this money came from, and unlike finding a couple of quid down the back of the sofa, this is rather a lot of moolah. There's also the fact that the Conservative party a few years ago proved that £108,000 will buy you a lot of questions. It's so strange to watch post-Blair Labour copying the idiocy of post-Thatcher Tory.

Ah well - maybe if we give Mr. Hain some free condoms he won't feel so bad.

The welsh - not only stupid, but also lazy

2008-02-04T07:11:00.001Z

Welcome to Febuary folks. I wouls say that I aim to be more productive during this month than I was in January, but I may well be on holiday for a large chunk of it, so I'm making no promises.

Anyway - this is about a story that Chris Bryant, Labour MP for Rhondda wants condoms to be given away free to teenagers. Obviously the have your own say on this story page of the beeb is full of people blaming liberal social policy, the fact that we don't beat children enough and quoting the rubbish about how 'they only do it to get a house' (which isn't really the case by the way). One woman suggests that girls who get pregnant should be 'shunned by society'. Which is a great idea. Maybe if we throw them into the ocean, we can let the great god Poseidon decided what to do with them

It's not a coincidence that the poorest areas of the UK are also those with the highest teen pregnancy rate. Though I was amazed that the beeb quoted one girl as saying she planned to get up the duff to avoid school because her homework was too hard.

Now there's a girl that the lord of the sea wouldn't look kindly upon.

Sleep isn't just for the weak you know...

2008-01-27T21:27:00.001Z

Bleurgh. I've had insomia for the last few days. I've felt like crappy crap crap and it's sucked. So that's why I haven't been desperately trying to beef up my post count for January.

Ah well. February soon!

Better than gamespot

2008-01-19T03:09:00.000Z

Because he's not a drolling fucking idiot really...

Go to this page and have a look to see what I mean.

It's worth it just for some of the little graphic puns.

I've been on a different bloody continent

2008-01-19T02:46:00.000Z

Which is why there haven't been any updates for the last three weeks. So here comes the inevitable blogging backlash. I've been away snowboarding (which should be a surprise to nobody) in Canada. I had a great time, I had a lot of fun and I did a lot of snowboarding. So there.

I'd never left Europe before, so it was very exciting for me to spend nine and a half hours sat on a plane with less leg room than a Fiat Uno. The food was particularly exciting. Alright, so it was naff. But it was also worth it.

Flying into Calgary airport, you really get a feel of the wide open spaces that Canada's famous for. It really was breath taking - as you fly in you're surrounded by flat terrain and in the distance, the rockies rising out of the ground like the very bones of the earth.

Once you arrive, you become exposed to the one thing I found strangest of all...Canadians. I've met polite people before, I've met easy going folk before, but wowzers, Canadians are the politest, most laid back folk I've ever come across.

It's almost out of hand. Even behind the wheel of a car, they're stupidly polite. There were a couple of occasions when I was daydreaming by the kerb to look up and see a car silently waiting for me to cross the road.

European AIDS is scarier than British AIDS.

2007-12-21T06:17:00.001Z

I ain't kidding folks!

British aids isn't scary at all.

French aids scares the shit out of me.

Those of you with a nervous disposition may want to think twice before clicking on that link.

Something for the voyeur in you.

2007-12-21T06:10:00.000Z

This is a pretty easy one...do a google search for inurl:''ViewerFrame?Mode= Why you ask? Well because it gives you a list of webcams that are available on the internet.

So you can watch a bunch of guys playing tennis, the DJ booth for Love Fm, or even a bakery.

Have a look - there are more to be found, and you never know what you might find.

Know your Bond Villains #32 - Andrei Lugovoi

2007-12-14T18:15:00.000Z

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present Bond Villain number 32 from our series 'Know your Bond Villains and Recognise Their Villainy'.

This is Andrei Lugovic. Whilst he is a Bond Villain, he also maintains a cunning and disarming charade as an elected politician in the free and democratic country of post cold war Russia.

As you can see from his photo, Andrei's an enigmatic and charming individual, and uses his sexy Russian accent to disarm potential female assassins. When visiting England, Andrei is often found in cool sushi bars and the more affluent areas of London like Knightsbridge.

Whilst Andrei obviously has a small army of faceless thugs to carry out his every villainous whim, he does occasionally like to get involved with the murdering, especially if the murdering involves murdering someone who's talking too much. In these cases, his favourite method is to use a nuclear isotope as a poison, thereby guaranteeing his murderee a slow and painful death.

Andrei's favourite television show is Scrubs, and if he likes to listen to N-sync while he's driving his car over the bodies of the oppressed.

Oh wait - no, this isn't a Bond Villain - this is a real person! Sorry - I got confused. God knows how that happened!

Build a sandcastle dad!

2007-12-14T18:06:00.000Z

I want to draw attention to the website harrisand.org.

There's no getting away from the fact that some people have way way way too much time on their hands. But the problem is that as much as I want to take the piss out of these have nothing decent to do with their time fucks, what they're building is pretty impressive.

What makes it even more impressive though is the fact that they bring their own sand to the party. There must be beaches nearby that are just rock these days!

What did you learn at university?

2007-12-12T19:42:00.000Z

I'm betting that if you did animation, you probably learnt more than this fella.

Hugo Chavez - a man beyond his time

2007-12-10T11:23:00.000Z

Or something like that...

This is the news that Venezuela have decided that they want a timezone all to themselves. Why do they want their own timezone? Well from reading some of the blurb, it seems to be for the sake of the children. Sounds like crap to me.

But that's ok - Chavez has gone on record as saying "I don't care if they call me crazy."

Which is probably a good thing - as for this one - he's going to get called crazy a lot.

Some people will research anything...

2007-12-10T11:01:00.000Z

Take for example the studys done in regard to women and their bras. Tests done have found that a larger woman would have a boobment of 6.9 centimetres.

Australians (why is it always Aussies with stuff like this?) have come up with an intelligent bra with sensors built in to battle bounce.

The full report is from the Journal of Biomechanics. Though why you'd want to read it is completely beyond me. I mean - do you need to know about the morphological changes in the internal structure of the articular eminence of the temporal bone during growth from deciduous to early mixed detention?

No, I didn't think so.

Welsh women are still stupid

2007-12-07T18:39:00.000Z

Those of you with long memories will recall that I have previously pointed out that Welsh women weren't exactly at the front of the queue when it cam to handing out brains, and I would like to present to the court exhibit B -

A Welsh woman who was persuaded to swallow 34 bags of cocaine.

How did they manage this do you think? Was she told that it'd improve her complexion? Did they perhaps suggest that bags of cocaine have magical weight loss properties? I have no idea. But I do like the judge.

Why? Because he told David Case that he wasn't smart to come up with this plan on his own. That's right Mr. Case, it's now a matter of court record that you're too dumb to come up with a plan that's as stupid as this one. But look on the bright side - all the inmates at Cardiff prison are lining up to play you at Trival Pursuit for cigarettes.

X Prize 4 - Great Nephew of X Prize

2007-12-07T08:09:00.000Z

For those of you who don't know, the original I'm talking about X Prize was a ten million dollar prize for the first privately funded craft to travel into space twice within a fortnight. It was won by SpaceShipOne, a 60s sci fi looking craft designed by Burt Rutan.

The whole point of the X Prize is that it's a catalyst to forward human endevour (something I'm in favour of) as a clear illustration of that, the original X Prize was ten million dollars. SpaceShipOne though, cost one hundred million dollars - so an accountant would tell you that it wasn't worth it. Which is because accountants are stupid and have broken minds.

Anyway, the fourth X Prize is being sponsored by Google, and offers up to 30 million dollars to the first private venture to put a robotic vehicle on the moon, drive it around and do some bunny hops. So yesterday, the Google Lunar X Prize had it's first official entrant. OdysseyMoon are a private company created specifically for the purpose of entering the X Prize, and are from the Isle of Man. That's right. The island that gave you cats with no tails and that funny flag with all the legs on it will soon be putting a robot car on the moon.

I can't wait for the next entrants!

So with the storms...

2007-12-07T07:40:00.000Z

Come the waves...

For those of you who didn't see the photos on the BBC's website about the massive waves that've been turning up on the British coast, here's some proof from Wales. This photo's from Porthcawl - which is about 25 minutes down the road from me.

Where was I when this was taken? In bloody work.

Here's another shot from further down the coast showing just how big and awesome some of the Welsh waves have been since the big swells came in...

I stole the photos from Porthcawlsurf.co.uk and MagicSeaweed.com

I love the NIE!!!!!!

2007-12-07T07:22:00.000Z

Yes I do.

The NIE is the United States National Intelligence Estimate. This is all about the declassified central findings of a report released this week that says that Iran halted it's nuclear weapons program back in 2003.

Why is this report important? Because up until that report came out, the Whitehouse had been working hard to shape the public's perception that Iran is a dangerously close to having a nuclear bomb and that the best way to protect America is to bomb Iran back into the stone age.

Hmm...well that sounds familiar!

Now before you go out and decry this report as an aberration, let's remember that the IAEA report came back with pretty much the same conclusions, and it's hard to ignore the fact that maybe we don't need a world war three just yet.

You know how bored I am of GWB's warmongery? I'm not even going to make a joke about it. But I am going to tell you that if you watch some of Bill Hick's stuff about Iraq, you could almost forget that he's talking about George Bush Senior and Gulf War version 1.0.

coppery mockery shockery

2007-12-07T07:09:00.000Z

I should write headlines for a redtop.

Anyway - this is the story about a police force, speed cameras and how difficult it is to catch people who are speeding.

Poor South Yorkshire Police. No sooner is their chief constable Meredydd Hughes banned for speeding than the beeb has the cheek to submit a freedom of information request to find out if any other police cars have been snapped speeding.

Would you like to know howmany photos they found out about?

26. There were twenty six cases where South Yorkshire police officers were caught speeding on duty, failed to admit that they were driving and cases were dropped. A spokesman said that they couldn't identify the drivers.

Hang on a second...I've seen enough of the Bill to know that cars are signed out. Does this mean that the entire reason that these drivers couldn't be identified is because they couldn't recognise the signatures?

Wow. It's a good job Myra Hyndley didn't sign her confession with a leaky fountain pen or they'd never have caught her!

This isn't my rant...

2007-11-16T08:26:00.000Z

But it's still one I thought worthy of mention...

The Marine Conservation Society (MCS) today asks why both the UK Government and Scottish Government are proposing a 50% cut in water quality testing when official figures for 2007, also released today, show a ten-fold increase in official UK coastal bathing sites failing legal minimum standards compared to 2006.

MCS believes that the number of failures will rise still further when unofficial sites are included in its Good Beach Guide 2008, published next May.

Government figures released today on UK bathing water quality for Summer 2007 show that the number of official coastal bathing sites failing legal minimum standards rose from 2 in 2006 to 20 in 2007.

- Thomas Bell, MCS Coastal Pollution Officer

There you go. There's no doubt some more blurb on this at the Marine Conservation Society's webby site if you need more information.

For those of you concerned that I'm going to turn into a hippy - don't worry, I'm just off to watch bambi's mother die on a 72" widescreen telly. That always perks me right up.

Medal of Honour 6: Private contractor

2007-11-15T07:24:00.000Z

So you may remember that earlier in the year there was a bit of a fuss when some security guards from the American firm Blackwater (which is a pretty awesome name) killed 17 people.

So let's see what some of the news sources around the globe have picked up about this story then. ABC News ran with news that a Blackwater guard said he returned fire at Iraqis dressed as civilians.

Now maybe it's just me, but could an Iraqi dressed as a civilian actually be an Iraqi civilian? Way to go ABC News for running with that piece of Orwellian language.

The Washington Post quoted a US official as saying that at least one Blackwater guard drew a weapon on his colleagues and shouted at him to "stop shooting". Sounds to me like Blackwater need to change their server settings to ban friendly fire!

Iraqi eyewitnesses have said that guards moved into the roundabout stopping the traffic. They then fired on a white sedan that had failed to slow down. According to those accounts, the car burst into flames killing the occupants. One eyewitness said Blackwater operatives had fired a rocket or grenade into the car.

The reports continue, and say Blackwater guards then fired without provocation into the surrounding area as civilians and Iraqi officers tried to flee. They say the officers did not return fire.

So apparently - failing to slow down when some mercenary with a gun starts waving at you is the action of an evil terrorist. I'm pretty certain that's not entirely true. I'm also continually frustrated that we're not calling this as it is - the American government are using mercenaries, and giving them immunity from any crimes they may commit while under contract to the United States. If ever there were a set of circumstances guarenteed to lead to a fucked up situation - this is it. Take a bunch of cold blooded, financially motivated killers. Arm them, and tell them that they won't be held accountable if some brown people turn up dead. Well at least we all know why the population of Mississippi has dropped - they're all on a hunting trip.

The New York Times are quoting 'unnamed US officials' and printing that a premliminary FBI investigation found that at least 14 of the 17 shootings were 'unjustified'.

I don't know why we're worried though. The US State department is on the case. They've got an inspector general - Howard Krongard. He's investigating Blackwater, and their employee's actions and has been doing so for the last 2 months. Thank god for Mr Krongard and his investigation. He's totally excellent at investigating. For example, yesterday he discovered that his brother was part of Blackwater's advisory board. 2 months. 60 days. 1440 hours of investigating and what has Mr Krongard discovered? That his brother's a part of the company that he's investigating.

I have to say, if you ever want to get away with something, ask for Howard Krongard to investigate it. He hasn't got a fucking clue.

American's aren't just litigious

2007-11-15T07:19:00.001Z

They also have no sense of perspective.

Certainly, the actions of Judge Roy Pearson suggests as much.

When his local dry cleaners lost his trousers, he sued. For $54 million.

My favourite bit - included in the lawsuit was mental anguish. For a lost pair of trousers.

Now he's lost his job, he'll probably want to sue someone for loss of earnings.

Great caesar's ghost!

2007-11-15T07:13:00.000Z

You know, it wasn't until I started trying to think of a title for this post that I realised that Marvel's side characters don't really have the soundbytery that DC's do. Just thought I'd mention that.

Of course, what I could've titled this was Marvel give you 250 comics for free. Because at the moment, that's exactly what they're doing.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have 248 comics to go.

Some pun about oil

2007-11-13T07:32:00.000Z

Well it's been a while, but I very nearly just shouted at my computer when I read this.

Exxon are appealing against having to pay the $2.5 billion fine that they received for devastating 1300 miles of Alaskan coastline. Now while that may seem excessive, let's look at some of the facts.

The Valdez spilt 11 million gallons of crude oil. It killed an estimated 250,000 seabirds, 2,800 Otters, 300 seals, 250 bald eagles & 22 killer whales. This was a disaster of epic proportions. Communities have been devastated, whole ecologies have been wiped out and still Exxon say that they don't think that they should be fined.

So is it because that if they pay the fine they'll be bankrupt? No. Exxon's net profit for last year was $39.5 billion. So if they payed their fine, then they'd still have had a profit of $37 billion. Which is more than the GDP of Bulgaria.

So why don't they want to pay the fine? I'll quote Walter Dellinger, Exxon's lead lawyer - "This record punitive award unquestionably raises important issues of constitutional dimension." So apparently paying a fine for putting a drunk in charge of an oil tanker is in fact anti-american.

So it's not that Exxon are a greedy, soulless bunch of fucks who don't want to pay a fine, it's that they're preserving America's freedom.

Nice one. Apparently next week, they're going to protect my freedom even further by organising a sponsored shoot an endangered species week. The board of directors have even bought state of the art machineguns for the occasion, and the CEO is looking forward to testing the integrated grenade launcher functionality on a family of meerkats.

Skip to the end

2007-11-11T09:37:00.000Z

Warner Brothers TV are going to make an American version of Spaced. Twats.

Now, if you read the Variety article on the news, then you (like me) would probably end up with the impression that Simon Pegg & Edgar Wright are rather on board with the whole thing.

Of course, that isn't quite the truth. If you'd like a more accurate version of what's been going on - you can check out Wright's myspace blog. It makes interesting reading.

So I'll leave you with this point - Americans remaking Spaced - almost as good an idea as trying to rape the pope.

How to tell you are under the yoke of dictatorship - a handy guide.

2007-11-10T21:08:00.000Z

I figured that what with us living in an uncertain world, this'd be a useful little guide to keep handy so that you can tell when your country becomes a dictatorship...

1. The head of your country has a snazzy title like 'General' 'El Presidente' or 'Grand Vizier'
2. The only newspapers and/or television stations start the day with the national anthem, feature shows on about how awesome your country is, and how terrible everyone else is.
3. Anyone who disagrees with how awesome your country is is either a criminal, an exile, or strangely ends up poisoned by a nuclear isotope.
4. American is either your best friend or your most hated enemy. It's strange, but I don't think I can remember a dictatorship that is indifferent toward America (have a think about it).

So there you go - four quick points to help you work it all out. I figured that it'd be useful seeing as we have a new dictatorship in the offing (the name begins with a P and ends in akistan if you haven't worked it out yet).

Good things come to those who...

2007-11-09T07:56:00.000Z

Follow a series of clues on the Guinness website apparently!

So there's a new Guinness advert tonight (you can already find it online). Guinness however have decided to get in on the viral marketing buzz and if you go to Guinness.com, you'll find a bunch of puzzles that you have to go through to get to see the advert before everyone else does (which is tonight - so you don't have that long to wait).

This one's been done by the same guy who was behind the Sony Bravia adverts, and you can see the same themes being revisited. I like it though. Certainly better than that fucking Barry Scott.

Actually - this is a point - it's not Barry Scott, it's an actor. His name is Neil Burgess. His other claim to fame is that he was on the Bill as an axe murderer. But at least the crime scene was nice and clean.

I am somewhat loathe to do this...

2007-11-09T07:47:00.000Z

But I'm going to link to a story from the Telegraph's website. I'm sorry to have to do this, but some things just have to be commented on.

I mean there's no denying that this guy's a bit on the weird side, but I'm not sure he deserved to go to court over it - he was in his hotel room, enjoying some 'private time' by himself and 2 maids used their key to enter. So is this a documented case of schrodinger's crime? You can't tell if he's committing a crime unless you watch him, and because you're watching him he's committing a crime?

On the other hand - how the hell do you have sex with a pavement?

I had an awesome Friday

2007-11-05T22:06:00.001Z

Just wanted to mention it really. I made a trip down to Gennith for some surfing, and had an absolutely awesome time. I used my wetsuit booties for the first time and had some of the best waves I've ever had in my short surfing experience.

So there.

HBO make with the awesome.

2007-11-05T21:03:00.000Z

I'm sure I don't need to tell you that HBO have a tendency toward making awesome TV. These are after all the guys behind the Sopranos, Sex in the City & Band of Brothers.

What they're also responsible for is a 12 part series called - "From The Earth To The Moon".

The show focuses on the Apollo missions, on the people involved, on the technical and political challenges they had to face and the setbacks they hit along the way (unsurprisingly, there were quite a few).

The exploration of space holds a strange fascination for me. It always has. For me, there's something about it that just captures and holds my imagination so this show really appeals to me. What makes it even better is that the entire series is currently available on Virgin Media's on demand service.

So if you're reading this Mr Murdoch - From the Earth to the Moon - 500 times better than repeats of Stargate. Even if it doesn't have Macgyver in it.

Buy the guardian...

2007-11-05T20:37:00.000Z

For this week at least.

Every day this week, the guardian are giving away supplements which feature reprinted articles from the Guardian's history. Today's supplement focuses on political articles between 1821 & 1975.
Without giving too much away, here are a couple of the headlines that caught my eye...

From March 28th, 1829 - Prime Minister fights duel over Catholic remarks.
From September 5th, 1957 - Homosexuality should not be a crime, Wolfenden report says.
From December 17th, 1969 - End of capital punishment - the right decision for society.

There are more - the end of slavery in the colonies, the introduction of voting at 21 for women, the Easter uprising in Dublin and even an the obituary for Karl Marx. All in all, very good reading.

Of course, all this is just the Guardian's way of pimping the fact that they've got a new online archive, but when the content of the pimping's as good as this - I don't really mind getting pimped.

Well that's bummed me out...

2007-10-29T19:30:00.000Z

Apparently, it's Tony's birthday in Hollyoaks and the fucker's only 30.

So the oldest character in Hollyoaks is 2 years younger than me. Good job I don't watch that shit isn't it.

I'd like to recommend something...

2007-10-28T02:43:00.000Z

This website to be specific.

But I can't, because it won't bloody load!

Apparently, it's a digital copy of the Da Vinci's Last Supper in super high resolution, so I'm dying to see it. Apparently, The image is 1,600 times stronger than those taken with a typical 10 million pixel digital camera. Apparently, you can see how Da Vinci made the cups slightly transparent and the affect that Milan's airbourne polution has had on the painting.

Still won't bloody load though. Dammit!

The news is that there is no news

2007-10-27T04:58:00.000Z

Or something like that!

FEMA are the American government agency in charge of emergency relief. As you can imagine, since Katrina happened they've been viewed as a bunch of incompetent idiots appointed through nepotism rather than qualification.

They're now involved in the effort to stop California turning into the largest barbeque in the world, and yesterday they held a press conference. Or did they? What in fact happened is that they gave the world's press 15 minute's notice (thereby guarenteeing no-one'd make it) and used their own staff to masquerade as press and ask questions. There are more details on the Washington Post's website.

Man, I can't help but laugh at this one.

Vroooom vroooom splish splash

2007-10-25T02:16:00.000Z

Let's catch up with some of my purchasing. I know it's something that'll excite you all...

I have a new car. This one can do something that my previous car couldn't - start in the rain. So I love it! I wish there was something more interesting to say, but really it's just the case that I found a decent car that I can fit a surfboard into without too much fuss, and that was that.

I also have a winter wetsuit. After coming out of the water a couple of weeks ago with blue toes, I figured it was most definitely time to invest in a warmer wetsuit. Thanks to the same seasonal fickleness that affects snowboarding, I picked up an awesome deal on a Salomon suit and tried it out last Sunday. I got to spend 3 hours in the sea in the middle of October, and I wasn't cold once. So it probably works rather well. Now if I can just get good at surfing, it'll all be ok.

There you go. Of course the cynical among you will suggest that this post exists just to give October a bit of a bump in it's numbers.

They're probably right, but I liked the title too much not to post this.

Weekend away

2007-10-25T02:02:00.000Z

Well actually, it was more of a long weekend seeing as I set off on Thursday.

I adventured all the way over to London to visit some old friends and do some touristy stuff. I drank a load of booze and ate a load of pizza. It was good fun all in all, and nice to meet up with people I hadn't seen for a while. Though rather typically for me, it was all sorted in a rather last minute kind of way, and a couple of people couldn't make it because they didn't get quite enough notice.

So now that I've bored you with that tidbit, I will now entertain you with the touristy fun that I had. I pottered around Covent Garden for a bit, which was exactly the same as ever, but then I went to Tate Modern and looked at a crack in the ground. Alright, so it's actually an installation piece called Shibboleth - anyway. As seems to be the way these days, I find myself more interested in the public's reaction to the art than the art itself, and Shibboleth more than ever draws that out of me. The piece is a huge crack the length of the turbine hall, and so you get people all the way down looking into the crack, peering into it, standing astride it, trying to work out how it's done. So I start to wonder - is the art the work, or the people who encircle it like moths around a lightbulb.

I also went to the National Museum to see the Terracotta army show, but it was sold out of tickets. So I wandered round the souvenir shop's section of minature terrcotta copies on my knees. Probably the same experience.

Yowzah

2007-10-25T01:57:00.000Z

Not the smallest read this one, but probably worth a look.

If you go here, you can read the story of Alan Johnson's abduction in his own words. No tit and fart jokes for this one I reckon, as what Mr Johnson went through wasn't much of a comedy gem. Still, it's really well written and an addictive read.

So there.

Why more people don't love dinosaurs

2007-10-16T06:34:00.000Z

You know, I think I've cracked it. It was this story from the beeb that set me off - they've found another new dinosaur in South America. This one's called Futalognkosaurus dukei. Try saying that three times quickly (actually - just try saying it once and I'll be impressed)!

And this is where I think the paele...paleon...dinosaur guys have got it wrong - the names that they come up with for these new dinosaurs aren't that exciting, and in an age where even Godzilla isn't a sure fire hit, you need to be a bit more aggressive in your marketing (Mothra found that one out!).

So, I shall now offer my wisdom to dinosaur guys the world over in naming any dinosaurs that are discovered. The names will be snappy, peppy and all in all, more keeping with what a 21st century dinosaur needs. Hell, I'll even provide some examples!

OLD NAME : Brachiosaurus
NEW NAME : Hugeosaurus

Really, what more of a name do you need? It's huge, it's a saurus... it's Hugeosaurus! I know what you're thinking - there's more than one massive sauropod out there - but there's more than one adjective for big! We can also have bigosaurus, largeosaurus...even woahthatsfuckingmassiveosaurus!

OLD NAME : Anklyosaurus
NEW NAME : Rockosaurus
It's a dinosaur that looks like it's made from rocks - it's a Rockosaurus. This will also go a long way to pepping up old Ankly's image in relation to his more popular cousin - Stegosaurus. Just cause he doesn't have spikes, doesn't mean he's not a badass.

OLD NAME : Oviraptor
NEW NAME : Beakosaurus
What the fuck is this thing? It looks like a cross between a chicken and a velociraptor that hasn't eaten a wandering scientist for weeks! Fuck it, I can only do some much - we'll call it the beakosaurus. What? Not all dinosaurs can have badass names. It should count itself lucky I'm not calling it the freakyfuckingchickenosaurus!

The most expensive photocopy ever

2007-10-15T20:06:00.000Z

Is being sold by the vatican for 4000 quid! Admittedly, it'd be pretty awesome to have a copy of the order for the knights templar to disband, but I can't help but wonder if it really is 4000 quid of awesome.

Here's the thing that bugs me though - the vatican library has loads of this stuff. Ancient manscripts, edicts from the papacy to monarches, letters from Henry VIIIs letters to Anne Boleyn while he was shagging her on the side. All of which they have no plans to release into the public domain. So they have all this stuff that they have the ability to reproduce and they either don't release it, or they release it in a limited edition at a stupidly high price.

Nice to know that the catholic church have the benefit of humanity at heart isn't it.

Where's the damn photo!

2007-10-11T19:42:00.001Z

Come on you bastards! I don’t care how you do it - helicopter, jet car, human cannonball – get a camera crew there, and get us some photos of the chickens! What do we pay our license fee for if not this!

Update : There's video! I love you BBC!

Copshock!

2007-10-11T19:38:00.000Z

Can you believe I nearly missed this!

So here we have video footage of North Wales’ chief constable Richard Brunstrom being tasered.

I must confess that I am reasonably impressed that he was willing to be shocked as a public relations exercise, after all it’s not exactly a pleasant experience, and it’s one that he didn’t have to do. But this does raise an interesting question - Brunstrom has recently called for the current ratings system on drugs to be scrapped and for class A drugs to be legalised. Does this mean that he’s going to be uploading a clip onto youtube of him taking a big hit off a crack pipe? Will he go that bit further and also have a clip of him sucking cock for heroin?

The North Wales Police Blog just got a lot more interesting…

I am such a geek.

2007-09-30T21:31:00.000Z

There's no sense denying it. I've just watched an episode of Smallville which featured Impulse, Green Arrow, Cyborg & Aquaman. I spent way too much time giggling like a schoolboy over the clever little nods to the comics and the fish jokes made at the expense of Aquaman...

It was good though.

Gordon's Alive!?!!

2007-09-28T22:55:00.000Z

This isn't even a faked image.

This is from Saatchi, one of the best known and highest charging advertising companies in the UK.

I have to admit that I like it. I mean if Gordon does decide to call an early general election I get to make endless jokes about the lib dem leader's mercy quotient (here is where others would explain that joke to you - I'm not though. If you don't get why that's funny you can look it up on the internet).

I can't help but wonder if this was a bit of a case of friday afternoonitus interferring with an advertising exec's work. So if we continue this train of thought, what other advertising slogans did they come up with at the same time...

"Buy Levis - because you shouldn't walk around with your cock out"

Advertising - yet another career I could have gone into if I'd realised how stupidly easy it was.

Burma - what a bunch of wankers

2007-09-28T22:34:00.000Z

I wasn't sure whether I wanted to mention the upheaval going on in the Democratic People's Republic of Shoot Your Face Off for Saying That We're Wrong (which I'm pretty sure is what Myanmar translates into) but I think I will. Are you ready?

I'm sure you've all noticed that most of what the Burmese government are doing is pretty shitty, but I think that there are some things that they've done right that they're not getting credit for.

So, here for you now is a list of all the good things that the Burmese have done in the last few years...

Burmese Pythons - which are really big fucking snakes.
Burma Shave - a type of shaving foam.

Nope, I'm sorry people of the Burmese government. When it comes to the great karmic scales, I'm afraid that brushless shaving foam and giant snakes aren't going to make up for the fact that you're a bunch of massive wankers who go around shooting buddist monks.

More catholic craziness

2007-09-27T03:32:00.000Z

For those of you who don't know, the Catholic church believe that the use of birth control is a sin. Well except for the 'rhythym' method. Which could in all honesty be called the 'blind fucking luck' method.

But one archbishop has decided to up the ante on their idiocy. I'm pretty sure that I don't need to add anything else.

I can't get me head around this one...

2007-09-21T07:49:00.000Z

Israeli police have arrested a group of neo-nazis. Work that out! I can't. The closest I can come to an explanation is that some people are really really really really fucking stupid.

In other news...oh stuff it. I was going to make a joke about armed robbers who point the guns at themselves but really - Jewish fucking Nazis? How the hell does that work? Do you beat yourself up? Do you go to as many showers as possible? Do you shout at yourself? Fucking morons.

Why I won't ever play WOW

2007-09-19T07:38:00.000Z

Becuase there are some really scary people out there - and WOW seems to be where they gather. Here's an example. See what I mean?

Fucking nutters.